2015-10-10 22:13:21 ET|
hello again. i've had way too much strawberry banana vodka (just as cheap and disgusting as it sounds) and i have heartburn and can't sleep so i'm gonna write here. i found a picture i took earlier this year:
doesn't look so bad really. but it is. this was a couple days after i received some devastating news that i am honestly still probably recovering from. when i took this photo i thought i was smiling. it doesn't look like a smile though. i can see that whatever emotion is on my face isn't reaching my eyes. i can see the sadness there. it's so hard to remember how depressed and how fucking utterly SAD S-A-D i was around this time. it was a feeling that persisted for months. sadness so profound and real that i could not get out of bed, and not even the threat of failing my classes or losing my job was enough to motivate me. holy shit i was in a bad, bad place and it was mostly because of someone i once cared about.
i can't conjure those feelings now, those feelings of love and care and tenderness. when i think of this person i feel absolutely nothing and that makes me a little sad but mostly i feel nothing about feeling nothing. to be honest i'd un-meet him if i could. to feel NOTHING about someone you once felt EVERYTHING for is very tragic, i think. what a world we live in. existence is so interesting and scary and hard to wrap my head around. i am grateful to be alive but sometimes i question my purpose on earth.
i think about him a lot but i still feel nothing. i wonder if he's okay but i consider that even if he isn't, there's nothing for me to do about it anymore. i think if i found out he was dying i would still feel nothing. he has used up his allotment of my good humor but curiosity keeps me wondering about his life. i do hope he's content, i hope he is sleeping well and making good decisions for his future. i could never wish anyone ill will but i'd be lying if i said i don't hope he suffers just a little sometimes; that he dreams about making me cry and wishes things could have been different. i think i have a revenge fetish, i can't stand the idea of people doing shitty things and not having to take responsibility for it. voltaire said every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do and i agree. be good to people just because. please.
this is rambling but the alcohol is making me loose and i like it. it's been months and i'm still not over it, not entirely. i don't cry over it any more though, and i can look at pictures of them together without wanting to die. what a step in the right direction. i'm sick of suffering but sometimes i feel like it gives my life purpose. depression is so weird. i hate being miserable but it's all i know. when i'm happy i get anxious because i know it won't last very long. i find myself entering every situation ready to be disappointed because that way it won't hurt so bad when i am inevitably let down.
but i'm okay. i'll graduate in a couple months and be a real, live adult with my own place and a 9-5 job. i cannot fucking wait. my life is a clusterfuck right now and i am a creature of habit. the variability from day to day fucks with me; i need stability. soon i will have it. soon i can focus on my mental health 100%. things will be better, all it takes is time. i firmly believe that.