Updates and Updates and Downdates and more Updates    2006-01-05 06:18:37 ET
It's the new year by a bunch. Many things are happening, good and bad, which is, essentially, like saying "oh, look, daily life, only now there's an '06 on the end and not an '05. Joy."

Mom's death? Still coming up every day. Boyfriend? Fabulous, in the way that only Claw can be. Friends? Getting there, though I haven't seen half the people I want to see.

Depression monster gnaws my soul every day lately. Daylight hours suck. The ball of fire burns us. Need to get the hell out of this concrete haze and find me some open space; thank god I'm at Claw's this weekend.

In other news, plantain chips are the bomb, and should be worshipped accordingly.

We now go back to our regularly scheduled warlock quests. Succubusssss....

Friends: If you want to reach me, email is seriously the way to go

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!    2005-12-31 12:20:42 ET
Hey folksie...the hair has been re-dyed red and black, the great start to a new year, and I had one of the best days of my life yesterday. Not a bad start, and I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful boyfriend and some great friends (online and off) to make things even better.

So, with all that said, Happy New Year!

May this coming year be 10x better than the one that's passing.

<3 <3 <3 <3

 DAMN!    2005-12-28 22:22:46 ET
Damn damn damn damn damn damn DAMN!

Is there a REASON that I can't get a single bloody New Year's to work out how I want it to? Last year was the New Year's Angst Attack with the not-quite-boyfriend, and this year it's getting a call from the Ex HALFWAY THROUGH THE WEEK (Ish.) that he can't take the baby this weekend because Kate's not giving him Jack, so why mess it up and blah blah blah...

All this means, once again, that my significant other and I can't go out on New Year's, and may not even be together, and that sucks so very muchly that I can't even begin to tell you how annoyed and generally grumbly I am right now.

All I can do is rant, ineffectually, and cry like a 2 year old kid because the depression monster is eating me.

Curse you, lack of sunlight. T_T

 No Note, No Hollow Points, No Problem.    2005-12-27 20:42:29 ET
Okay, so it's the 27th. I have, in fact, been slacking off on my journal entries, partially due to stress, and partially due to the fact that I have been going mad trying to get everyone's Christmas gifts ready and finishing up Claw's massive poetry/photo/artwork book. (Which I got done, thanks to not sleeping the night before Christmas Eve..mwa ha ha ha!)

Overall, everything was...well, lovely. I had one of the best Christmases ever, even though there were lots of reasons for it to be a melancholy event. Claw's parents--who are two of the sweetest people in the world--invited me over for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, and it was outstanding: his mother fed me, and made banana bread with no walnuts (my favorite <3, tasted just like my mother's) and for no apparent reason we didn't sleep much...at 2am we were still sitting up, Claw, his mother, and I, joking around and chatting in the kitchen.

It was so much like times with Mom...it felt perfect, and for a little while I could forget everything and just have fun. On Christmas morning, we all woke up and came out, and...

...his mother made me a stocking. With an orange in the toe. My first Christmas with no stocking of my own, and she made one for me.

So...yes. I cried a bit, because we know I try not to cry, and so I had to stem the tears. But it was such a sweet, welcoming place, and I felt so at home and so loved that I was finally able to get comfortable.

In the meantime, Sophia was at her Daddy's, which she adored, and she came home with an incredibly cool castle that's now in her room--4'x4'. Dear lord. Nonetheless, it's pretty darn awesome, and makes a good place for her to hide when she wants to be alone.

Later on on Christmas night, the cemetary angel left his family and came to join ours, and we had a similarly jolly (if much less well-behaved) Christmas over here, with the sibling and Youji and Jessy and all. There was much playing of Rez and laughing at horrible jokes, as well as an unfortunately hearty dose of prank playing (Chibi wrapped my gift in a tampon box! T_T) I think it was fun, though poor Claw's never been with us for a holiday and so he was unused to how things can get when a majority of the people there are young. He's an only child and an introvert, and so adjusting to the extended family typical of our gatherings was probably different, but he did wonderfully and came out relatively unscathed.

There was other weirdness, as well...much of it from my own issues from Mom and the loss of Shannon and a few others--2005 has had so much death in it I will be more than glad to see it end. There will be a great toast this new year, in hopes that things will only be able to get better, and hopefully Claw will be by my side for that as well.

My (unrealistic) New Year's Resolution: This year I will save everyone that needs saving, do everything that needs doing, make my boyfriend as happy with me as he can be, be a fantastic mother, and pass all my classes with ease.

We're shooting for 3 out of 5.

Also: 3 A's and a B this semester...broke my straight-A streak, but still good. :-D

 w00t, Xmas    2005-12-24 20:30:00 ET

So, yes, the Solstice dealie. The weirdest solstice dreams ever, indeed. I mean seriously, the likes of Joseph.

I dreamt of a city that was light and dark at the same time, that was running like a moebius strip--all one sided, but two sided. I dreamed of Janus, the god of doors. I dreamt that my mother was alive and dead, here for one more day but aware of her impending passing.

I dreamt that Janus told me to choose one of two doors, light or dark, and I could not, because I didn't know what door would leave me alone.

I dreamt of the death and rebirth of a thousand thousand cities, all at once.

There were no fat cows and thin cows, but I know it did mean something, this cavalcade of insanity.

I chose the light door, to the best of my knowledge; tonight I'm here with Claw, spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day with him--together, blessed, amused, and loved...even if I did beat them in Upwords.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Blessed Yule, and Jolly Kwanzaa. If I missed any holidays...I'll get to it.

Sleep well, my friends.

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