turboskanker 2023-07-23 00:08:40 ET why the everloving actual fuck is everyone and their mom in my internets feeds talking about seeing the damn barbie movie that i wouldn't have even known existed otherwise. we're 3 years out of the biggest global conjob - that killed and impoverished people nearly everywhere - arguably in human history, we've got dingbat sleepy joe letting the military industrial complex walk us all further towards WWIII with 2 nuclear armed powers, and americans are all "OMG DID YOU SEE THERE'S A BARBIE MOVIE NOW?!?!?" i've been told it apparently is "good" and has broad themes around "existentialism" to which i say the following: NO. i will not see this fucking movie. here are 3 other things i will not see, that came immediately to mind when hearing that barbie is apparently existentialist now: a. a film about the poop emoji but it’s a retelling of the buddha’s journey b. a movie about a furby who decides to become a revolutionary political activist and rid the world of nuclear weapons c. bladerunner 3 except instead of replicants they’re all beanie babies now. ... long story short, barbie ≠ existentialism and i couldn't care less how good it is. i'm not fucking watching it. FFS america. ...thank you for coming to my dissertation.

turboskanker 2023-07-23 00:13:21 ET barbie as a character in toy story, however, i'm ok with. ...but you don't make a full-on barbie movie what is this late stage capitalist hellscape we're living in.

cyb0rg 2023-08-01 17:30:20 ET Tamagotchis that go on hunger strikes

turboskanker 2023-08-01 17:50:43 ET this is what America™® needs. this is what will save us all.

cyb0rg 2023-08-01 18:03:53 ET The monopoly pieces organize and put Monopoly man into a guillotine or something

turboskanker 2023-08-01 18:06:42 ET that idea makes too much sense. what do you think this is, france?

cyb0rg 2023-08-01 18:10:47 ET a rubiks cube (that is rigged to explode when it is solved), is sent back in time to assassinate Czar Nicholas II but he cannot figure it out and so it is passed from tyrant to tyrant through the ages but unfortunately all these world leaders are too stupid or impatient to ever end up figuring it out

cyb0rg 2023-08-01 18:11:18 ET COMING SOON BY A24

turboskanker 2023-08-01 18:22:15 ET since i basically avoid like 99% of american movies made in the last 20 years i had to look up who A24 even was and now i know they're the hot dog fingers people. haven't seen that fucking move either, BTW, but the internet sure loves to tell me i should see it.

turboskanker 2023-08-01 18:26:16 ET how about a meta-movie where the movie "lenin the train" comes to life and massacres all the stupid bourgeois "artistic" movies and also hamilton the musical.

Return to turboskanker's page