2003-01-30 16:38:58 ET

i am very sick

sorry if i dont respond to any pm's or anything

i have a fever and am seeing things.. like i know its not really orange outsid.e... i know tha.t..

i got in a showdown with my DICK boss when i asked if i could leave early.. there's no heat in the office..and i was shaking.. and delirious.. i curled myself up around the tiny space heater wrapped in layers of trenchcoat.. and when he came back he told me it was all in my mind "its all in your mentality.. "

he's the guy who runs the requiem-esque 'juice by YOU' motivational meetings in the morning

i asked him if he was sure thats what he wanted to say to me

he said yes and reiterated that my illness is in my mind

i told him that i understand he was coming from a psychologically intense sales culture that emphasizes mind over matter.. however if he continued to insult me like that our working relationship would become extremely unpleasant (see figure 12-a, to your left).

i reminded him that i am working for less than ten dollars an hour for a company that offers no insurance/benefits. and that i wasnt one of his sales guys and refuse to be treated as such; he wasnt being paid to break me down and build me back up.

once again he quesitoned the nature of the illness. i told him what happened to me in 1998/99. he backed off immediately. but the damage had already been done. 'why didnt you tell me before' he said. 'because i shouldnt have to share personal details with you. if we have a GOOD working relationship and i tell you its PHYSICAL you should trust me.. i told him i was not going to forget the breach of trust that occured today.

he sent me home early, eventually.
i know rent has to be paid. i know the phone bill has to be paid. but i refuse to be insulted and treated like a child, especially when i cover for his mistress to his fiancee..

cross platform is this saturday. i have been panicking trying to get everything lined up; set lists, artists, equipment, promotional.. if feels good to lose myself in arranging something like this, to become a conduit for the energies around me; to disappear... its keeping my mind off of how fucking sick i am.

to top it off i keep having these really really NICE dreams about reconciling with an ex.. about it being warm again.. about walking over the williamsburg bridge in the sun.. they were almost hallucinations.. and i woke up in the office huddled around the space heater waiting for my boss to get back.. i can see my breath in the warehouse.. and its twice the slap in the face because of all the little details in the dreams.. little endearing details that you forget about but come back to haunt you... i even test myself in the dreams and conclude that i'm NOT dreaming; just to wake up covered in sweat and shaking. there is an indentation in my bed next to where i sleep. it is a black hole that threatens to eat everything i have worked for. i cover it with pillows and try to forget that it's there.

i will make it through this... i will bury everything that tortures me now... to quote monty python 'i'm not dead yet'... i'm running a night.. things really didnt end that badly.. im going to florida in april. i am going to see the sun again. i act like a bad ass but i want to cry thinking about what the sun used to feel like. and i dont think that listening to xmark's 'witiak' or 'drawback' is helping..

i believe i am returning from florida with a car.

so if anyone wants to hit the jersey shore with me this summer.. youre all welcome...

and if anyone wants to nominate me for emo posterchild of the month, i wont hold it against you.



2003-01-30 16:44:58 ET

Let me know what you need. Honestly, I cannot be there for you 100%, and you know this. But with that out of the way, let me know what would help, and I'll work on making it happen. Neither of us needs some vague show of sympathy or cute notes that say ::hugsistillloveyou:: -- that is ultimately useless. So try to tell me, somehow, sometime, exactly what I can do, and I will save my effort for what is most necessary, in order to help. . .

You've got enough of us combined here for you, you shouldn't be lacking for anything. . .

2003-01-30 16:52:42 ET

Feel better soon.

2003-01-30 16:55:58 ET

Alice: thankiez i will...

Insom: i know im not lacking for anything
and theres nothing horrible going on that can't be fixed
(say, by dropping off my resumes at places etc.)

and you already helped without knowing i found the tylenol
and i think its working... better than i had imagined
i couldnt even move or think before and the fact that i posted means things are looking up... i dont know about eating.. but the tylenol was all i needed, i think
i may be able to find the antibiotics from last time if i clean

2003-01-30 16:57:39 ET

I hope you feel better soon...

I hate the type of dreams you are talking about, I'll have streaks where I dream of a particular ex and I cant stand it, its like reliving the happiest parts of the relationship and then waking up to shit, the black hole you described. Which isnt to say Im not happy with my life now, its just that I would rather not have to deal with the feeling of loss again after waking up...

As for your boss, well as Jack said in Fight Club:
"Me? I'd be very careful who I talked
to about this. It sounds like
someone dangerous wrote it... someone
who might snap at any moment,
stalking from office to office with
an Armalite AR-10 Carbine-gas
semiautomatic, bitterly pumping round
after round into colleagues and co-

-The Joker

2003-01-30 17:06:11 ET

all i want to know is..

who's ... coming.. with me...

2003-01-30 17:28:43 ET

I always want a to leave a comment but I know I don't have anything that could be of use.

However, I don't look at this entry as a weakness, it just makes you appear closer to human. more 3 dimensional. to me.

We all have emo days. no need to let the fact that your having an emo day add to the fire, neh?

And still I talk.

2003-01-30 18:58:08 ET

you'll be fine. you're stronger than you know, and you have us for support.

love you.

2003-01-30 21:22:18 ET

lol, im with ya homie! haha, feel better gansta bitch! ...and lay off that 43... you nearly got me drunk ;)

2003-01-31 14:56:36 ET

its all about da LIQUID GOLD, y0

yeah i almost did have you drunk! wait till next time

"soon, the student will be greater than the master!!!"

</star wars>

2003-01-31 14:59:46 ET

want me to give you your meds?
*tightens your straight jacket and pats you on the head*


2003-01-31 15:01:06 ET

oh man. you are so QUALIFIED.

you are a psycho-hologist or whatever

and according to my boss it is all in my mind...

2003-01-31 15:02:01 ET

exactly. ;-*

2003-01-31 16:25:37 ET

you still have alot to learn my young apprentice.

2003-01-31 16:27:07 ET

Yeah you gotta get drunk and make out with more hot goth chicks.

2003-01-31 16:27:51 ET

lolol!!! ;)

  Return to death by design's page