in these ruins its hard to see
2002-08-13 14:17:20 ET

someone i loved said, in a song

"where were you when i wanted to be by myself you were at my side "

i should have stayed away.

i never know when to stay or go i never know what is right. when its time. i give up so easily and settle, and never let myself feel what its like to lose something i really wanted. never let myself hit that wall, always pad it with friends, with drugs, with alcohol, with a lover. if i hit that wall after you left it could have killed me but that very impact could have been the one that will saved me from a life left unlived. i never let myself hit that wall, so i live in the aftermath of nothing at all.

i have chosen company over quality, and i am paying the price. every decision i have made has fallen away moment by moment from what we could have had. how can i expect someone to blow me away when i disappoint myself. i have an ideal for myself, i have an ideal for what i want in a person... but until i live up to my own i have no right to seek out my ideals in someone else...

"you make me want to be a better person."
the most meaningful words i think i have ever said...

but words cant put across the loss that i have faced (and turned away from) you taught me everything i needed to know to forget about you, and the only price i have to pay is in hangovers and memory lapses. good. i hope the good ones go first, then maybe what happened months ago will hurt less.

you anger me because you live closer to my ideal than i have ever been.

<music: 242.up evil>

2002-08-13 14:20:42 ET


2002-08-13 14:31:59 ET

wow.. thats very "deep" its wow. life is experience, and its not always the experience that counts but how you deal with things and what you learn from mistakes. i don't know. my friend ryan is good to talk to about fucked up things.

2002-08-13 14:37:32 ET

the mistake i wrote above, making it wasnt the problem, it was not letting myself feel the ramifications of it, not fully understand the meaning because i was too busy distracting myself

2002-08-13 14:40:11 ET

that isn't the best way to deal with things, but i am guilty of distracting myself.. but the main thing is to know that whatever you do you will eventually feel the ramifications of it. thats life.

2002-08-13 14:50:09 ET

distractions have their purpose at times...but you should realize what the reality of things are even if they are only in reflection... it's hard to look at yourself sometimes...i try to walk around acting like a mirror at times.
lorraine...i think you kick ass...
...i know it hurts sometimes to reflect upon ourselves...
our inner demons are far worse then the ones we can see

2002-08-13 14:53:05 ET

no one is really perfect. and the feelings we fight within ourselves are always dark and scary and dealing with them can be a pain in the ass. but the worst thing you can do is bury them deep down inside, because one day they will come back and kick you in the ass. its hard to see who we really are. but in other ways it could be easy..

2002-08-13 15:00:38 ET

well its all about discipline weighing ounces and regret weighing tons. the problem is that i'm too caught up in my own patterns to be able to tell when im fucking something up until too late

2002-08-13 15:01:30 ET

then step out of your pattern? it's a matter of your own will to power...

2002-08-13 15:22:20 ET

hey stop that nietzsche

2002-08-13 15:23:20 ET

"you down with f. nietzsche? yeah you know me!"
hehe :-P

2002-08-13 15:26:58 ET

I have every faith that someone as intelligent and thoughtfull as yourself has the ability to break free of this pattern! I have found myself in filling voids with lovers in the past, feeling at a total loss as to how to fix what I deemed broken...questioning too deeply wheather or not what I was looking at was so much broken or if it was myself...getting so lost at looking at the pattern I could no longer see the basic truths. When you try to break any pattern that makes you unhappy just remember not to look at it so much that you cannot move to make the changes needed. Make it simple, because despite my own obsessive compulsive thought patterning I realize I add the complication factor. Life does not present it. I got tired of all the feelings of confusion and guilt in trying to begin relationships with people and realizing half way through the starting process that I had moved to quickly out of the desire to love and be loved. Ultimately not leaving the foundation needed and feeling as though it was too late because the house was already built. put an end to all of this I stoped dating. I've been single for 7 months...I sometimes get lonely...but I don't have the headache to deal with.

2002-08-15 02:32:28 ET

"the mistake i wrote above, making it wasnt the problem, it was not letting myself feel the ramifications of it, not fully understand the meaning because i was too busy distracting myself"

Thanks for opening my eyes. Parallel patterns have we.

2002-08-15 14:49:34 ET

Yeah that line reverberates in my head for a few reasons as well...
Man, we gotta build that time/space bendy machine so we can all get together for a beer/soda/glass o' wine.

-The Joker

2002-08-22 13:15:27 ET

that would be awesome

2002-08-22 13:15:36 ET

where the hell are you guys anyway

2002-08-22 13:47:18 ET

We're in California. Long, long way from the Concrete Jungle.

2002-08-22 14:34:52 ET

Well, I'm going to be heading out to visit you NY sk-ers probably in six months from now....maybe I'll be rich enough to take the guys too, or they will be!:)

2002-08-23 05:42:21 ET

I'm in Ontario.

2002-08-24 15:05:21 ET

that would be hot. dj damnit is already doing so next month... you always have tour guides in ny if needed.. ive always maintained that what 'the scene' as it were lacks is a tribal sense of unity... we should be more like the freemasons (theyre evil!)because theres a network to fall back on.. insomnia mentioned something like us going to cali b/c her family is from there but we dont have the money right now...

2002-08-24 15:11:14 ET

i'd love to go to cali and fuck up the left coast! :-P

2002-08-24 15:39:13 ET

DBD:Woohoo....well thankyou! I really think "the scene" could use a tribal sense of unity as well! I wish everyone would stop trying to best everyone else and just freakin ebrace already!! Seems like the only time this happens is on the dance floor...move off of it and people start picking one another apart. For a sceen that dictates(in music lyrics, over and over again) unity and anti war sentiments everyone continues to wage war on one another. Humans act within subkultures much as they do within the structure of religion. One of us (if not you guys I will all though I'd love your input and assitance) create a web site that is built in attempts to assert this mentality.

If you guys do head out this way you are welcome to my hospitality, and use as a tour guide. Although since she claims to be biased against short people I don't know if she would dig me. I'm merely 5'4" in stature.:P

2002-08-24 15:41:49 ET

Furax:LOL...silly! With that being the case I don't know if I will kidnap you after all!:P :D

2002-08-24 15:46:54 ET

i was just talking about the dance floor! hehe :-P

2002-08-25 11:46:22 ET

he's dangerous you should watch out =P

2002-08-25 12:44:15 ET

I'm all for networking. Computers as well as humans. Seriously. I like it. we could have The SK secret society. Badass.

Sidenote: The new Primal Scream (Evil Heat) rules.

2002-08-25 14:39:36 ET

Furax:Well, if the dancefloor is the arena of which you speak my friend you will definately find me a challenge to match. *raises eyebrow*:P

DBD: Well see about that!:P

Finn:I vote for secret society also!:) I know that posting a site on the web would not make it truly secret per say but I think it would be nice to devote a web space specifically for the purpose of networking people that are alike in mind in destroying society structures which are non-bennificial to human kind in positive ways. Would you be interested?

2002-08-25 15:57:04 ET

i know i would be interested. like the secret winks the fight club people gave each other at their day jobs... if you were in fight club, you just knew...

2002-08-25 16:06:18 ET

Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!*winks*:P

2002-08-25 22:10:37 ET

Me too. ::Winkwink:: And the new Primal Scream still owns my boo-tay.

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