2002-11-21 12:22:06 ET
Life can be
that is its whole
beauty, love, or
danger, it would be
almost easy to live.
Neither despair nor joy seems
justified before this sky and the
shining suffocating heat pouring
down from it.
We used to wonder where war lived, what it was that
made it so vile. And now we know where it lives, that
it is inside ourselves
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.
Men are never convinced of your
reasons, of your sincerity, of the
seriousness of your sufferings,
except by your death. So long as
you are alive, your case is
doubtful; you have a right only to
|HELP ME, I need love!|
2002-11-19 09:50:40 ET
I'm stressing hard. Me and Josh are having a hell of a time finding a suitable co-signer for this apt we're trying to get. We need to get a co-signer, like, today. We're set up to get this apt on saturday. We've already put a down on it and everything. Just need someone who has credit. Beth, the girl we did live with ('till she became a born-again fuckhead and freaked out on us) said she would do it, but of course, has backed out, like the fucking flake she it. Bitch. So, I think we're gonna drive to the city I used to live in, which is about an hour away, and get my mom to sign this credit application, then pay another $30 (on top of the $60 we've already paid for our credit checks). Hopefully, that will work out.
If you read the last entry I made, it corelates with this reoccuring element of my dreams. The ocean is constantly in my dreams. I've read different things...some references say it's vast, limitless feelings and emotions, while other things say it's conciousness and unconciousness meeting. I don't know. I have another reoccuring element, which is kinda embarrasing for me to say, but I will anyway...my former girlfriend. Vanessa. We broke up about a year ago. (She's not the last girl I've been with, but probably the most significant, seeing as how I was with her for 7 years. Now she's lesbian). I hate it when I wake up from such dreams; it's so hard to be close like that and have it so vivid, then wake up to nothing. I think she represents something like security, and the lack therof in my life. She's like something that is there, but something that I cannot get close to, no matter how much I want to. It may not be security, but it's something likened to it. So anyways, in that last entry, the part of "why do I still dream about you" refers to that particular aspect.
Most of the time I'm okay. The funny thing is that, while you're dreaming, you have no idea that it's not real, so you actually do experience these things as reality, which in turn makes them real.
It's tough shit I'm going through mentally. I want to escape this locked-down feeling. I couldn't read yesterday at the library 'cause I'm too stressed. Well, I did read, but it was comic books (thank god for small mercies).
I think I might go out tonight to a drum and bass club. When I'm stressed like this, going out either rememdys it, or helps to aggravate it. I'll see. Talk to people, drink, meet some girlies, dance...whatever it takes.
So yo, once again, if anyone has a little extra bit of love they could spare me, I'm open. *sigh*
(I think I'm gonna make a good casserole and drink wine right now...comfort)
2002-11-19 09:30:49 ET
in my waking dream
in my dreaming life
Why do I still dream about you?
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