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2003-01-30 16:38:58 ET i am very sick sorry if i dont respond to any pm's or anything i have a fever and am seeing things.. like i know its not really orange outsid.e... i know tha.t.. i got in a showdown with my DICK boss when i asked if i could leave early.. there's no heat in the office..and i was shaking.. and delirious.. i curled myself up around the tiny space heater wrapped in layers of trenchcoat.. and when he came back he told me it was all in my mind "its all in your mentality.. " he's the guy who runs the requiem-esque 'juice by YOU' motivational meetings in the morning i asked him if he was sure thats what he wanted to say to me he said yes and reiterated that my illness is in my mind i told him that i understand he was coming from a psychologically intense sales culture that emphasizes mind over matter.. however if he continued to insult me like that our working relationship would become extremely unpleasant (see figure 12-a, to your left). i reminded him that i am working for less than ten dollars an hour for a company that offers no insurance/benefits. and that i wasnt one of his sales guys and refuse to be treated as such; he wasnt being paid to break me down and build me back up. once again he quesitoned the nature of the illness. i told him what happened to me in 1998/99. he backed off immediately. but the damage had already been done. 'why didnt you tell me before' he said. 'because i shouldnt have to share personal details with you. if we have a GOOD working relationship and i tell you its PHYSICAL you should trust me.. i told him i was not going to forget the breach of trust that occured today. he sent me home early, eventually. i know rent has to be paid. i know the phone bill has to be paid. but i refuse to be insulted and treated like a child, especially when i cover for his mistress to his fiancee.. cross platform is this saturday. i have been panicking trying to get everything lined up; set lists, artists, equipment, promotional.. if feels good to lose myself in arranging something like this, to become a conduit for the energies around me; to disappear... its keeping my mind off of how fucking sick i am. to top it off i keep having these really really NICE dreams about reconciling with an ex.. about it being warm again.. about walking over the williamsburg bridge in the sun.. they were almost hallucinations.. and i woke up in the office huddled around the space heater waiting for my boss to get back.. i can see my breath in the warehouse.. and its twice the slap in the face because of all the little details in the dreams.. little endearing details that you forget about but come back to haunt you... i even test myself in the dreams and conclude that i'm NOT dreaming; just to wake up covered in sweat and shaking. there is an indentation in my bed next to where i sleep. it is a black hole that threatens to eat everything i have worked for. i cover it with pillows and try to forget that it's there. i will make it through this... i will bury everything that tortures me now... to quote monty python 'i'm not dead yet'... i'm running a night.. things really didnt end that badly.. im going to florida in april. i am going to see the sun again. i act like a bad ass but i want to cry thinking about what the sun used to feel like. and i dont think that listening to xmark's 'witiak' or 'drawback' is helping.. i believe i am returning from florida with a car. so if anyone wants to hit the jersey shore with me this summer.. youre all welcome... and if anyone wants to nominate me for emo posterchild of the month, i wont hold it against you. <3 dbd |
