miss self destruct    
cosmetologist, bio major, perpetuator of bad decisions

kill one man, and you are a murderer.
kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror.
kill them all, and you are a god.

gallery of people who are awesome at life  

2015-04-18 19:12:40 ET

someone that i love is in an abusive relationship and the situation is so fucking delicate that i am at a loss for how to help. i have been googling "how to talk to someone in an abusive relationship" and "how to help someone who doesn't believe they're being abused" and shit like that and it's sort of giving me ideas of what to say and how to approach the subject, but i am still so fucking scared he'll just get angry and think i'm prying and shut the conversation down before it even gets started.

what's even more complicated about it is that up until a little over a month ago, he and i were romantically involved and headed toward good things. the bump in the road came in the form of his emotionally, physically, sexually and psychologically abusive ex-girlfriend coming back to town and having no job or place to live. being the good guy that he is, he decided to take her in and fall back on old habits rather than let her be homeless. all the progress he had made in the time they'd been apart, building up his self-esteem, making positive changes, reconnecting with old friends, planning for the future... over the past month i've watched all of that come to a screeching halt.

i see him reverting back to the depressed, anxious, confused, exhausted, cynical person he was when i first met him right after they'd broken up. getting a glimpse of the person he is inside, past the walls he's built up... i feel like i can't sit idly by and leave him behind. it's so, so hard for me to deal with this, but i know it's even harder for him, and i am doing everything i can to focus on helping him. i just don't know how. i'm so scared of fucking things up and pushing him away. he's so good at hiding his emotions and putting on a brave face and pretending that he's jazzed to be helping her out, but i can tell that he knows things aren't right. i'm so scared for him.

he's become a person i hardly recognize and i realize that this is likely how he was the entire time they were together, i just never got to see it, only hear about it. in the time i knew him, the REAL him, he was radiant. it hurts my very soul to see him as he is now. he walks on eggshells around her all the time because his main motivation for everything now, EVERYTHING, including the people he interacts with, the places he goes, the things he does, is just to prevent her from having a panic attack. he has cut off nearly all contact with me and other female friends because it's easier to remove us from his life than it is to deal with one of her jealous, unstable episodes where she's up all night screaming and crying and begging him to take her to the hospital because she thinks she's dying.

all of this is compounded further by the fact that i live two hours away, and seem to be the only person who is fully aware of how dire and delicate and complicated and sad the situation is. his parents have no idea and have never even met his ex, all of his close friends don't live nearby so he can only skype with them, but he can't even discuss what's happening because he lives in a studio apartment and she's always there, listening... his old roommate and best friend knows she's back in town but i have no idea how he feels about the situation. i feel like the only one who can help, but there's so little i can do. i don't know. i just don't know.

so, SK, i come to you again... any advice? have you ever been in my position, standing on the sidelines watching and feeling helpless while someone you care about suffers silently? or maybe you've been on the inside, trapped in a situation you weren't sure how to get out of, feeling like you are alone and scared and unsure of who or where to turn to?

thank you all. i just want to say thanks. i've gotten some really good advice here over the years and am always grateful to have this place to call home when my brain is overflowing and i need somewhere to put it all.

2015-03-14 01:29:04 ET

to any polyamorous/open relationship people out there:

question: would you entertain a relationship with someone without letting them know you're polyamorous, assume that they're ok with you being polyamorous, or that they are polyamorous?

or would you assume intrinsically that they are monogamous (considering that statistically, the majority of people are) and make them very aware that you are polyamorous, ask if they are ok with getting involved with someone who is poly, etc?

i feel like that's a pretty big thing to make sure everyone's on board with. i don't think that's something you assume or leave to chance. i'm monogamous and have no interest in any poly/open relationships, no offense to anyone who does, and i would like to have that sort of information disclosed to me before getting involved with someone. i am absolutely crushed right now.

2015-03-04 10:42:14 ET

i have been so fucking mad lately. mad. angry. livid. seething. i'm so exhausted by it. my moods are so up and down i can barely keep up. one minute i'm itching to physically destroy something, the next i am bordering on tears and just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. it's sort of unfamiliar to me to feel so angry, since strong emotions usually just elicit tears before anything else. i'm a crier. i'm used to being sad. being so angry is foreign, and leaves me at a loss for how to handle myself.

the worst part? it's over a dude. of course. what a tired and useless scenario.

i don't have a lot of friends and really have noone to turn to for advice. my best friend hears that i'm hurting so her kneejerk reaction is to agree with everything i say, same with my mom. but i can still only talk to them over the phone because they're both 3 hours away. i'm not close enough to my roommates to open up to them about my problems, though i do like them very much, and aside from them i don't know anyone that lives near me, so i can't go out with anyone and vent over a cup of coffee or a beer.

i feel very, very alone. there is one person i'd like to open up to, but he's a major part of the problem. he is the one that's making me hurt. he is the one making me angry. he is the one making my depression, which i usually pride myself on having under control, flare up and i'll be god damned if i give him any more power over me by relying on him for help of any kind.

why am i doing this to myself? why am i letting him do this to me? do i not have more self respect than this; do i not know intrinsically that i am worth so much more? do i not deserve someone who will put me first at all times, rather than just when it's convenient for them? do i not deserve to have someone who will fight for me, rather than just roll over and shrug when i express that i am not content and can't handle feeling this way anymore? do i not deserve to feel like i am with someone who is proud to be with me and proud of what we have together, or is it normal to feel like i'm only a prize behind closed doors when certain people aren't watching?

i keep giving pieces of myself to people who aren't equipped to handle them. that's part of my problem, in general, i think. i am fully prepared to love with everything i have, to give of my mind and soul freely without thinking about the consequences. there's a quote from the kite runner by khaled hosseini that's something like, "that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. they think everyone else does, too."

that's me. completely me. i mean what i say, and i trust and give and love and sacrifice, and i expect the same in return but rarely see returns on my investments. i suppose i can't fault anyone but myself for my constant disappointment in people. nobody but myself, and my romantic, unrealistic ideas about happiness.

i've spent nearly 50 minutes writing this post. do i feel any better?
sort of. marginally. not really. who am i kidding? no.

2014-10-06 16:55:21 ET

been hella into this album lately, and more specifically this song. i just lay in bed in the dark and chill to it. nice.

somehow i just had a huge post typed up (i spent like, 2 hours on it just writing and re-writing and really thinking about what i wanted to say) about how disappointed i've been with life lately, and when i went to submit it, it didn't work and now it's all gone and i'm just sitting here like. hah. how fitting.

2014-06-18 22:56:47 ET

nothing really fancy to say,
except i made the dean's list! woo!

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