2004-04-12 10:25:26 ET|
okay, more of the usual. have i mentioned lately how utterly sick of my life i am at this moment? oh, i have? well it bears repeating.
i really think i've spread myself too thin this time around. i've got more schoolwork than i'll probably physically be able to complete in a month, i've got a program to conduct each week at work from now till the end of the semester plus i've got the burlesque show which is ever-so-unconveniently happening the weekend after my final exams. how the hell am i going to make time for all this? not to mention that i don't actually have the motivation to even start, nonetheless complete, all this. and then there's the apathy, the i'm-so-over-this-so-fuck-it-ness that's always there to add to my self loathing.
i just need these next four weeks to be over and this weight on my shoulders to disappear and to do this show and have it be a total success or not but whatever it will be done and over with and so will everything else and i can stop stressing out so much and tearing at my hair and hating myself and wishing i weren't me, just for five minutes. of course that won't really happen because as soon as school lets out i'll be faced with the "oh shit, i don't have a job, how am i going to pay bills or afford to eat?!?!" dilemma. i'm so broke now because of those unexpected car problems that i'm having a hard time figuring out how to pay my expenses even with a job. so without the job will certainly suck mightily.
blahblahblah, woe is me, whatever. i'm really not feeling that much self pity or anything. i'm mostly pissed at myself. i should be handling this better or something. i'm just not feeling it. life, that is.