Day 4 of Quarantine
2002-09-22 14:20:06 ET

made some new aesthetic changes to the page... new pictures etc.. w/doktor242 waiting for Insomnia to go on break... besides my being sick some things of note have been happening lately...
i'm writing again... actually got gutsy enough to show off some of my short stories to doktor242... who'se been taking care of me w/Insomnia nonstop...
bad news.. i have to take out my labret piercing for now... i'm so sick that my body has rejected the piercing like it was... well like it rejecting food... i can always get it re-pierced later. so at least writing has been giving me something to do... i got hocico's signos de aberaccion as a get well present... last night was the third night ive spent tossing and turning and soaked... my temperature was around 102 or so i think.. but i was so cold i took two showers in steaming hot water just to feel normal, and i was in bad shape this morning too...i'm beginning to feel what must be the first hunger pangs all week, im such a baby when i'm sick. i nearly called my mom just to hear her voice just because i was scared and didnt wanna be alone...heart problems run in the family too, my cousin dropped dead at 19 lifting weights, my sister was just diagnosed w/the same thing as me (arrhythmia, abnormal rhythm of the heart, explains why im the only one of my friends w/a penchant for drum and bass)... so my heart was doing probably between 130 and 140 bpm lying perfectly still, it was scary. but i dont have money to see the doctor and have to wait until my company benefits kick in.

so much going on in the personal life.. it would only cause drama to relate it here. but the moral of the story is that i need to start downsizing lorraine inc., and soon. too many fucking people on the payroll. cut it down to priority people (ie the people that would take care of me if i was sick, yeah ive learned a bit about who my friends are)... i dont know.. i have been trying really hard to have a normal boyfriend and be happy... we went to playland, he cooks for me, he's cute... but i'm beginning to wonder if i've become accustomed to dysfunctional situations. when i can't find a flaw in someone i begin to wonder if they're real. and what i'm really looking for is someone i can 'slob out' with, i think its disturbing when someone spends a half an hour making themselves pretty for me.. its cute at first. but when someone is totally flawless.. has never done drugs, never had the range of experiences i have, i worry.. that they will judge me for where i've been, even though it's shaped a large part of who i am and helped me achive a maturity far beyond my 19 years.

i think that my maturity can be largely attributed to my ability to 'see the glass as already broken.' i lost a lot, very early on.. and lost it hard, and learned that things only run harder when you hang on to them. perhaps this would explain my preference for doomed/and/or/inaccessible relationships.. it liberates you when you see something as already dead, its when you start to hope that you can find a small sign of life, or begin to believe that something is growing out of the ashes thats worth fighting for... but this is a direction that i can go no farther in without naming specifics and as always, i pick metaphor and blamelessness.

i had an odd experience yesterday. i got the live journal address of some girl i had always held quite the distatste for. i dont even know why; i can't relate to girls anyway but this particular one had shown herself to be particularly juvenile, picking fights at club, etc. and i swear that the fact that she's happily going out with someone i was once quite infatuated had nothing to do with it... well i got sent her live journal address as a joke.. as a 'hey here's something to laugh at.' so i started reading, and three quarters through the second entry i forgot whose journal i was reading and that i was supposed to hate her. i don't hate her. i actually relate to her, and if we didnt hold petty club grudges towards each other.. if she was someone i hadn't met yet.. i probably would have posted some sort of lengthy reply/comment.. so i told the 'boyfrend' that she wasn't crazy, and i thought it was stupidity that our subculture is an environment that would set us apart and against each other... though to blame it on the subculture is ridiculous.. i dont expect to ever really become friends with this girl, we're both too prideful... but i guess i kind of know what the boi's i know see in her after all... we somewhat resemble each other.. and i guess its all a matter of the same matter not being able to occupy the same space at the same time...

oh and i saw something really sad today. i saw one of my friends from Batcave sleeping in the park, homeless ..and i couldnt do anything about it. because i've known him long enough to know that he's done it to himself and that he's been given other options.. and i know that there's no real way i could help him anyway, hell i can barely help myself up the stairs nowadays but i still felt bad... well thats enough boring entries for today, later kidz...

2002-09-22 14:25:45 ET

HEY!!!! I like drum and bass. :P

YI'm glad to see you're seriously looking into the whats, whys and wherefores of your life.... It's important to you as an arist, and as a human being.

Further comment to come.

2002-09-22 14:40:33 ET

Feel better ... and remember, do not cut off relations with BioMechCorp.

And being insightful and helpful in a journal comment is hard for me, all I can do is wish you the best...

I like Needle Sharing, doktor. :]

2002-09-22 14:55:37 ET

i am glad there are people there to help you and be there for you.

2002-09-22 15:05:56 ET

remember no one is flawless, and often that half hour spent "making oneself pretty" is what is really needed to cover up the flaws. if they were flawless, they wouldn't need a half hour. . .

and if i can guess who it was in the park, yes, they did it to themselves. they had a job, and fucked it up, and quite honestly i believe they like their life now...

2002-09-22 17:33:59 ET

i don't hold grudges against anyone really...mostly because it takes effort. effort that is more draining to me then i need it to be...
people make decisions and with those decisions come every reprecussion of choosing so...i do my best to choose wisely though only really clouded by my own insecurities and misgivings, as i believe is the case with most folks...

i just like knowing that when i wake up in the morning i have no regrets about the ways in which i've treated others...

2002-09-23 11:43:21 ET

You know, over the past few months, i've learned that the problem with human interactiion is expectations.

The person does this, or says that, and you expect it to mean what you want it to mean, what it would mean if you did or said those things. And the friction comes when you apply different meanings and motivations to things than the other person.

The trick is to come into the situation with no expectations, to avoid regrets. And it's not an easy task, let me tell you! I think it's possible in isolated situations to delete one's expectations, but in the long run, they WILL come back to haunt you.

The secret of having good relationships, be they romantic, platonic or in that weird grey area inbetween, is knowing your expectations, and understanding the other party's expectations, and allowing for them.

Oh, and by the way, flawless on the surface = boring on the inside. It's the cracks that make the factory wall beautiful.

2002-09-23 11:44:42 ET

well put dr.

2002-09-24 06:22:36 ET

"*and* understanding the other party's expectations, and allowing for them"...

how often i have dreaded (and secretly understood) the other party's expectations... and pretended to be blissfully ignorant.. or maybe idealistically talked myself out of the observations i had made... (like the situation w/a certain other underworld listening person from Nowhere, PA.) i felt i did nothing to warrant his expectations (and compared to some of the stunts i've pulled lately, i really did do nothing) but deep down i knew.. and wasnt surprised when he showed up at my train stop. nothing surprises me anymore. and after a while i feel like i'm not even dealing with real people anymore, just stereotyped shadows, because the behavior is always the same. i must have fallen in too because my behavior is stuck in infinite loop.. even this 'trying to be normal and happy' stuff.. ive done that before too... im not sure whats excuse and whats reason, whats signal or noise anymore...

and on perfection-

"there's a crack in everything-
that's how the light gets in."
-leonard cohen

2002-09-24 06:35:37 ET

Hrm, good observation there...

There's also the issue of thinking you understand the expectations, and being dead wrong.... but that's a whole other journal entry.

By the way, that guy's still bitter.

2002-09-24 06:38:40 ET

jesus christ i think if more chicks listened to underworld he wouldnt feel as bad, no?

2002-09-24 06:43:27 ET

Yes, exactly.

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