miss self destruct    
cosmetologist, bio major, perpetuator of bad decisions

kill one man, and you are a murderer.
kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror.
kill them all, and you are a god.

gallery of people who are awesome at life  

2015-03-14 01:29:04 ET

to any polyamorous/open relationship people out there:

question: would you entertain a relationship with someone without letting them know you're polyamorous, assume that they're ok with you being polyamorous, or that they are polyamorous?

or would you assume intrinsically that they are monogamous (considering that statistically, the majority of people are) and make them very aware that you are polyamorous, ask if they are ok with getting involved with someone who is poly, etc?

i feel like that's a pretty big thing to make sure everyone's on board with. i don't think that's something you assume or leave to chance. i'm monogamous and have no interest in any poly/open relationships, no offense to anyone who does, and i would like to have that sort of information disclosed to me before getting involved with someone. i am absolutely crushed right now.

2015-03-04 10:42:14 ET

i have been so fucking mad lately. mad. angry. livid. seething. i'm so exhausted by it. my moods are so up and down i can barely keep up. one minute i'm itching to physically destroy something, the next i am bordering on tears and just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. it's sort of unfamiliar to me to feel so angry, since strong emotions usually just elicit tears before anything else. i'm a crier. i'm used to being sad. being so angry is foreign, and leaves me at a loss for how to handle myself.

the worst part? it's over a dude. of course. what a tired and useless scenario.

i don't have a lot of friends and really have noone to turn to for advice. my best friend hears that i'm hurting so her kneejerk reaction is to agree with everything i say, same with my mom. but i can still only talk to them over the phone because they're both 3 hours away. i'm not close enough to my roommates to open up to them about my problems, though i do like them very much, and aside from them i don't know anyone that lives near me, so i can't go out with anyone and vent over a cup of coffee or a beer.

i feel very, very alone. there is one person i'd like to open up to, but he's a major part of the problem. he is the one that's making me hurt. he is the one making me angry. he is the one making my depression, which i usually pride myself on having under control, flare up and i'll be god damned if i give him any more power over me by relying on him for help of any kind.

why am i doing this to myself? why am i letting him do this to me? do i not have more self respect than this; do i not know intrinsically that i am worth so much more? do i not deserve someone who will put me first at all times, rather than just when it's convenient for them? do i not deserve to have someone who will fight for me, rather than just roll over and shrug when i express that i am not content and can't handle feeling this way anymore? do i not deserve to feel like i am with someone who is proud to be with me and proud of what we have together, or is it normal to feel like i'm only a prize behind closed doors when certain people aren't watching?

i keep giving pieces of myself to people who aren't equipped to handle them. that's part of my problem, in general, i think. i am fully prepared to love with everything i have, to give of my mind and soul freely without thinking about the consequences. there's a quote from the kite runner by khaled hosseini that's something like, "that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. they think everyone else does, too."

that's me. completely me. i mean what i say, and i trust and give and love and sacrifice, and i expect the same in return but rarely see returns on my investments. i suppose i can't fault anyone but myself for my constant disappointment in people. nobody but myself, and my romantic, unrealistic ideas about happiness.

i've spent nearly 50 minutes writing this post. do i feel any better?
sort of. marginally. not really. who am i kidding? no.

2014-10-06 16:55:21 ET

been hella into this album lately, and more specifically this song. i just lay in bed in the dark and chill to it. nice.

somehow i just had a huge post typed up (i spent like, 2 hours on it just writing and re-writing and really thinking about what i wanted to say) about how disappointed i've been with life lately, and when i went to submit it, it didn't work and now it's all gone and i'm just sitting here like. hah. how fitting.

2014-06-18 22:56:47 ET

nothing really fancy to say,
except i made the dean's list! woo!

2014-02-17 21:57:23 ET

i never, ever, EVER want to see the movie frozen. i don't care how good it is. my roommates have been listening to that god damn "let it go" song at least 5 times a day, every day since they went and saw it back in november. i know 95% of the words to it just from listening to them sing it over and over again. i think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
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