2005-12-27 08:16:39 ET|
quiet morning (noon, for me) with caramel vanilla coffee and new camo flannel pajama pants. i've been so tired with exams and out of town guests and traveling and the holidays that i really expected that today, the first day free of obligations that i've had in quite some time, i would be sleeping in. that wasn't to happen though, not even after an acute, long asthma attack kept me up late-late last night. so i get up, realize i'm ragging again for the third time this month, feed the cat, tidy the apartment and settle into listening to the hum of nothingness in these small rooms.
the boyfriend is still curled up in bed, in our bed which was his bed until he brought it up here along with all of his other possessions and his life to share with me. i've never been in love before, not even close and i can't believe what i've been missing out on. but it would have never been worthwhile with anyone else and i'm so lucky to have it so good on my first time around. we never fight, we never get tired of seeing each other, we're comfortable around one another, we adore things in each other that surely annoy the hell out of the rest of the world. it's amazing. if it's possible to be perfect, jay must be a likely candidate for the position. not because he's flawless but because he's so graceful at life, he so effortlessly embraces it all. he never gets in bad moods or is afraid to be himself or frets over death. he just smiles and keeps going and i'm so inspired by it, even though i don't feel that i'll ever understand it. i've never known anyone so beautiful inside and out.
of course i don't share in any of those admirable traits and i'm always wondering what he could possibly see in me and worrying over the untimely demise of this happy life together. and i worry that my worrying will pull us apart. i know that i should stop.
my cat sits in the window and is fascinated by each twitching leaf outside and i look at her and think "perfect". jay lays in the next room breathing softly with his lids clamped down over those irridescent blue eyes. perfect. i look at myself and i see a mess, yet i'm somehow connected here to these other seemingly perfect ones and so maybe there is some small part of me that is also...
no. no, just not possible.
but still, sometimes i'm content just to be witness.