2009-08-29 12:20:45 ET|
You asked me, 'How's dad?" Let me see, dad is healthy. How do I know that little piece of information. I have had him pulled apart and checked by the doctor. Ahhh, but how is dad? Dad is often playful, often tired, sometimes frustrated and rarely angry. We still get back to the crucial question of how is dad? I wish I could tell you how dad is in a very clinical point of view but I can not.
If daddy has what grandpa had then this will proceed with slowness and we will always be in daddy's memory. He will forget things that don't need remembering anyway and proceed as daddy. His abilities, as you have already seen, will float along the recesses of his mind. Sometimes making it easy for him to build something for fix something. Other times making it easier for me have someone do the fixing. All the while the other person is fixing the broken, daddy does not remember that he could have easily fixed it as well.
I have studied, spoken with doctors and thought back on grandpa. We were away for so long that we missed the beginning signs with grandpa. We heard what grandpa was doing more than we actually saw what grandpa was doing.
We all laugh now when daddy wants to know who called, what did they want, etc. It has simply become daddy along with the sudden odd placement of words.
Of all the things, and I believe I spoke this to you, I fear losing the essence of daddy. The man who teases you with a little grin on his face. The man who crawls on his hands and knees as he plays hide and seek with his children and grandchildren. The man who comes to bed and reaches over for a kiss and touch even though we many just be going to sleep.
I miss having the man I can tell my hopes and dreams to. I miss being able to talk with him at night about my day. I miss being able to tell him if I am sad or angry. I miss his telling me about his plans for going to Montana. Of his hopes for selling the house. In an odd way I miss the realization that daddy will always be there to comfort and protect me. I fear seeing that vague look he had this past Christmas and realizing that the man who loved me was not home.
I realize that now I must always be there to comfort and protect him. I must be the one to see things are taken care of with the car and the house. I find I must walk a path already trod by those whose walk came much more quickly than mine.
Your sister has told me that I should write things down. Silly things that when looking back will make us laugh. Like calling a thorn a thong or forgetting to pick me up at work. That is true, we need laughter to push everything into it's rightful place and daddy has always been able to make us laugh.
I am enjoying each moment that daddy is here because each day is a different day and sometimes each hour. You see, when you ask me how daddy is I really cannot tell you. I can just tell you that daddy is still here.