2006-08-21 23:22:32 ET

He drowned and lost his mind. As he sank to the murky depths, his water-filled lungs pulling and pushing and dragging him down, he thought he saw some trace of liquid phosphoresence and realized that he was falling through the currents of the sun. I should be burning, he thought. I am burning. He could smell himself being broken down by the heat and the light and the elements. He inhaled parts of himself and realized he was dying and at that moment he saw a sea of faces all talking to him in muted, but loud, cacophony. They were burning too. And melting. Not just into each other but each into itself. He saw an eye collapse into a mouth and be swallowed by a pair of exposed jaws grinning as they flickered away into sullen sudden ash and then becoming wax and turning into living smoke which grabbed him from his place and threw him down into the water. And saved him. And he was drowning again.

2006-08-21 23:22:16 ET

They were bored at the hospital and when he was asleep they took their scalpels, cut open his legs, took out his knee joints, and stapled him up so when he awoke the following morning he'd find himself walking stilted like some terrified circus acrobat coming to realize that the unbending wooden poles beneath him, carrying him, were his actual legs.

2006-08-21 23:22:06 ET

He hadn't the heart to tell her. Literally. Because, aside from his hardened metal frame, his cardiac muscle was pure, fragile porcelain. In it lay a small chunk of radium. If you got too close you got cancer. His love could eat you up and inside out.

2006-08-20 10:52:44 ET

She was a trainable but legal and that was good enough for Jimmy.

One - they were easy. They didn't know what the act was. They didn't know anything. And if they did they usually couldn't tell how they were feeling. And with that prospect you get very little guilt


Two - he loved that blank stare in their eyes. That hollow stare. No matter what he did and how much of it he'd done that stare would always be there. That look of unawareness.


Three - they don't complain. Everyone else does. Everyone else just doesn't shut up. With a trainable all you do is stick yourself inside them and do whatever God says. For all they know you could be God. Or a tree. Or anything. Or both.


Four - he could fuck them unprotected. Trainables don't carry VDs. As for pregnancy, he'd always get them to have an abortion. They never argue. They can't.
1 comment

2006-08-20 10:52:33 ET

you can't control life but you can influence it.

2006-08-13 03:21:17 ET

Abortion?: I've tried it once but couldn't figure out where the forceps go.
Death Penalty?: The death penalty is a lot like crab meat. Yeah.
Prostitution?: Hey, how else will you pay for the nursing home?
Alcohol?: Fermentation is the second biggest cause of society's woes. The number one cause is Fertilization.
Marijuana?: Marijuana killed Lou Gehrig.
Other drugs?: If you put them together they make a nice rainbow. Eat the rainbow, see the leprechaun.
Gay marriage?: Fuck no. Fags are queer.
Illegal immigrants?: I've got this gig going. I get them across the border for $150 a piece and then narc on them for $150 a piece. Easy money.
Smoking?: People should go easy on their lungs and employ smoke IVs.
Drunk driving?: It's not drunk driving if your hands aren't on the wheel.
Cloning?: They should clone JFK. They should clone LHO.
Racism?: Is what people do when they're too lazy to find a real excuse for hating someone.
Premarital sex?: It's not premarital sex if she's already married.
Religion?: The fridge is my martyr. It empties itself for me.
The war in Iraq?: Send in the clowns. Clowns make everything funny. You could gas everything and it would still be funny. Plus clowns eat children so they can't exact revenge.
Bush?: Taught me all I know on the dangers of dwarfism.
Downloading music?: Downloading music is like paying for sex slaves from Eastern Europe - a victimless crime.
The legal drinking age?: Is irrelevant when you can ferment alcohol in your gizzard and have a stove pipe pipe out the carbon dioxide.
Porn?: The scourge will leave us mitten handed and one-eyed.
Suicide?: Only works once. Twice, if you're lucky.
3 comments

This is the type of random bullshit I write when bored at work.
2006-08-12 09:13:27 ET

Make way for the sound of galloping hooves
Make way for acrobastard
Make way for the lance and chariot of doom
and low low prices

Prices so low they'll make your balls drop low
on the ground so cold it'll make your balls go back up
and turtle into your torso oh no

oh yes yes yes yells acrobastard
touching the cold ground
cumming fingernail clippings on the pigeon stools

acrobastard stands tall above all
shorter than nobody
walking on the tightrope of life
beating off into the faces of the audience
their mouths wide open with astonishment

and acrobastard laughs and says

Make way for the sound of galloping hooves
Make way for acrobastard
Make way for the lance and chariot of doom
and low low prices

Prices so low they'll make your balls drop low
on the ground so cold it'll make your balls go back up
and turtle into your torso oh no

oh yes yes yes yells acrobastard
touching the cold ground
cumming fingernail clippings on the pigeon stools

acrobastard stands tall above all
shorter than nobody
walking on the tightrope of life
beating off into the faces of the audience
their mouths wide open with astonishment

and acrobastard laughs and says

Make way for the sound of galloping hooves
Make way for acrobastard....
1 comment

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