below the surface    2002-08-24 15:40:38 ET
i have a question: it is more powerful to speak in metaphor, and vaguely, or using cutting specifics? i speak of poetry, lyrics, and prose here. most of the people who touch me deep enough to write about them can read my words and have *no idea* of what they mean. is this because of their own ignorance? or because i hide myself behind so many veils as to be a ghost? i like to use details that only one person would understand...

ah fuck time running out... just curious though... do you think metaphor or specifics are more powerful?

 the nature of resistance (written feb/mar '02)    2002-08-22 13:13:20 ET
i am pressed for something to say
(i cannot say it here )
it is your eyes that bother me; it is your mind i fear.

i was searching for an answer
but the ones i know are wrong.
(why cant you let me lie down in your bed, where i belong?) why cant i push the buttons
that could cause you to confess?
why can't we close the circuits?
why cant you just say yes?

i've asked them all whats wrong with me
and no one can explain. its in the nature of resistance,
to deny that any pain,
may be caused by certain distances
or that you might just hold the key.
just tell me if this bothers you,
why cant you answer me? am i speaking? am i dreaming?

i have told you loud and clear.
it is your eyes that bother me,
it is your mind i fear.

 now thats rivet    2002-08-19 11:56:54 ET
SOLV KK006, 200:
You are incompatible with strong oxidizing agents and strong inorganic acids. In accordance with California Proposition 65, you are required to inform California that you contain trace levels of acetaldehyde.
Find out what kind of industrial solvent you are


 metro north    2002-08-18 13:48:57 ET
like a bullet i am shot to you its true
ascending i cannot decline,
this time is mine.

and in the tiny hours i return write down
record and reconcile
the way you smiled.


 in these ruins its hard to see    2002-08-13 14:17:20 ET
someone i loved said, in a song

"where were you when i wanted to be by myself you were at my side "

i should have stayed away.

i never know when to stay or go i never know what is right. when its time. i give up so easily and settle, and never let myself feel what its like to lose something i really wanted. never let myself hit that wall, always pad it with friends, with drugs, with alcohol, with a lover. if i hit that wall after you left it could have killed me but that very impact could have been the one that will saved me from a life left unlived. i never let myself hit that wall, so i live in the aftermath of nothing at all.

i have chosen company over quality, and i am paying the price. every decision i have made has fallen away moment by moment from what we could have had. how can i expect someone to blow me away when i disappoint myself. i have an ideal for myself, i have an ideal for what i want in a person... but until i live up to my own i have no right to seek out my ideals in someone else...

"you make me want to be a better person."
the most meaningful words i think i have ever said...

but words cant put across the loss that i have faced (and turned away from) you taught me everything i needed to know to forget about you, and the only price i have to pay is in hangovers and memory lapses. good. i hope the good ones go first, then maybe what happened months ago will hurt less.

you anger me because you live closer to my ideal than i have ever been.

<music: 242.up evil>

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