2004-02-18 03:12:40 ET|
so i just learned that people are pretty much talking shit about me behind my back. i would not care if it was not people who were SUPPOSED to be my friends. this has happened twice this week now and over the same thing. it has been over suicide girls. yes i am on the site. i did the site for a few reasons. i feel Suicide girls was created as an attempt to combat conventional views of beauty that I feel can be harmful to some people. It was also created because what mainstream society deems as beautiful is not what everyone finds attractive. It is also very different from what we sell in the back room. There are no guys fucking anyone. There is not sex or penetration. i do feel that that form of porn can be harmful to women. however, suicide girls is VERY different from that. It is more of a pin-up style and just fully clothed to nude pictures. The pictures are taken in a Varity of styles, and that is up to each girl. Many of the pictures are taken in a very artsy manner. i have a degree in art and enjoy the nude figure...female or male. i am used to seing the nude human form in paintings and photography and am not offended by it. I wanted to do the site for many reasons and thought about them for awhile before I did it. I thought it would be a good way to promote the band, and it has been. Playing in Kansas is very unfulfilling as there are not many if even anyone here who would be into the style of music we play. Kansas City MO is not that much better. Thru the site we now have a bunch of out of state shows booked with money guarantees. I also did it for a little extra money. My parents do not support me and can not. They do not live in a slum, rather a small but nice house in south Houston. They do not make very much money, but enough to get by. They have been very supportive and have tried to help me as much as they can by doing things like co-signing on my car loans. If it had not been for them, I would not have had my first car or the one I have now since I can not get a car loan on my own. My mom worked a day job and a night job while I was in undergrad so she could help me out a little more and for that I owe her something more than money. Even now, she will send me 30 bux on the occasion when they had a little extra money that month. I have about 22,000 dollars in student loan debt from undergraduate. The 300 dollars suicide girls pays me for each photo set helps me out to buy the silver I need to make things for school without getting deeper into debt. You may look down on me because of that, but it beats selling my plasma or other things. I also wanted to be on the site because it makes me feel better about myself. I was a fat kid and was chubby into high school. I never had many friends because of this. Kids can be mean, and they were. I did not loose weight till my freshman year in high school when I developed mild eating disorders which I still struggle with to this day. I have never gotten to be the pretty girl. I am always the chubby girl and through my life it has played a big toll on my self image and self esteem. Looking at magazines full of thin blonde haired blue eyed girls with big boobs did not help. Seeing people like Brittany spears did not help. I feel Suicide girls combats this image. There are girls of all sizes, races, shapes and styles on the site. It lets me say fuck you to that standard of beauty and for once lets me be the pretty girl. It lets me be the pretty girl even though my ass is a bit bigger and I have fat on my body. It also says fuck you to the world when people would rather look at someone that looks like me than a Pamela Anderson type girl (not that there is anything wrong with that look, but i could never look like her and it is nice to be viewed as attractive without killing myself attempting to look that way). I would also much rather a guy I date find the girls on suicide girls attractive than what main stream society finds attractive. Suicide girls have a standard I can meet. It has a standard that every girl can meet, one that says be your self and fuck what they say. It does not put forth an image of beauty that is unreal. All the girls in the site are very real and natural.
so i hear people call the site "suicide whores"---people who are supposed to be my friend. i consider a whore or a slut someone who has sex with many people and people they are not in love with. i am 25 years old and have had sex with four people. 3 of them i loved and one was a mistake that i learned from. i don't go out and have sex with dudes. i don't go on dick hunts. i don't have "fuck buddies." when i am in a relationship i do not cheat. i am one of the furthest things from a slut. i have found someone i want to be with till i die and he is the only person i will have sex with for the rest of my life. so i am the slut for being on the site??? i am sure i have had way less sex and with way less people in my life than these people who are bashing me for doing something i want to do.
many of my friends do things i do not approve of. BUT WHAT THEY DO IS UP TO THEM. i would be a good friend by not talking shit about what they do. someone talking shit about suicide girls is the same thing in my book as them talking shit about my band, my art or any other thing i am involved in. i don't care when people i don't know talk shit, but it hurts when it is someone who is supposed to be my friend. it hurts because it is a knife in my back. most people who talk shit on the site have never even had a membership to see the pictures and have NO CLUE what the site is like. they are going on assumption. i also think that people who talk shit are just jealous and that is pathetic.
being on suicide girls has helped me a lot. i feel better about myself and am more comfortable with my body and my imperfections. i have honestly not liked the way i look as much as i do today. i am more confident and feel better about myself. when people do that, i feel like they want to take that away...like they want me to feel like shit again. and like they are really shitty friends.
don't be nice to me and do shit like this behind my back. don't try to be all buddy buddy with my boyfriend and then talk shit about me in your journal. have some fucking respect. if you don't like the site, then don't look at it. just have some damn respect for myself and my boyfriend.