2004-05-24 20:54:32 ET

so some excellent news was brought to my attention last

thursday when i found out from my friend alex that i got

into middle college. uhh im so happy i dont have to be at

the fuckin prison called high school. i can acctually be

with civilized people who acctually want to talk about

something interesting other than whos wearing the lasted

fad. such bullshit uhh i hate high school. but aside from

that i think that i might be getting off of being grounded

hella soon even before schools out and im gonna be getting

100 beans from my moms b/f for washing his motorcycle so

thats cool shit. i can finally get my ticket for BFD there

really arient very good bands this year but i want to go

anyways to see the Violent Fems cause there fuckin awesome

and it would be a nice little treat to do something fun

the day after school gets out and another good thing my

friend rosa is now talking to me again after i think about

a month and a half of not speaking because of some

bullshit drama but so thats chill and i cant wait for

school to get out


grounded yet again
2004-05-16 13:36:40 ET

WOW!!! being ground sucks fat balls. its been 4 months

since the last time i was grounded and now that i am

grounded again uhh it sucks my karma is coming to bite me

in the ass i guess this is what i get for drinking and

making an ass of myself shit i dont even know how long

this ones gonna last probobly not as long as when i got

caught with contraband but i dunno im acctually happy that

i did get in trouble because this really opened my eyes to

the fact that wow i have a serious problem with boozeing..

i mean its so bad that pretty much ever time that i do

booze i black out or i just end up making an ass out of

myself but i dunno maybe sobriety will help me to get

motivated more in school even though ihave like 3 weeks

left and it'll get my fat ass up and look for a fuckin job

oh yeah but i guess some good shits gonna come out of this

my moms gonna finally let me get my license since i told

her that i would go to AA meetings and get help for my

drinking problem whos knows if i can kick the habit of

drinking maybe ill even kick cigarettes next and then pot

and then even hoeing it whos knows what else i can quit


Dear Mom
2004-05-14 14:38:26 ET

Dear Mom,

As you may have heard I died today in a drunk driving

accident. As sudden as this happened, their were a million

things that I would have loved to have told you. I was

always looking for the right time to tell you these things

and I'm truly sorry that it had to be this time to tell

you. I don't even know where to begin. Mom don't think that

this is your fault. Don't spend the rest of your life

blaming yourself for what happened to me. Please don't

think that in any way this makes you a bad parent. You're

not a bad parent, if anything im a bad child because I have

put you through so much. The things that I have dont to

you, Mom I am not proud of. I know I've told you time and

time again that I hate you or that you're a horriable

parent, Mama you know I never meant any to that. Your one

if not the greatest person I have ever known. You've always

been there for me when I needed you. I will tell you, that

you haven't always listened to me or understood me but I

think that you've had a good idea of who I was. You know

Mom I think you know me better than some of my own friends

do. I haven't ever told you half the things that I've done,

but for some reason you always find out with out me having

to tell you. I'm not exactly going to name the times that

these cases have happened. But their have been times when I

wanted to talk to you and tell you something and I guess

maybe you could just feel that I had something to say. You

would joke about it with me and even though I never said

any of it was true, you knew. You're the reason why I am

such a strong person. You made me see the world and

understand what goes on. Mama I never told you enough but I

love you with all my heart. Your one of the best friends I

have ever had. I'm going to miss how I could talk to you

about almost anything. Most girls can't have the

relationship we have had, the closeness. I hope that you

never forget that. Don't be sad for me Mama. Life was an

adventure, and now that I'm not living I'm on my way to

have another in the after life. One day we will be together

again and we can start a new adventure together, as we have

with so many others. When you think of me, just think that

I'm on a long trip and that one day we shall meet again. I

love you and will be waiting to see you again.

Love, Amy

Dont drink and drive
2004-05-14 14:26:18 ET

today was the end of my two day program called Every 15

Minutes. Every 15 Minutes a person is killed in an alcohol-

related traffic collision in the United States. this

program was to show kids at my school the effects of

drinking and driving now i wasnt acctually one of those

kids that was in the car crash because i was already

suppose to be dead before the kids in the crash died at

first i wasnt very emotional cause im not a very emotional

person to begin with and since i knew that this was all

fake i was just like oh yeah i know this can happen but

whatever and while everyone else was balling their eyes out

i just kind of sat there even at the retreit everyone was

still getting very emotional but for some reason i still

didnt cry but today after the funeral at school when i saw

my mom walk towards me and she was crying and she said if

this ever happened to you i dont know what i would do. she

told me about how the night before on officer called my mom

at work and she forgot about the 15 min program and she

acctually thought that they were calling her about my

brother because he gets in trouble with the law often but

when they told her that i was killed in a drunk driving

accident my mom was stunned at first and then she realized

that this was part of the program but she still didnt know

what to say when she told me this i couldnt help but let go

and just cry and when i got home and read her the letter

telling her that i was dead (which i will put in my next

journal entry) we both started crying because i do have a

horriable drinking problem and this whole program made me

think that you know with the way that im going this could

happen to me and im suprised that it hasnt already..

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