all work and no play makes antony    2005-04-21 11:00:00 ET
in the past couple weeks nothing interesting really have me bedridden the next morning. For that I am disappointed at myself, sad, etc..

My friend came back from Florence yesterday night. Already, she's on a hunt for an apartment to live in, then immediately a job. She's so lucky to have extremely gifted talents with digital media, making her a very employable person who's guaranteed to get a decent job within weeks. Makes me jealous.

In the past couple weeks the topics of "casual" relationships. I am really confused at its working, and I am very curious about it. Main question is, how come my friends can easily land casual relationships during their neverending search for a soulmate, but it's the other way around for me?

I've been quite a virgin physically and mentally until almost approaching age 18. Since then I've never had an actual break from men. I'd say my feet has always been "one in the last boat, the other on board of the next". I would say my mind was never set on staying after the night. But everytime I have a casual endeavor it ends up with me having a boyfriend. They were ex's for a good reason, but during the casual relationships they were always nice men.

I would say it probably is because I am becoming more and more aware, more and more picky about men, that I have approached this lifestyle where I cannot imagine myself with an idiot or a creep anymore. So the men I stick to must be somewhat nice enough that makes them worth stickin' about. But why do I always start with casual relationships one night and wake up next week with a full-blown relationship? Why are men I attract so fidel?

I made sure I don't meet fidel men anymore by sleeping with a man who was known to be a slut, as a toast to the end of my last "embrasive" relationship. One week later, I'm on a lock down, despite it's titled a "open relationship". I was hoping that he'll find someone else at the same time too, so we can be great friends still whilst the "dating jungle" welcome us both. But now I feel like I can't sleep with other men anymore even though he gives me a thumbs up to the actions previously. Then lately I found out he's been more devoted than I have ever been to him.

It's not that I am not happy, but putting the sweet adorable man I have with me on a sideplate, friends do not see me stablizing (at least definately not yet), and neither do I. It's a decision I'll eventually make that I'll snap at, and deep down I know I am insecure and I don't want to ruin a great relationship, but the day is still bright and the child still wants to play outside.

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