do i stay like this?
2004-02-23 01:09:26 ET

god....everyday just seems to get worse...I mean i didnt have a bad day at work, i was actually productive and active...but yet at the end of the day i just went home to my room and sat there and looked around.

it felt so empty and cold, almost lonely...and of course, me thinking again didnt help (goddamn i need to stop this thinking crap...). I actually sat there and did something i havent for quite a while. I sat there and cried silent tears...I sat there and realized i have become just as my room...lonely, empty. For everthing I have and have worked for in these last two years, it just came crashing down in my mind. Two years ago i was a scared little boy who had no clue what be and expect for the next day, and nothing has changed.

There was a qoute I saw in one of the offices today, "I live by who I am, for that is all I know." The thing I fear now is that I dont know who i am anymore...

2004-02-23 01:13:54 ET

ok you aren't supposed to feel like i feel...*shakes head* nooope. so stop with the feeling like me *nodnod* be happy sweetie...

i've been told this a lot lately "it always gets worse before it gets better" yeah ok it's not much of a comfort, but it's a small light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. I s'ppose :) I'm trying to keep my spirits up as well so it's a bit difficult for me to be too optimistic hehe.

<3 much love at any rate :)

2004-02-23 02:43:47 ET

I have a friend that does a lot of ministry in the prison system, and he tells me that in most cases the difference between the sane and the insane person is the presence of hope. Don't lose it.

2004-02-23 04:07:09 ET

i always feel empty and cold. i'm used to it now. i've been accused of trying to make the youth jaded and cold..i'm not jaded dammit! just because i hate most of the human race doesn't make me jaded..i just don't like to go out, unless i'm forced to or i have to go to work...i mean, does that make me jaded? does it make me jaded because i hate most things? ugh...*stomps feet*

2004-02-23 07:31:16 ET

The first tell-tale sign of impending depression is the lack of some sort of activity. If after work you find yourself sitting around staring at the walls, then its best to try and stimulate your mind some how. Play sports, read a book, go out for a long walk. Activity, especially the more physical activity, can be good for both the brain and the body as it creates natural chemicals (endorphins) to be produced at a higher rate. Granted, I'm sure work keeps you quite physically active. Maybe some more social activity would help to boost your spirits?

2004-02-23 07:36:57 ET

or- for goodness sakes, you work for a chaplain. He should be able to either provide counseling or hook you up with a care provider of some sort.

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