2009-10-01 18:46:37 ET|
I left two days ago to visit my child who is my young adult with children of her own. I left with my other children being there for daddy. I left and daddy would not come with me because in his own mind he had too much to do. Too many responsibilities at home to take a trip.
Daddy called several times today. He called to tell me he loves me, he called to ask me if I knew how much money we have in our account, he called to ask me if grandma had ever had heart problems, he called to tell me he was going into town to pick some groceries up so he could make sure to have dinner ready for grandma. Daddy called because he misses me.
I fool myself because all seems so normal. Though you see, it is not. Daddy was a paramedic, a commander who knows his medical field. Grandma has lived with us for twelve years. Daddy knows grandma has heart problems, he knows she had an oblation a year ago because of an electrical problem in her heart. He knows, but he did not remember. Yet, when he called he seemed so on top of things this morning. Daddy went to buy groceries to fix dinner for grandma. Then, he bought himself a burger and forgot all about dinner for grandma.
I scream and it is a silent scream. This is alright, daddy knows who I am. I scream but no one hears because I cannot let the scream leave my throat. I scream because I see my children with tears in their eyes. I scream because when I kiss daddy and playfully touch him he laughs as though he is unsure as to what he should do. I scream because I do not know what is going to happen. I scream because I am afraid. I scream!