Watchit. Angst Alert.    2005-12-20 02:37:30 ET

Today was the beginning of everything awful. Not now, but one year ago, all of my work, my music, my photos, my life, was stolen, when my house was burglarized.

It was also the first time my mother really seemed scared. It was the last day she felt safe. It was the first day she cried to me about cancer. It was the day we watched her begin to die because there was nowhere sacred anymore and she just wanted to leave the whole place, to run.

I convinced her to stay. Hooray for me.

This night has become sort of a tombstone, for me. After tonight, my mother will begin getting sicker and sicker. She will barely laugh after this. She will always be afraid.

And tonight,I can't sleep. I'm inexplicably scared and childish again, afraid to be alone in my bed, so I just. won't. sleep.

Instead, I am sitting up and chatting with random, kind people, who I am getting to know frighteningly well in 4 hours, and pretending that I am not avoiding the bed behind me, and that tomorrow night is not going to suck.

I. Hate. This. Season. Or rather, I hate all the drama that's now living in it thanks to the last year of my life. I wish I could just not be sad, that I wasn't such a damned burden on everyone with my sadness. Instead, I am desperately seeking a connection with someone--anyone--at 6am, in order to not feel so alone. I miss arms around me...I miss living with someone, being able to just poke them until they waken, then weep at them till I get held.

And dammit, I miss my boyfriend. But you know what, he does so much for me all the time, and his family miss him, and at some point he'll get tired of me asking for him to be around because he gets frustrated with things quickly, even if they're important. And I,therefore, won't ask. I've been too high-maintenance as it is, whether that's my fault or not.

I wish, I really wish, that he'd want to come see ME. It gets...sad...having to ask all the time. I begin to feel unwanted for things other than...y'know. Bedtime companionship. And since he can do that when he wants and be satisfied without me there (whereas I suck at that, how's that for TMI?) he doesn't really need to ask me, seeing as he has hands.

Out of the two of us, I am definitely the one who needs more interaction. Trouble is, I have no idea how to ask, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't know how to cope with it. He did wonderfully for, like, a day, the last time I asked him about it. I'm just not the type of person who can store it up in bursts, at least not this early in a relationship. I've prevailed on tons of friends (mine AND his) for a solution, and they all say: "tell him to call you everyday. Tell him you miss him, and this is how you are, and that you'll compromise on other things for him."

Easy for them to say, THEY won't lose him simply because the situation looks daunting to him. I will.


It's a pathetic lump I am this evening, yes. And tomorrow...well, today...there shall be shopping perpetrated, which I also dislike, but which must be done, because I want the people I love in the world to smile for me.

Argle bargle, what the hell is the matter with the universe? Someone hit the damn thing and make it run right, please.


 O.O I Almost Forgot! O.O    2005-12-19 01:11:17 ET
I got a MONKEY!

His name, unfortunately for him, is Esau. It wasn't going to be--the name started as a joke ("Look! Issa monkey!" issa=esau... ^ ^;;) but then I woke up this morning, went to put him in my duffel bag, and found myself checking him off my list of things to remember.

Toothbrush? Check. Shirt? Check. Esau? Check...damn.

Yeah, apparently the name stuck. He's just so darn cute! <3 <3 <3

I haven't gotten a stuffed toy as a gift in ages, and he's the softest, snuggliest little guy ever, and I love love love him!

phweeeee, I'm five years old, and I don't care one bit, cuz i have a MONKEYYY!

(thank you, my beautiful Casey Jones.)

 Things I am Doing That Are Not My Finals:    2005-12-12 05:16:02 ET
1.) Deciding on a costume for ACen this year. I have an offer from a friend from Gaia in Thailand to make me a Freya (Chobits) costume that's pretty damn sexy, and that I've been assured I can pull off (thanks Hikaru <3). This means getting the extra-long white wig and begging a set of Chobit ears off of Jessalyn, but Freya would be fun to Cosplay, and I can dress the wee one up as a laptop-size Persocom, so it could be faboo. If we can get Claw to come with, we'll be set. Anyone else willing to come with and Cosplay, giggle at me, giggle at the people WAY SCARIER than me, or otherwise just be silly is welcome and encouraged. (Note: Yes, this is geeky. A-DUH.)

2.) Looking at new BB guns. It's a toss-up between three right now: the AK-47, which is a fun gun but not necessarily what I'm looking for; the M16-A4, which is a high-powered sniper rifle with 65 round capacity and a decent turn of distance and speed; and the INCREDIBLY sexy full-auto airsoft, which I have had the great joy of seeing in action. 220 fps, 400 round capacity, battery powered. It's a heavy-duty toy,and worth the money, but it goes through bb's pretty damn quick and will do some serious damage when filled with paint-shot, so much so that I would probably hesitate before bringing it to one of the games....probably. Unless Shem is playing, in which case I'll aim for your ass again. (^.^<3)

3.) Talking to D-Bag for the 1st time (an hour? Ish?) about the joys of interpersonal relationships, kitchens, parties, and stupid girls who need to be beaten and shanked. This lasted only a short time due to the wonderful distraction that was...

4.) Casey Jones! <3 <3 <3 *ahem* Yes...well. Got to talk, and be open, and he called me to say goodnight without any prompting which was the bestest thing in the world and he made my day because I am, apparently, a puppy-dog. Or so I'm told...since apparently I follow him around and dote on him and think he's fabulous. (how odd...thinking the man I love is fabulous. What on EARTH is wrong with me? I should stop, I'm told.)

You know what though? Screw the lot of them. He can scratch me behind the ears anytime.
^ ^;;

5.) Sooo...yes. The last thing before I got to work on the damn paper was...D-Bag! Again! Because we wuv him so much, yes we do. <3

...well, okay, we do when he's not mentioning Mica, pocket pussies, ice cream, Janis Joplin, or chow mein.

Dear lord, the chow mein...

I shall never, ever look at Chinese food the same way again, and have probably picked up the propensity to giggle at chopsticks for ever and ever.


Also: went to a party night before last, and was awkward but fun. Drank a teensy bit, smoked a clove (which I regret...*coughhackgag*), hid out in the kitchen, made friends with Ange and William and a pirate who kept being Jack Sparrow at me. Met an old Flame of Claw's, lived through it with aplomb. All in all, I win.

Five Days and counting until the semester from hell is over. Finally.

 Big Honkin' Update    2005-12-06 22:52:00 ET
Oi oi...what a crazy weekend. Ostensibly, I was supposed to be working this weekend--I had work to do, and still do now, but I am fucking exhausted--the stress of the week finally caught up with me, and the grand finale of Sophia's needing a hospital jaunt on Thursday night just did me in, leaving me totally drained.

So, to make up for this, I did nothing. Mwa ha ha ha...go me.

Friday was spent shopping, cleaning my house, and picking up my pretty new sharps, which are lovely lovely things. Other than that, I mostly played World of Warcraft and dreamed of getting to see the lovely boy that haunts most of my waking hours as well. Played with Sophia a bunch.

Saturday Sophie went to daddy's...he picked her up at about 3pm, and I headed out to meet up with the Cartoonist for a snack, which didn't do all that well, food apparently being the bane of my existence, even when it includes strawberry jam. It was good to see him again, even though thanks to the miracle of the Devon bus it took me forever to get anywhere. Also, today was the first day I tried wearing a head scarf, which is a compromise between me and my neighbors in an attempt to get them to, essentially, bugger off and leave me alone. Fortunately it keeps my ears warm, too, so I don't feel too weird caving like that. After snacktime, I headed up to school and over to Warehouse to chat about wine for a little bit. I keep hoping that fabulous Spanish stuff will show up again, but no dice.

Gave up on getting flirted with and tortured there (Gabe is the master of poking and prodding until I spar with him, and Scott just laughs at me), since things are still semi-weird from Scott kissing me, even though that was ages ago...I just tend to keep my distance, and that seems to have changed things. I headed out just in time to see the Grant-dubbed "Bitchin' Camaro" roll up with the most beautiful man in the world inside, and got to get in the nice warm car and go to Claw's house, which I enjoy far too much apparently. I always look forward to dinner with his family...makes my family life feel a little less fractured, and his dad is possibly one of the funnier people alive.

I also broke one of my own rules and went on a date to an actual MOVIE...we saw "Walk the Line," which was out-freaking-standing, and reminded me of all the reasons I love Johnny Cash. Yes, I am a lousy goth. I know. At least he wears black, okay? Anyway, had a beautiful night, and stayed at Claw's, and made a run to Meijer that didn't result in anything with a sexual innuendo-name of any sort.

Slept in the safety of his aura...pure bliss...<3

Sunday was...hectic. And not so good. And shall remain undiscussed, with the exception of the fact that Claw once again proved himself to be a wonderfully protective, caring boyfriend, and made me love him even more.

Pretty sure I will run out of heart and soul space before he stops impressing me...but yes. Enough sappy stuff.


 Hectic Week    2005-12-03 03:16:10 ET
Well, I finally crashed early this morning, so no more conversations with Willem...well, not that I'll post, anyway. In other news, World of Warcraft owns my soul, and I finally got around to uploading the pictures I took when I went Christmas shopping, as well as all the ones we'd been ignoring before that on the same memory card.While going through these, not only did I find an ultra-cute one of the boyfriend (which is now posted here) I also found a pic I took of a fish in a weird fish-bowl thing. It was so sad when I took it, because he just looked like he wanted to come out to play.

When I finally uploaded it today and got to see it closer up, as my zoom lens had captured it, he was actually making a little sad fishie face!

Now I feel guilty for not rescuing him...T_T

Maybe we should go liberate him?

I've posted it in a new album. Free fishies forever!


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