going to dhr/noise show    2002-07-31 17:13:47 ET
i'm going to an idm/ drum and bass/industrial show at pyramid tonight... my friend brandon (heartworm) is spinning, yup thats right, the brandon that came w/us to qxt;s... so now im going to go play quake 3... if you'll excuse me...

*i am having a good day, i woke up and got fingerprinted at the bank like a criminal (for the new job)... came back and read stephen hawkings brief history of time for an hour (yes i'm a dork) ... you know i always knew that if it wasnt for air resistance a lead weight and a feather fall at the same speed (especially on the moon) but i never knew why... my roommate played voltaire all morning... ack. then i saw him while i was eating my chinese food in the village.. the science thing though, being that i dropped out theres a lot of stuff i missed, i was homeschooled and so i'm intelligent up to a point but i really stopped learning when they put me in public school.... hung out in front of andromeda etc...

okay im being harassed for quake 3.... later kids

 my life as an 8th street vagabond    2002-07-30 18:22:56 ET
yup, thats right. i may have gotten fired but i landed on my feet and got a new job, but it doesnt start until this monday.

my only concern is: over the following week, what should i do with myself? i'm passing time playing network games as usual... going to a noise show at pyramid, actually two... but more disturbingly, i've been hanging out with the punks outside andromeda (a tattoo shop outside 8th street) 2 of which are going to be my new roommates (yep, thats five people, one house, keepin it real in nyc_) im kind of concerned as to getting on each others nerves etc. but i see the punker boys as interesting house pets.. (no, really). my labret piercing fell out and i was sorry i slacked for 2 days in getting another because this piercer at andromeda named zion put it back in (oh god, it hurt, and it made a big noise when the skin repierced)>. i nearly cried . then i ate icey's on the stairs of the tatto shop... this is the most glorious week ever, i dont feel guilty because i *have* a job, yet i have NOTHING to do.

one of my roommates got all pissed off at the computers here for not working right... and i understand being frustrated etc. but i have a tendency not to freak about the small things... i'm actually kind of scared when people get angry, ive had bad things happen to me in the past and act all skittsy (especially when i hear vacuum cleaners dont ask why) and i hope that its just a mood swing or something... and im not gonna accidentally drink his beer and have my head cut off... because honestly we've only known these kids for 1 week.. which is a recipe for disaster... but ive never understood the mentality it takes to get upset about little things, like people getting your order wrong at mcdonalds, or keeping track of money... like when i'm at a restaurant and i tell them what i want, i dont seeit as an order, i see at as more of a "suggestion"... maybe i'm nonconfrontational to a fault but thats just in my nature.. im not sure what part of it is nature and what part is experience but all i know is i feel sick when i see people get angry... and i'm sick of always being the grown up in the bigger sense... sure its grown up to do things like keep track of money and be organized etc. but its not very grown up to freak out when things dont go exactly as planned and drive like a psychopath (my ex used to do that, so did my dad)

i need to grow some cahones (is that how you spell that?) enough to be able to tell people when theyre being ridiculous....

 funny i'm a scorpio out of the bedroom too i guess this seals it    2002-07-28 16:21:45 ET

What's *Your* Sex Sign?

 freewrite - new jersey at dusk    2002-07-28 15:14:19 ET
There is a place i have dreamed of, a place of hot concrete cooling under a darkening pink sky. A dry, dusty industrial wasteland, beautiful in its solitude. Rusted hazmat barrels lie right side up and sideways in what might have been a parking lot, and quietly the streetlights come on, lending their orange hue to the twilight. I try to remember, try to describe, but it slips away because it is a place that is a feeling, and a feeling that is a place. Mnay songs I have loved, have been written about this place. the abandonment stays, the loneliness that is accompanied by beauty. the "infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing" of T.S. Eliot's 'J Alfred Prufrock'. You could lie down on a warm hood of an abandoned car, letting the sun's energy warm you in a more indirect way, getting hte fine layer of dust that covers everything here on your skin and your clothes, and not caring. Just staring up at an evening sky full of stars that aren't there quite yet, surrounded by the more abstract residual artifacts of human commerce, empty unused factories and the like... the humanity stripped and the abstract shapes remaining. A plane leaving a thin line of jet exhaust, catching the purple-orange of the sun's last rays, comforts you with the thoughts that there are people somewhere, just not here. Here there is only remains, refuse, the unwanted. Unwanted by whom? is the question, and your presence here, your content, is the answer.

you could be on that plane, you could go where it goes and in no time at all you would be in the glitter storm of the city again. you turn your head away from the sky, where one star has appeared, towards the broken glass that glitters under the orange streetlights, all the more beautiful for being unplanned. and the very fact that you *could* be in the middle of the towering clean steel, in the heart of all the action, beating fast, intoxicated by the different dreams of millions of minds, the very fact that you _could_ be there if you chose to, liberates you from having to be; lets you lie on an old dead automobile, in the very graveyard of all the dreams across the river, and for every shattered one there is a piece glinting underneath this streetlight, amidst the dust, and they are all beautiful.

*july 7th 2002*

     2002-07-28 15:04:36 ET
hmn interesting weekend i had...

i like to run away to the boondocks in philly when city life stresses me out.. so i went to my friend jeff's house and took his nephew out on his dirtbike... he's like 10... i kind of lied to my roommate/best friend about where i was and i got in trouble.. i swear i dont know why i feel the necessity to lie about dumb things... it was more like she made a certain assumption about where i was that i never bothered to correct, which technically is a lie... last night i was at QXT's in Newark , NJ... i dont know why i keep going back there, its shitty and drama filled but i suppose i feel at home.. plus new jersey (i swear) has the coolest industrial wasteland aesthetic kicking... the pulaski skyway stretches out over miles of abandoned factories, broken glass, broken down cars... all the broken and dead dreams of shiny New York come to rest somewhere in industrial Jersey.. and i find it beautiful.. Just like how coney island, once playground to the world, now washed up ghetto, is beautiful... i said once coney island was beautiful like a dead prom queen... something that was once loved, now discarded shines with its own special light...

so after qxts i hung out with my friends Joe and Jackie... and actually smoked a lot of... well lets just say non-cigarettes... which is completely uncharacteristic of me.. i used to be the "aloof intellectual" when it came to substances... but then i caught on that when an "aloof intellectual" is hurt, sometimes they go into a spiralling "glorious decline" of self destruct... end yourself like a rock star... there is a fine line between recreation and self destruction, usually i side with the latter but last night was an exception. this is also good because i've been stressing non stop about job social life money etc... i do alot of worrying and blow problems out of proportion, overanyalyze (i'm doing that right now).. basically beat a dead horse to death... i have a friend in FL (he's a rich kid so normally i wouldnt be able to relate) but he started smoking pot and his hyper mannerisms cooled down, he got less depressed.. and quite frankly i woke up in a damn good mood this morning.. damned good. and although smoking the green isn't something i'd seek out for myself (and jackie is a chick pothead, which is rare) i think that i need to quit using *everything* to self destruct, i think this is a habit left over from when i was more depressed... i cant just drink , i have to drink myself into the ground... "nothing succeeds like excess".. i've done this with multiple substances, even people... i'll hang out with someone for a week solid and then not at all for months... everything happens to me in black and white and suddenly, my life can't change gradually it leaps forward in quantum shifts... and i can sense them coming.. i sensed the shift that led to me losing my job & moving back to brooklyn and i know another shift coming but im not sure where its going to take me... i think i'll just do better if i stop struggling and accept that this is the way things work for me... and deal with it...
ok i'm going to post something i wrote about new jersey after this

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