2005-01-04 10:26:11 ET

Have further decided that short, sweet phrases may be better than rambling truth. See examples as per "Rhiannon" (other Sub-K user) below:


"I've been all busy with the boy. I think I'm over the moon."

"Not much to say right now. In love, lust, and like. My cat is beautiful and I need a new tattoo. Christmas is coming up and I'm sick of the holdays already.

Good Charlotte sucks ass.


The End"
2 comments

What a journal is for
2005-01-04 10:04:36 ET

I have decided that journaling is only useful if one uses the journal to benefit one's own sanity. Sometimes there's just no one else to talk to but the blank page and if you're anything like me, talking helps keep you from going insane. I think...a lot, maybe too much. I don't really use this journal like I should either. A lot of times, I just post song lyrics or poetry that I've written. I very rarely, start any politcal debates or hit on any topics that are going to get people all hot under the collar. I suppose that's okay. I mean really, who wants people pissed at them all the time? Okay, there was a time in my life when I was okay with having people pissed at me all the time. I mean I was Little Miss Confrontational for Pete's sake (whoever he is). I was told I was "abrasive" on more than one occassion. And while I think I may have outgrown that, it bothers me more than a little, that along with outgrowing being confrontational, I seem to have also outgrown the ability to say what I'm actually feeling/thinking. Or maybe, it's just that the things I'm feeling and thinking as of late hold more weight than anything ever did before...whatever the reason, why should I be afraid to "talk" to this blank page? It doesn't care and neither do you fine people, I'd guess. At least not a whole lot, anyway. There have been plenty of times that I've wanted to really rip into this screen and tell it what I really think. Problem is: the person it's all been mostly about reads this blog all the time. I can't stop him. So, (and here's some screwed up logic for you) if I type it and he reads it, he'll know what I can't tell him to his face, but really would like him to know. It's a screwed up thing when your best girl friend lives across the ocean and your boyfriend is your other best friend. You ever try talking to your boyfriend like he's your best girl friend? It don't always work so good. There are lots of things he doesn't want/need to know. Like how much you hate your period or that the fashionably pricey boots you just need to have are on sale. It also gets pretty damn tricky when you want to bitch to your best friend about him leaving his damn socks all over the place or you want to sigh and dream about how much you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy. Oh ya, let me tell you, it ain't an easy balancing act. I'm not saying I hate it. I actually like it. But it can get tricky. So, (I digress) I've decided to spare him me talking about all the details and torture you wonderful people instead. At least that way, he can choose whether or not he wants to hear about my shopping experiences or how much he makes me swoon in bed. (Heh, he probably read that, but it's true, so who's complaining, right Dear?) Fact of the matter is that I love the man. I love him certainly and surely. I'm interested in spending the rest of my life with him and if waiting is what's going to make him happy that I'll just have to learn to hold my breath a little longer. His only worry should be that I'll get so involved in my new found social life that I'll forget I'm waiting...(j/k).
Funny, after all that, I just started a sentence and then went back and deleted it because I thought oh crap, I have to censor myself. What if he knows? Screw it! Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick! _I mean really_.
I was going to tell this story about how we just got done moving him into a new apartment. It was just a little story about how I think I might be just a little bit mental. See I went to help him move and the place he moved into was pretty wrecked so we had to spend all this time straightening it up before we could really drag all of his belongings in. So I'm there cleaning out the disgustingly, moldy refridgerator and he comes in and goes "well, you really are quite the little Miss Susie Homemaker" or some witty quip like that. And, I realize that I'm totally ok with that. Doesn't that make me even just a little bit mental? Is it mental for me to be finding contentment and peace, in this day and age, with being put into, even _looking forward_ to being put into, that role? Is it weird for me, (again) in this day and age, to put such esteem and admiration into being a wife? Am I wrong when I think that that "job" can be just as hard as any other especially, if one does it right? Why am I so looking forward to what plenty of women run screaming from? I just don't think of it as bondage or being a servant. It's a freaking joy for me to think about it. It actually insults me when people put down this vocation. I put so much pride into it, that it actually insults me when people ask me if that's _all_ I want to do. What else is there? It makes me happy. I'm after it like it's the most prized position in the company paying $1,000,000 per day. And, I wonder if that makes me mental in some way. The other side to that is that maybe I'm not mental at all, maybe I just realize something that a lot of other people have forgotten. Maybe I just know where to find my heart's resting place and I know that it isn't in $ or cars or condos or anykind of possessions. Maybe, just maybe, it's in things like family and love and happiness with your state in life. What do you think?
Well, I guess I'll cut it off here for today. This one got a bit lengthy. But hey, I've been holding back a lot, so I'd imagine the next few will be rather epic in nature.

Perhaps more tomorrow....

Truth
2005-01-03 02:25:10 ET

In the expanse of wilderness I was left to wander not knowing where I would end up.
Hiking on for the years allotted my station I often felt lost.
Many times I was entirely alone with only the silence of the forest for company.
I had been sent out upon a long and toilsome journey of which, to me, the goal was unknown.
Without map or compass I didnít know for what I was seeking or in what direction it might lie.
I had only the most vague of notions that I would recognize it, should I see it.
And then, in the densest of places, I came upon you:
an arrow in the forest, an oasis for the lonely.
Instantly I knew that, though hidden in the depths of the lush forest, you were my way:
straight as a fresh arrow flies when shot from a newly bent bow, it was you I was to follow.
Following you I would find an end, my own fire to keep.
And when finally the clearing for which I had searched long and tirelessly manifested
I discovered a simple truth:
Just as a campfire burns high and wild at first and then fades quickly: so are we now.
And just as that same campfire will settle into the logs burning long and hot and steady:
so shall we be.
And even when the fire seems out the flames still smolder beneath the ashes of apparent ruin.

Thoughts
2004-12-17 02:37:26 ET


Instinctively I turn away
from what now burns my soul.
You would rather talk
and I would rather lose control.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thought I could curl inside your voice
and wait out the storm,
comforted by the steadiness I found there.

I tried so hard to crawl inside;
take comfort in the smooth, even tones
of masculinity.

I waited on three days of silence
for the first perfectly pitched tones
to hum through me.

And lying in bed at night,
I missed you in that cliche,
more than words can say type of way

In the thickening silence
my heart merely whispered
"after great pain, a formal feeling comes"

Over and over again I repeated this truth
as if, when the distance were breached,
it would matter.

I found comfort there, only for a time.
for inside of me an epiphany had erupted;
birthed from the silence.

I can not curl inside your voice to slake my need.
My need,
is you

An old Haiku from an old friend
2004-12-17 02:35:36 ET



riding silently
radio playing Tom Waits
- Begining anew. ~ C.M.

Anybody want to dance?
2004-12-16 09:43:19 ET

I'm Your Destiny ~ Edna's Goldfish

"Salty tears on a mostly blank page
because you chose to ignore me
Down on my luck 'cuz you didn't answer and the letter that you mailed
It wasn't for me
I tried to write the perfect letter
I tried to sing the perfect song
But every time I opened up my mouth
It seems that those perfect words came out wrong

Chorus
I can only make so much sense
With such little time
I can only use so many words
But they never rhyme
Now that I see you time and time again
It makes my heart skip and then some
Because you chose to ignore me

And the letter that you mailed it wasn't for me
I tried to make the perfect phone call
But somebody tapped my line
They took the words right out of my mouth
Why do I bother to waste my time?

(Chorus)

And I tried to write her a letter
But the mailman said that she don't live here... anymore"

Scary Christmas Songs That I Love #8
2004-12-13 02:34:08 ET

Father Christmas ~ The Kinks

"When I was small I believed in santa claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at christmas
Open my presents and Iíd be glad

But the last time I played father christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor

They said:
Father christmas, give us some money
Donít mess around with those silly toys.
Weíll beat you up if you donít hand it over
We want your bread so donít make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Donít give my brother a steve austin outfit
Donít give my sister a cuddly toy
We donít want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real mccoy

Father christmas, give us some money
Weíll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father christmas, give us some money
Donít mess around with those silly toys

But give my daddy a job ícause he needs one
Heís got lots of mouths to feed
But if youíve got one, Iíll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids down the street

Father christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
Weíll beat you up if you donít hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Have yourself a merry merry christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothiní
While youíre drinkiní down your wine

Father christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
Weíll beat you up if you donít hand it over
We want your bread, so donít make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys"

Because you can't stop me from dreaming...
2004-12-08 09:29:29 ET

"She's got her pretty, little bare feet hangin' out the window and they're headed out to Vegas tonight..." ~ Sara Evans

What About Now? ~ Lonestar

"The sign in the window said for sale or trade
On the last remaining dinosaur Detroit made
Seven hundred dollars was a heck of a deal
For a four hundred horsepower jukebox on wheels

And that road rolls out like a welcome mat
I don't know where it goes but it beats where we're at
We always said someday, somehow
We were gonna get away, gonna blow this town

What about now, how 'bout tonight
Baby for once let's don't think twice
Let's take that spin that never ends
That we've been talking about
What about now, why should we wait
We can chase these dreams down the interstate
And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round
What about now

We've been puttin' this off baby long enough
Just give me the word, and we'll be kickin' up dust
We both know it's just a matter of time
'Til our hearts start racin' for that county line

What about now, how 'bout tonight
Baby for once let's don't think twice
Let's take that spin that never ends
That we've been talking about
What about now, why should we wait
We can chase these dreams down the interstate
And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round
What about now

We could hang around this town forever making plans
But there won't ever be a better time to take this chance

What about now, how 'bout tonight
Baby for once let's don't think twice
Let's take that spin that never ends
That we've been talking about
What about now, why should we wait
We can chase these dreams down the interstate
And be long gone 'fore the world moves on and makes another round
What about now

What about now?"

Icky poo!
2004-12-07 02:32:37 ET

I'll Think of A Reason later ~ Lee Ann Womack

"I heard he was gonna marry some girl from Denver
Then my sister came over, had the Sunday paper with her
There was the girl on the social page
Lookin' in love and all engaged
We decided she don't take a very good picture

It may be my family's redneck nature
Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior
It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger
But I don't like her
She may be an angel who spends all winter
Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner
A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner
But I really hate her
I'll think of a reason later

I drew horns and blacked out her tooth with a marker
Childish, yes, but she made such a thin little target
I couldn't be happier on my own
But I've got the slightest of a jealous bone
And seein' her with him tends to enlarge it

It may be my family's redneck nature
Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior
It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger
But I don't like her
She may be an angel who spends all winter
Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner
A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner
But I really hate her
I'll think of a reason later

Inside her head may lay all the answers
For curin' diseases from baldness to cancer
Salt of the earth and a real good dancer
But I really hate her
I'll think of a reason later

(Spoken) Well, it was just one tooth
Did I mention I don't particularly care for her?
She makes me sick..."

A poem
2004-12-07 02:29:33 ET

I don't know who the hell wrote this, but my boyfriend posted it forever ago. Ya. I like this one. A lot.

A poem, by JSP:

"We've danced the tango on green cemetery grass.
We have invented things no one, not even us, will ever use.
We have secret codes for the most mundane things.
We have pulled off our skins
and communicated entirely
without words and everything was fully understood.
We have shared secrets that no one knows, and really,
we knew before we told each other.
We have played tag in the space between
the stars and played leapfrog with the moon.
We have climbed redwoods and jumped
off them into shot glasses full of water.
We have dreamed and breathed each other.
So why aren't we fucking?"

I can do you one better
2004-12-07 02:24:31 ET

That's What It's All About ~ Brooks and Dunn

"Well, you work an' you slave an' you spend all day in your thankless job.
Then you jump in your Ford an' you're door-to-door with the home-bound mob.
Then you pull in the drive and you hit the chair,
An' the one that you love is waiting there.

Hey, that's what it's all about.
Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without.
No, I couldn't live without.
It's a moment frozen there in time,
When the reasons all begin to rhyme;
Where love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out,
That's what it's all about.
(Ooh, ooh.)

Well, they won't go to bed or do what you said or eat their food:
An' they cry and they fuss and you can't even cuss 'cause they'll say it too.
An' you're tired and you're numb an' you're stressed and you're mad,
An' she smiles and says: "I love you, Dad."

Hey, that's what it's all about.
Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without.
No, I couldn't live without.
It's a moment frozen there in time,
When the reasons all begin to rhyme;
Where love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out,
That's what it's all about.
(Ooh, ooh.)

Instrumental break.

Hey, that's what it's all about.
Hey, this is the life I couldn't live without.
No, I couldn't live without.
It's a moment frozen there in time,
When the reasons all begin to rhyme;
An' the love's a little bigger an' you finally start figurin' out,
That's what it's all about..."

Mi Morena
2004-12-03 02:25:59 ET

Most beautiful love song, ever...(at least I think so)

"And so my love
From my window I can see
A beautiful vision
And when the music plays
Your body rises like a bird of grace

Mi morena
I saw you dancing in the rain
Holy water
Shining like a silver flame
Come like a ghost
I will watch you dance alone
Mi morena
You're the light within my soul

And so my love
The way you're moving in your dress
To a nylon guitar
On wings of silk and lace
You lift upon the notes and slip away

Mi morena
I saw you dancing in the rain
Holy water
Shining like a silver flame
Come like a ghost
I will watch you dance alone
Mi morena
You're the light within my soul

Take this cross of feathers and bone
Take this heart I've carved in stone
In your name

Where the setting sun surrenders to the moon
Mi querida
I wait for you
[repeat chorus]

Mi morena
Hold your hands out to the night
Be my lover
I will fall into your eyes
Sweet fire of love
Fo you I'd steal the stars
`Cause I adore you
O my morena"




On The Way to Cape May
2004-11-23 09:58:36 ET

"A love story that begins in Ocean City and wends its way along the Jersey Shore through Sea Isle City, Avalon, Stone Harbor, Cape May Court House, Wildwood, and romantic Cape May." (Words and music by Bud Nugent, 1960).

Lyrics:
You looked so very pretty, when we met in Ocean City,
like someone, oh, so easy to adore.
I sang this little ditty, on our way to Ocean City,
heading south along New Jersey's shore.

On the way to Cape May, I fell in love with you.
On the way to Cape May, I saw my dreams come true.
I was taken by your smile, as we drifted by Sea Isle.
My heart was really gone when we reached Avalon.
On the way to Cape May, Stone Harbor's skies were blue.
We were naming the day when Wildwood came in view.
If you're gonna be my spouse, we'd better head for that Court House
On the way to Cape May,
On the way to Cape May.

dum de dum
2004-11-23 02:28:16 ET

It's a "Cooking for Tommy" kind of day. Can you hear the beat? Everybody dance!

Subject: Gender of non-living things
2004-11-22 10:15:08 ET

(Thanks Jen)

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.


For example...
1. Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2. Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5. Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable, and retain water.

6. Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up

8. Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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