2002-11-01 13:02:25 ET|
i cant win. not against myself.
drank myself into the fucking ground last night. somewhere inside of me there is a tiny speck of something- maybe i swallowed it when i was a kid- that wants to die. it was feeding off of shots of toxic waste in a basement in newark new jersey. it loves it there.
"only you can kill your brain..."
the seeds of self destruct start early. the decisions that matter have already been made, they are tiny tiny priority calls that happen before the situation makes the curves tighter and the road slippery. i chose to fuck it up when i picked up the first shot, not the sixth.. not when i threw my gangster hat across the room, gesticulating wildly with my tommy gun my distress (see also: drama) and collapsing in the seat. the decision had already been made.
i am capable of doing things beyond human morality because in a sense everything has already come and gone everything is already dying or dead. i have been fighting a losing battle for months and win by technicalities. it does not matter what i do. ::see also/ kirosawa's 'drunken angel':: . i am like new york, always going to hell but somehow never quite gets there.
"Case knew that at some point he'd started to play a game with himself, a very ancient one that has no name, a final solitaire. A part of him knew that the arc of his self-destruction was glaringly obvious to his customers, who grew steadily fewer, but that same part of him basked in the knowledge that it was only a matter of time."
/////william gibson - neuromancer
i get what i want. i always do, i just either 1. dont realize that i wanted it or 2. go about getting it indirectly. the most common method of me getting what i want isnt through discipline, or debonairre, its self sabotage. if i hate my job i lose my keys or show up late or drunk or not at all and each time it seems as unavoidable as the sun rising. if my expectations are not being met *or my expectations have changed while i wasnt looking* and i am not happy i WILL find a way to sabotage things...
being cryptic rocks.
the danger is, if the death wish becomes strong enough.. my life looks like its about to fall apart, money is not good, personal life is FUCKED, getting kicked out of ap't.. job is bad again... whats keeping my subconscious from making me step out in front of a car? its a frightening thought, but so many other 'coincidences' are happening i cant ignore it.
my life lately has been such polar fucking opposites; im feeling *slightly* more creative, my friends rock... my weekends have been great 10 weeks in a row... but it looks like that may fall apart.. it feels like that may fall apart; maybe im just hung over and shouldnt make profound statements about my world view in this state of mind.
:only you can kill your brain: