Dramatic frills the stable cannot afford    2006-01-15 21:10:56 ET
So I have come to realize that every one was right. I have no direction, I have no stability. I am too manipulative. I have become too much like my father. Where do I go from here. Where can I start over. Can I start over? I miss the SC, I miss friends in Chicago, and most of all I miss Hanna. Every one I know is unfamiliar. Uncomfortable. Jamais Vu. It felt like I always had Santa Cruz to go home to but its the last place I would find comfort. Should I accept the invitation of love and comfort in Santa Cruz or stay here and keep looking for something that I may never find, that may not exist. Guhh I will just keep doing this. The Urban Backpacker is totally deck...right?

"the only excitement left in the world is the kind you can buy"
"the same laws that keep us safe condemn us to boredom"
"with out access to true chaos we will never have true peace"
"we are so structured and micromanaged, this isn't a world any more, its a damn cruise ship"
"secretly I'm a sensitive Christ like manifestation of perfect love"

God, Chuck Palahniuk is the worst.

     2005-12-01 13:27:52 ET
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'll tell you I get no respect.

 stay    2005-11-29 19:23:51 ET
"I was feeling down all day. Again I played with the drug. All I wanted her to do was stay. What I got was a pity hug."
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 Ch ch changes...    2005-11-29 15:52:03 ET
I was watching war of the worlds @ my parents today and left to go finish my laundry in the basement. For some reason I started crying so hard when I heard the dryer buzzer sound. Maybe it was the combination of the "family" plot and the memory of the sound of my new dryer in my former home in Santa Cruz. Its still hasn't sunk in that the house on Woods St. isn't my home any more. Santa Cruz isn't my home any more. Every thing is changing and I don't know how to deal with all of it..

Hanna is trying to scare me with a snake right now. I love her so much. I will miss her so, so much. I'm glad I have new friends here to support me. I know I'm going to need them come Christmas time.

 cunts.google.com    2005-11-01 04:45:18 ET
Ahhhh Rebeca!! So Rebeca was here this weekend and it was seriously the best time I have had in months. I really needed to get my mind off of stuff @ home. We took a bike tour of Chicago, ate allot, made love in public places, danced at a crazy loft party, made out with 165110 people, and laid around looking at each other. Having her here helped me think allot about my future with out Tate. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sweeping my feelings and issues under the rug but maybe thats ok. I can be irresponsible too once in a while. Any way it was nice to spend Halloween with Hanna. Even if I was half asleep the whole time.
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