oh this is a hard one...2006-01-26 15:53:31 ET

OK. I DO WANT TO GO TO OUT WEST IN ABOUT A YEAR OR 2, BUT I HAVE A DILEMMA.

HERES THE SITUATION:
I LIVE WITH MY DAD. WE JUST MISSED OUR MORGAGE PAYMENT, SO ITS EITHER $5,000.00 OR THE STREETS FOR US. NEITHER OF US HAVE A JOB AT THE MOMENT, AND NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON IN THIS TIME OF NEED. I KNOW IT CANT BE PAID SO BASICALLY, WE ALREADY DONT HAVE A HOUSE. HERES ALITTLE MORE ABOUT MY DAD, HE LOST HIS JOB BEFORE MY MOM LEFT HIM 2 YEARS AGO, HE DIDNT HAVE A JOB FOR A YEAR BEFORE THAT. HAS HAD MAYBE A FEW ODD JOBS IN BETWEEN, HASEN'T REALLY STUCK WITH ANYTHING. I HAD THE JOBS AND STUCK WITH THEM AND PAID FOR ALOT AROUND THE HOUSE.
NOW MY DADS GIRLFRIEND DIED IN DEC. AND I FEEL BAD ABOUT IT. AND HE KEEPS SAYING THINGS LIKE " WHEN YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR YOU ARE GONE FOR GOOD, I WILL WRITE YOU OFF COMPLETELY" REFERRING TO ME GOING WITH MY MOM. NOW SINCE SHE LEFT IF I DIDN'T DO THINGS THE WAY HE WANTED, OR GIVE HIM MONEY FOR BOOZE OR GAS, HE WOULD THROW A FIT LIKE A 3 YEAR OLD..AND COME OF WITH SHIT LIKE " GO LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER" OR " JUST FUCKIN LEAVE"
MY MOM IS THE ONLY PERSON I HAVE AS A FORM OF SUPPORT RIGHT NOW IN THIS ROUGH PATCH OF LIFE I'M GOING THROUGH. IN MARCH SHE IS MOVING TO SOUTH CAROLINA, WHICH MEANS I WONT HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM ANYMORE.

NOW ITS MY DAD AND I LOVE HIM DEARLY, BUT I DONT WANT TO BE WRITTEN OFF FROM HIS LIFE FOR GOOD, AND I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HIM TO STRUGGLE. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT I NEED TO DO FOR ME NOW..AND TRY TO MAKE MY LIFE SOMETHING.
I'M JUST NOT SURE THOUGH...

HERES MY OPTIONS:
1.) I CAN STAY HERE WITH MY DAD AND BE HOMELESS AND STRUGLE, MAYBE GO DOWN WITH HIM. HE'LL TAKE ALL MY MONEY, AND I'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE CINEMA MAKE-UP SCHOOL IN L.A. LIKE I WANT TO.
OR
2.) I CAN PICK UP EVERYTHING HERE AND GO TO SOUTH CAROLINA WITH MY MOM AND BROTHER IN MARCH. GET A GOOD JOB, HAVE SOMEWHERE TO LIVE, GET SOME WHEELS, SAVE UP MONEY, LIVE ON THE BEACH, AND EVENTUALLY GET TO GO TO THE SCHOOL IN L.A. LIKE I WANT TO.

ANY ADVICE???? PLEASE.. ANYONE.. I'M STUCK RIGHT NOW...
8 comments

hello..2006-01-07 23:01:32 ET

hey...if you have myspace...go ahead and add me if you'd like...

http://www.myspace.com/_gutterqueen_

My new years...2006-01-02 12:37:05 ET

LETS JUST SAY IT COULD'VE WENT BETTER THAN IT DID. BUT IT WAS ALRIGHT.. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES..

EVERYONE WHO ATTENDED THE PARTY AT BILLS


ME AND MY TWO "DAUGHTERS"...KT AND HEATHER..


AND THIS IS A PICTURE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE BUT ITS OF WHITLEY ME KT HEATHER AND CAREY

the best gift of all...2005-12-26 07:26:34 ET

YEA...LAST NIGHT WAS SPENT IN THE E.R. I GOT SLICED AND DICED, POKED AND PRODDED.. THEY BELIEVE I HAVE STAPH INFECTION IN MY LEG...OH JOY. IT WAS A WIERD EXPERIENCE....INSTEAD OF SCREAMING IN PAIN..I WAS CRYING BUT THE SOUNDS YOU MAKE WHEN YOU CRY WAS REPLACED WITH ME LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. THE DOCTOR PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS ON DRUGS, WHICH AT THAT POINT IN TIME...I WISHED I WERE. HE SHOVED THESE LITTLE SISSORS IN MY LEG....ABOUT A 1/2 INCH IN MY LEG...AND WOULD OPEN AND CUT AND POKE AND POKE AND CUT AND POKE AND CUT.......SARA WAS WITH ME...AND I THINK THE MOST VIVID MEMORY SHE WILL HAVE OF THAT NIGHT IS WHEN HE STARTED WITH THE POKEY THINGY..AND I LOOK AT HER...BITING MY HOODIE IN PAIN..WITH THE MOST HORRIFIED LOOK EVER...REACHING OUT TO HER...SWINGING MY HAND REAL FAST. OTHER THEN THAT I THINK I TOOK IT LIKE A TROOPER..I DIDN'T SCREAM...AND I WASEN'T BAWLING...I WAS LAUGHING TEARFULLY AND CRACKIN JOKES ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON. I TOLD THE DOCTOR THAT ALL THAT TORTURE WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT ALL DAY.



BEFORE THE E.R. I SPENT TIME AT MY G-MA AND PAPS.....MY G-MA AND I ARGUED ABOUT RELIGION. THEN I WENT HOME AND ATE AGAIN...TRIED TO TAKE A NAP AND THEN MADE DAD TAKE ME TO THE E.R.

I PURPOSLY WAIT UNTIL AFTER ALL THE X-MAS FESTIVITIES TO GO AND GET THIS THING TAKEN CARE OF..TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I LET IT GO 3 DAYS LONGER THAN I SHOULD'VE...

NOTE TO SELF....STOP BEING SO STUBBORN...AND GO TO THE HOSPITAL AT 1ST SIGHT OF TOUBLE.....CAUSE NEXT TIME YOU MIGHT LOSE A LIMB....



I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY...I KNOW MINE WILL BE WELL REMEMBERED.

nostalgia kicks in..2005-11-27 15:55:38 ET

I'M IN A PRETTY CRAPPY MOOD RIGHT NOW. I'VE BEEN VERY NOSTALGIC TODAY. I MISS THE SUMMER...REALLY BAD. SO MANY GOOD TIMES. AND ITS NOT JUST SUMMER I MISS. JUST ....PAST STUFF IN GENERAL. GOOD MEMORIES WITH SPECIAL PEOPLE. PEOPLE THAT LEFT AN IMPRINT ON MY HEART. ONE IN PARTICULAR...

JOHN FERREE....IT WILL BE 5 YEARS TOMORROW SINCE HE DIED.. AND IT JUST HIT ME WHEN ALITTLE BIT AGO WHEN I WAS MOVING THE MILK OUT OF MY WAY IN THE FRIDGE AND I REALIZED THE EXPIRATION DATE ON IT...NOV. 28.......I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS BEEN 5 YEARS...DOENS'T SEEM THAT LONG AGO. I HAVE NO WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO HIS GRAVE TOMORROW...MAYBE I DO.

ITS CRAZY...THE WAY PEOPLE IMPACT YOUR LIFE..EVEN AFTER THEY ARE GONE..

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