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2005-01-04 10:26:11 ET Have further decided that short, sweet phrases may be better than rambling truth. See examples as per "Rhiannon" (other Sub-K user) below: "I've been all busy with the boy. I think I'm over the moon." "Not much to say right now. In love, lust, and like. My cat is beautiful and I need a new tattoo. Christmas is coming up and I'm sick of the holdays already. Good Charlotte sucks ass. The End"
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What a journal is for | |
2005-01-04 10:04:36 ET I have decided that journaling is only useful if one uses the journal to benefit one's own sanity. Sometimes there's just no one else to talk to but the blank page and if you're anything like me, talking helps keep you from going insane. I think...a lot, maybe too much. I don't really use this journal like I should either. A lot of times, I just post song lyrics or poetry that I've written. I very rarely, start any politcal debates or hit on any topics that are going to get people all hot under the collar. I suppose that's okay. I mean really, who wants people pissed at them all the time? Okay, there was a time in my life when I was okay with having people pissed at me all the time. I mean I was Little Miss Confrontational for Pete's sake (whoever he is). I was told I was "abrasive" on more than one occassion. And while I think I may have outgrown that, it bothers me more than a little, that along with outgrowing being confrontational, I seem to have also outgrown the ability to say what I'm actually feeling/thinking. Or maybe, it's just that the things I'm feeling and thinking as of late hold more weight than anything ever did before...whatever the reason, why should I be afraid to "talk" to this blank page? It doesn't care and neither do you fine people, I'd guess. At least not a whole lot, anyway. There have been plenty of times that I've wanted to really rip into this screen and tell it what I really think. Problem is: the person it's all been mostly about reads this blog all the time. I can't stop him. So, (and here's some screwed up logic for you) if I type it and he reads it, he'll know what I can't tell him to his face, but really would like him to know. It's a screwed up thing when your best girl friend lives across the ocean and your boyfriend is your other best friend. You ever try talking to your boyfriend like he's your best girl friend? It don't always work so good. There are lots of things he doesn't want/need to know. Like how much you hate your period or that the fashionably pricey boots you just need to have are on sale. It also gets pretty damn tricky when you want to bitch to your best friend about him leaving his damn socks all over the place or you want to sigh and dream about how much you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. Oh ya, let me tell you, it ain't an easy balancing act. I'm not saying I hate it. I actually like it. But it can get tricky. So, (I digress) I've decided to spare him me talking about all the details and torture you wonderful people instead. At least that way, he can choose whether or not he wants to hear about my shopping experiences or how much he makes me swoon in bed. (Heh, he probably read that, but it's true, so who's complaining, right Dear?) Fact of the matter is that I love the man. I love him certainly and surely. I'm interested in spending the rest of my life with him and if waiting is what's going to make him happy that I'll just have to learn to hold my breath a little longer. His only worry should be that I'll get so involved in my new found social life that I'll forget I'm waiting...(j/k). Funny, after all that, I just started a sentence and then went back and deleted it because I thought oh crap, I have to censor myself. What if he knows? Screw it! Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! _I mean really_. I was going to tell this story about how we just got done moving him into a new apartment. It was just a little story about how I think I might be just a little bit mental. See I went to help him move and the place he moved into was pretty wrecked so we had to spend all this time straightening it up before we could really drag all of his belongings in. So I'm there cleaning out the disgustingly, moldy refridgerator and he comes in and goes "well, you really are quite the little Miss Susie Homemaker" or some witty quip like that. And, I realize that I'm totally ok with that. Doesn't that make me even just a little bit mental? Is it mental for me to be finding contentment and peace, in this day and age, with being put into, even _looking forward_ to being put into, that role? Is it weird for me, (again) in this day and age, to put such esteem and admiration into being a wife? Am I wrong when I think that that "job" can be just as hard as any other especially, if one does it right? Why am I so looking forward to what plenty of women run screaming from? I just don't think of it as bondage or being a servant. It's a freaking joy for me to think about it. It actually insults me when people put down this vocation. I put so much pride into it, that it actually insults me when people ask me if that's _all_ I want to do. What else is there? It makes me happy. I'm after it like it's the most prized position in the company paying $1,000,000 per day. And, I wonder if that makes me mental in some way. The other side to that is that maybe I'm not mental at all, maybe I just realize something that a lot of other people have forgotten. Maybe I just know where to find my heart's resting place and I know that it isn't in $ or cars or condos or anykind of possessions. Maybe, just maybe, it's in things like family and love and happiness with your state in life. What do you think? Well, I guess I'll cut it off here for today. This one got a bit lengthy. But hey, I've been holding back a lot, so I'd imagine the next few will be rather epic in nature. Perhaps more tomorrow.... |
Truth | |
2005-01-03 02:25:10 ET In the expanse of wilderness I was left to wander not knowing where I would end up. Hiking on for the years allotted my station I often felt lost. Many times I was entirely alone with only the silence of the forest for company. I had been sent out upon a long and toilsome journey of which, to me, the goal was unknown. Without map or compass I didn’t know for what I was seeking or in what direction it might lie. I had only the most vague of notions that I would recognize it, should I see it. And then, in the densest of places, I came upon you: an arrow in the forest, an oasis for the lonely. Instantly I knew that, though hidden in the depths of the lush forest, you were my way: straight as a fresh arrow flies when shot from a newly bent bow, it was you I was to follow. Following you I would find an end, my own fire to keep. And when finally the clearing for which I had searched long and tirelessly manifested I discovered a simple truth: Just as a campfire burns high and wild at first and then fades quickly: so are we now. And just as that same campfire will settle into the logs burning long and hot and steady: so shall we be. And even when the fire seems out the flames still smolder beneath the ashes of apparent ruin. |
Thoughts | |
2004-12-17 02:37:26 ET Instinctively I turn away from what now burns my soul. You would rather talk and I would rather lose control. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I thought I could curl inside your voice and wait out the storm, comforted by the steadiness I found there. I tried so hard to crawl inside; take comfort in the smooth, even tones of masculinity. I waited on three days of silence for the first perfectly pitched tones to hum through me. And lying in bed at night, I missed you in that cliche, more than words can say type of way In the thickening silence my heart merely whispered "after great pain, a formal feeling comes" Over and over again I repeated this truth as if, when the distance were breached, it would matter. I found comfort there, only for a time. for inside of me an epiphany had erupted; birthed from the silence. I can not curl inside your voice to slake my need. My need, is you |
An old Haiku from an old friend | |
2004-12-17 02:35:36 ET riding silently radio playing Tom Waits - Begining anew. ~ C.M. |
Anybody want to dance? | |
2004-12-16 09:43:19 ET I'm Your Destiny ~ Edna's Goldfish "Salty tears on a mostly blank page because you chose to ignore me Down on my luck 'cuz you didn't answer and the letter that you mailed It wasn't for me I tried to write the perfect letter I tried to sing the perfect song But every time I opened up my mouth It seems that those perfect words came out wrong Chorus I can only make so much sense With such little time I can only use so many words But they never rhyme Now that I see you time and time again It makes my heart skip and then some Because you chose to ignore me And the letter that you mailed it wasn't for me I tried to make the perfect phone call But somebody tapped my line They took the words right out of my mouth Why do I bother to waste my time? (Chorus) And I tried to write her a letter But the mailman said that she don't live here... anymore" |
Scary Christmas Songs That I Love #8 | |
2004-12-13 02:34:08 ET Father Christmas ~ The Kinks "When I was small I believed in santa claus Though I knew it was my dad And I would hang up my stocking at christmas Open my presents and I’d be glad But the last time I played father christmas I stood outside a department store A gang of kids came over and mugged me And knocked my reindeer to the floor They said: Father christmas, give us some money Don’t mess around with those silly toys. We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed Give all the toys to the little rich boys Don’t give my brother a steve austin outfit Don’t give my sister a cuddly toy We don’t want a jigsaw or monopoly money We only want the real mccoy Father christmas, give us some money We’ll beat you up if you make us annoyed Father christmas, give us some money Don’t mess around with those silly toys But give my daddy a job ’cause he needs one He’s got lots of mouths to feed But if you’ve got one, I’ll have a machine gun So I can scare all the kids down the street Father christmas, give us some money We got no time for your silly toys We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over Give all the toys to the little rich boys Have yourself a merry merry christmas Have yourself a good time But remember the kids who got nothin’ While you’re drinkin’ down your wine Father christmas, give us some money We got no time for your silly toys We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over We want your bread, so don’t make us annoyed Give all the toys to the little rich boys" |
Because you can't stop me from dreaming... | |
2004-12-08 09:29:29 ET "She's got her pretty, little bare feet hangin' out the window and they're headed out to Vegas tonight..." ~ Sara Evans What About Now? ~ Lonestar "The sign in the window said for sale or trade On the last remaining dinosaur Detroit made Seven hundred dollars was a heck of a deal For a four hundred horsepower jukebox on wheels And that road rolls out like a welcome mat I don't know where it goes but it beats where we're at We always said someday, somehow We were gonna get away, gonna blow this town What about now, how 'bout tonight Baby for once let's don't think twice Let's take that spin that never ends That we've been talking about What about now, why should we wait We can chase these dreams down the interstate And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round What about now We've been puttin' this off baby long enough Just give me the word, and we'll be kickin' up dust We both know it's just a matter of time 'Til our hearts start racin' for that county line What about now, how 'bout tonight Baby for once let's don't think twice Let's take that spin that never ends That we've been talking about What about now, why should we wait We can chase these dreams down the interstate And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round What about now We could hang around this town forever making plans But there won't ever be a better time to take this chance What about now, how 'bout tonight Baby for once let's don't think twice Let's take that spin that never ends That we've been talking about What about now, why should we wait We can chase these dreams down the interstate And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round What about now What about now?" |
Icky poo! | |
2004-12-07 02:32:37 ET I'll Think of A Reason later ~ Lee Ann Womack "I heard he was gonna marry some girl from Denver Then my sister came over, had the Sunday paper with her There was the girl on the social page Lookin' in love and all engaged We decided she don't take a very good picture It may be my family's redneck nature Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger But I don't like her She may be an angel who spends all winter Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner But I really hate her I'll think of a reason later I drew horns and blacked out her tooth with a marker Childish, yes, but she made such a thin little target I couldn't be happier on my own But I've got the slightest of a jealous bone And seein' her with him tends to enlarge it It may be my family's redneck nature Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger But I don't like her She may be an angel who spends all winter Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner But I really hate her I'll think of a reason later Inside her head may lay all the answers For curin' diseases from baldness to cancer Salt of the earth and a real good dancer But I really hate her I'll think of a reason later (Spoken) Well, it was just one tooth Did I mention I don't particularly care for her? She makes me sick..." |
A poem | |
2004-12-07 02:29:33 ET I don't know who the hell wrote this, but my boyfriend posted it forever ago. Ya. I like this one. A lot. A poem, by JSP: "We've danced the tango on green cemetery grass. We have invented things no one, not even us, will ever use. We have secret codes for the most mundane things. We have pulled off our skins and communicated entirely without words and everything was fully understood. We have shared secrets that no one knows, and really, we knew before we told each other. We have played tag in the space between the stars and played leapfrog with the moon. We have climbed redwoods and jumped off them into shot glasses full of water. We have dreamed and breathed each other. So why aren't we fucking?" |
I can do you one better | |
2004-12-07 02:24:31 ET That's What It's All About ~ Brooks and Dunn "Well, you work an' you slave an' you spend all day in your thankless job. Then you jump in your Ford an' you're door-to-door with the home-bound mob. Then you pull in the drive and you hit the chair, An' the one that you love is waiting there. Hey, that's what it's all about. Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without. No, I couldn't live without. It's a moment frozen there in time, When the reasons all begin to rhyme; Where love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out, That's what it's all about. (Ooh, ooh.) Well, they won't go to bed or do what you said or eat their food: An' they cry and they fuss and you can't even cuss 'cause they'll say it too. An' you're tired and you're numb an' you're stressed and you're mad, An' she smiles and says: "I love you, Dad." Hey, that's what it's all about. Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without. No, I couldn't live without. It's a moment frozen there in time, When the reasons all begin to rhyme; Where love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out, That's what it's all about. (Ooh, ooh.) Instrumental break. Hey, that's what it's all about. Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without. No, I couldn't live without. It's a moment frozen there in time, When the reasons all begin to rhyme; An' the love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out, That's what it's all about..." |
Mi Morena | |
2004-12-03 02:25:59 ET Most beautiful love song, ever...(at least I think so) "And so my love From my window I can see A beautiful vision And when the music plays Your body rises like a bird of grace Mi morena I saw you dancing in the rain Holy water Shining like a silver flame Come like a ghost I will watch you dance alone Mi morena You're the light within my soul And so my love The way you're moving in your dress To a nylon guitar On wings of silk and lace You lift upon the notes and slip away Mi morena I saw you dancing in the rain Holy water Shining like a silver flame Come like a ghost I will watch you dance alone Mi morena You're the light within my soul Take this cross of feathers and bone Take this heart I've carved in stone In your name Where the setting sun surrenders to the moon Mi querida I wait for you [repeat chorus] Mi morena Hold your hands out to the night Be my lover I will fall into your eyes Sweet fire of love Fo you I'd steal the stars `Cause I adore you O my morena" |
On The Way to Cape May | |
2004-11-23 09:58:36 ET "A love story that begins in Ocean City and wends its way along the Jersey Shore through Sea Isle City, Avalon, Stone Harbor, Cape May Court House, Wildwood, and romantic Cape May." (Words and music by Bud Nugent, 1960). Lyrics: You looked so very pretty, when we met in Ocean City, like someone, oh, so easy to adore. I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City, heading south along New Jersey's shore. On the way to Cape May, I fell in love with you. On the way to Cape May, I saw my dreams come true. I was taken by your smile, as we drifted by Sea Isle. My heart was really gone when we reached Avalon. On the way to Cape May, Stone Harbor's skies were blue. We were naming the day when Wildwood came in view. If you're gonna be my spouse, we'd better head for that Court House On the way to Cape May, On the way to Cape May. |
dum de dum | |
2004-11-23 02:28:16 ET It's a "Cooking for Tommy" kind of day. Can you hear the beat? Everybody dance! |
Subject: Gender of non-living things | |
2004-11-22 10:15:08 ET (Thanks Jen) You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example... 1. Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2. Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable, and retain water. 6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up 8. Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10. Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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