gallery 1
everything that can't be said.
(passing off laziness as minimalism.)

 snuck inside the sound of sleep    2005-12-27 08:16:39 ET
quiet morning (noon, for me) with caramel vanilla coffee and new camo flannel pajama pants. i've been so tired with exams and out of town guests and traveling and the holidays that i really expected that today, the first day free of obligations that i've had in quite some time, i would be sleeping in. that wasn't to happen though, not even after an acute, long asthma attack kept me up late-late last night. so i get up, realize i'm ragging again for the third time this month, feed the cat, tidy the apartment and settle into listening to the hum of nothingness in these small rooms.

the boyfriend is still curled up in bed, in our bed which was his bed until he brought it up here along with all of his other possessions and his life to share with me. i've never been in love before, not even close and i can't believe what i've been missing out on. but it would have never been worthwhile with anyone else and i'm so lucky to have it so good on my first time around. we never fight, we never get tired of seeing each other, we're comfortable around one another, we adore things in each other that surely annoy the hell out of the rest of the world. it's amazing. if it's possible to be perfect, jay must be a likely candidate for the position. not because he's flawless but because he's so graceful at life, he so effortlessly embraces it all. he never gets in bad moods or is afraid to be himself or frets over death. he just smiles and keeps going and i'm so inspired by it, even though i don't feel that i'll ever understand it. i've never known anyone so beautiful inside and out.

of course i don't share in any of those admirable traits and i'm always wondering what he could possibly see in me and worrying over the untimely demise of this happy life together. and i worry that my worrying will pull us apart. i know that i should stop.

my cat sits in the window and is fascinated by each twitching leaf outside and i look at her and think "perfect". jay lays in the next room breathing softly with his lids clamped down over those irridescent blue eyes. perfect. i look at myself and i see a mess, yet i'm somehow connected here to these other seemingly perfect ones and so maybe there is some small part of me that is also...

no. no, just not possible.

but still, sometimes i'm content just to be witness.

 neon black future charging like a bull    2005-12-04 20:24:06 ET
my little sister just asked me, "why don't you ever post online?" to which i had no answer. so fuck it, i'll post. even though i have less than nothing to say.

school is going to be over in about a week and a half. then i only have one semester left until i'll have my masters. holy shit. this would be more exicting if i had any sort of a plan for next year -- the doctrinal school doesn't look like it'll happen to the year after and i have no idea what to do in the meantime. blah. i suck at decisions, which is a problem when life is so quick to just pass you by.

things with jay and i are still wonderful. i am still awestruck by all of this. how did i get so lucky? i don't even want to talk about it, lest i jinx it and it disappears.

we're living on our own now, just he and i and the cat. no more roommates, which is a nice change even though i miss the company sometimes. i definitely miss having my levit around. this has been such a HARD, trying several months and she hasn't been here for it. i really feel like i've been going it alone these days. it's like there are people here, but not with me. i don't know quite what i mean.

things could always be worse, of course, and i do remind myself of that daily. i am grateful for what i have, it's just so unnerving when everything is always on the edge of falling apart. my life has become this broken glass still clinging to its frame, but just one heavy breath will make it shatter.

if i believed in some sort of higher powers, i think i would ask: please let things get better for once and not worse. PLEASE.

i envy the faithful sometimes, i really do.

 my spring break in the bahamas    2005-03-27 14:00:23 ET
so, the full report on our vacation. it was incredible; definitely one of the best times I've ever had. we flew from richmond to orlando (the first time I've been to florida, too, as well as the first time I've gone further south than georgia) and then to nassau from there. when we got to our destination night had already fallen and it was beautiful. all you could see was the city lights reflecting off of all the widespread ocean, creating prisms of light everywhere. the roads there are small and winding to the extent that there are no lanes and people just dodge on either side as needed (they drive on the opposite side of the road there, too) and go off the road about as much as they stay on it so I thought I was going to die several times just on the way to the hotel. the hotel we stayed at was much more swank than I had anticipated. it had a full mall, five restaurants, gym, spa, liquor store, two bars and a casino inside of it. the pool there was amazing, too. it had a huge waterslide that was shaped in such a way that it looked like part of a mountain. there are caves carved into it that you can swim into, also, and waterfalls that run over the whole thing. it also featured a swim up bar which is one of humankind's greatest inventions to date. we could not only drink in the pool, but on the beach, on the street, in the hotel lobby, elevators and corridors, in stores, restaurants -- everywhere. I don't know if they actually have laws on drinking (I do know that the drinking and gambling age is supposed to be 18 there but I saw plenty of younger kids drinking with ease) or if they are just extremely lax on them but it was great either way. the first night we got there we went immediately to the casino. I've never so much as even purchased a lottery ticket before so I didn't think I was going to be much of a gambler but it was actually more fun than I had thought. the best part of gambling, we found, was all the free alcohol. so long as your gambling on something the staff will keep you loaded. since the casino is open twenty-four hours, we got in the habit of going there and spending just a few bucks playing quarter slot machines and stocking up on the free drinks before we went out in the evenings. we ended up winning plenty but then spending what we won, so we pretty much broke even. but considering how much alcohol we consumed for free, we actually came out ahead. the first morning of our stay we went on the robinson crusoe tour. a damn good time, that was. they took us out on a three level party boat and which featured more free drinks. there was a live junkaroo band playing and jay joked about getting them to play a bad brains song. they definitely had the accent for it. it took an hour to ride out to the remote island we were visiting for the day. it was called rose island and it is probably the most gorgeous and peaceful place I have ever been. as soon as we got there, jay and I went snorkeling. then we went and hiked through the island which was an amazing experience in its own right. there were hundreds, maybe thousands, of these small island lizards everywhere in all different colors: purple, blue, orange, black and white striped, yellow, green, etc. they had the habits of squirrels in that they scampered and jumped and played with each other, chasing one another up trees and bushes. they were a lot of fun to observe. when we finished that we went to this picnic area for a bahamian buffet lunch. I'm not sure what it is exactly that they do with their spices there but the food is exquisite. the band from the boat was there playing more music as we ate. so jay and I feasted on all of that and then went and laid in a hammock on a cliff overlooking the whole island. the view was breathtaking, to say the least. the sand there is powder, white and smooth and soft. the ocean isn't anything like the beaches I've seen in the U.S., either. since the water is so crystal clear it takes on different depths and will be light blue or teal or green depending on where you look. utterly amazing. after that we decided to go kayaking which is a hell of a good time, too. then it was time to get back on the boat, drink more Kalik (official beer of the bahamas) and head back to nassau. later that evening we went to fish fry which is an outdoor strip of bars and seafood restaurants built around the traditional fishermen's market. it's mostly a spot for locals and we had a great time getting drunk with them. we mostly hung out with the locals the whole time we were in the bahamas, who loved us for some reason and kept telling us that we were the coolest people they had seen there. I guess we were a welcomed change from the tommy hilfiger spring breakers the locals are used to seeing. after eating more delicious food and drinking, we took another life-threatening taxi back to our hotel where we wrapped the evening up by drinking at one of the bars there and in the casino. the next day was our snorkeling tour. this time we were bused out to a small cove on the other, more desolate side of nassau. there were parrots flying around everywhere, which were very people friendly. they would fly right up to you and begin talking. it's pretty cool because they have the rasta caribbean accents, also. after signing paperwork saying that we would take responsibility for our deaths regardless of the circumstances, we loaded up on a speed boat and rode out into the middle of the ocean. the water is so clear that you can see right to the bottom even from the boat and there were fish everywhere. when we first got in the water, we jumped directly into a school of fish so that there were literally hundreds of fish bombarding us. we brought an underwater camera and took a lot of awesome pictures. other than all the bright, iridescent tropical fish and reef, we also saw swordfishes. after spending a while there, we got back on the speed boat and went to our next location. this was a coral reef called "little elvis" which is a horseshoe shape. this one was so close to the water that there were portions you couldn't even swim over. we were warned that there was fire coral throughout the reef so I was careful not to touch anything. our roommate levit went to costa rica a couple summers back with a friend and they went snorkeling there. her friend made the grave mistake of bumping her leg against some poisonous brain coral which left a huge red mark that looks just like a brain on her thigh (I've seen pictures and it didn't look very pleasant). it began burning very painfully and their guide told them that the ammonia of urine would make it go away so levit ended up having to urinate on her friend. who knew golden showers could be so helpful? anyway, so after little elvis we rode out even further into the middle of nowhere. this was the best part of the day: the pirate ship and sharks. as soon as our boat pulled up, the sharks started swarming around us. there were probably twenty or so in the water. they put a screened iron box full of raw meat in the water to occupy the sharks and then we got in with them. we were instructed to hold on to this yellow safety line as we watched the sharks, which were extremely close to us, but I couldn't get good pictures from there so I swam even closer to them. they were much more interested in the raw meat than me but there were still some that give me vicious looks with their piercing eyes (ok, or maybe that's just how sharks always look). the ship wreck we couldn’t really see from the top of the water. we were in water hundreds of feet deep at that point so our view of it was rather murky. perhaps if I go back I'll go scuba diving so I can explore that kind of thing more thoroughly. after swimming with the sharks for a while, we got back on the boat and watched them get fed. that was a rather chilling experience. the guide who was hand feeding them the slabs of raw meat assured us that he's been doing this for thirteen years but it was still crazy seeing those monstrous jaws and teeth clamping down mere inches away from his fingers. have you ever seen sharks eating? they're like piranhas chomping vigorously. it was a blur of teeth and blood and carnage. on the way back to the cove we rode past the island of celebrity homes. I saw everyone from pricilla presely's home to cyndi lauper's to the adidas family's. the best one was this place owned by the owner of nine west. it has its own man-made beach, a mansion made entirely of glass panels with traditional style tiki grass hut roofs and a courtyard full of mayan temples and giant wooden symbols, such as a phoenix. I think the guide said it cost around seven million dollars. that night we went bar hopping (after drinking more at the casino for free, of course) and met a lot of awesome local people. I still can't get over how friendly and laid back everyone there was. it makes our so-called "southern hospitality" look like bullshit by comparison. at some point we went out to the beach and got even more drunk, but I basically can only remember that by the pictures of jay and I drinking on the shore. the next day we went parasailing which was a lot of fun. I've always wanted to give that a try and I'm glad I waited till I was in the bahamas to do so because the view was spectacular. you go up about four hundred feet in the air, which was higher than I had expected. even from up there you can still look down and see the ocean floor with all of its starfishes because the water is so crystal clear. there was another high speed boat ride involved with the parasailing, so that was also good times. following that we went downtown to the local outdoor market, the straw market. it was nice to stroll through there, seeing all the intricate handmade crafts by the locals and school children in uniforms that looked as if they were straight from the 1920s running about. we ran into one of our local friends while we were there jay bought a cuban cigar, which are extremely cheap there. we also visited a pirate museum there that was awesome. the museum is inside of a replica pirate's ship and set up like a wax museum but with live actors throughout it as well. jay ended up getting into a fun brawl with one of the pirates who then proceeded to sweep me into his arms and pretended to kidnap me and take me back to his ship as part of his loot. we have fun pictures of that, also. did you know that there is only one incident of a pirate making someone walk the plank in all of recorded history? they were more likely to maroon someone as punishment instead: making them governer of their own private island by stranding them on a vacant island with only one sack of wheat, one jug of booze and one gun with a single bullet. we finished up that day by going back to the hotel and getting drunk in the pool. that night we had reservations for a nice restaurant in paradise beach. delicious. this was our last night in the bahamas and as we were riding back to our hotel there were fireworks being launched at the nearby atlantis hotel. the city lights and the water and the fireworks all at once were almost too much. it was intensely beautiful. the next day was our last day there. our hotel room was ocean view and the outer wall was one giant window with a balcony attached. so we woke up early, pulled back the thick drapes and lay in bed watching the ocean collide with the shore. our plane didn't leave until the afternoon, so we went and hung out on the beach before we left. we mostly just sat together and looked out over the water, not talking but just letting the shoreline lap at our feet as we listened to the waves. and then all too soon it was over and we came back home. it was eighty-five degrees in the bahamas when we left and when we got back to richmond it began snowing.


 ...    2005-03-09 13:23:22 ET
on my way to class, i'm walking up grace street towards campus. i see a homeless man dragging himself up the sidewalk pulling a metal cart with a long handle behind him. there are a few beer cans rattling in the cart as it bumps over the concrete slabs and slits and the man -- older, black, scruffy grey beard, layers of flannel -- is mumbling to himself as he looks down at his feet. as he approaches me he looks up, looks me right in the eye and says, "everyone is catering to the reaper and he doesn't even know they exist!"
he then walks away and so do i.

 gun + gun = bang bang bang!    2005-03-07 18:14:54 ET
it is 11:15pm and i am just now starting on the 20 page research methods project that is due tomorrow.

this is academic suicide.

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