2002-08-13 14:17:20 ET|
someone i loved said, in a song
"where were you when i wanted to be by myself you were at my side "
i should have stayed away.
i never know when to stay or go i never know what is right. when its time. i give up so easily and settle, and never let myself feel what its like to lose something i really wanted. never let myself hit that wall, always pad it with friends, with drugs, with alcohol, with a lover. if i hit that wall after you left it could have killed me but that very impact could have been the one that will saved me from a life left unlived. i never let myself hit that wall, so i live in the aftermath of nothing at all.
i have chosen company over quality, and i am paying the price. every decision i have made has fallen away moment by moment from what we could have had. how can i expect someone to blow me away when i disappoint myself. i have an ideal for myself, i have an ideal for what i want in a person... but until i live up to my own i have no right to seek out my ideals in someone else...
"you make me want to be a better person."
the most meaningful words i think i have ever said...
but words cant put across the loss that i have faced (and turned away from) you taught me everything i needed to know to forget about you, and the only price i have to pay is in hangovers and memory lapses. good. i hope the good ones go first, then maybe what happened months ago will hurt less.
you anger me because you live closer to my ideal than i have ever been.
<music: 242.up evil>