Internal Dialogue
2002-09-26 23:38:14 ET

Tarot readings always get to me. My very good friend Vanessa gave me a reading over the phone tonight. It, of course, lead to the exploration of internal activity within me.

I feel as though everything is within my grasp. Everything I want is feasible. I don't say this in a universal sense that 'anyone can have anything if they set their minds to it.' I mean that, in terms of ideas and output, as well as perspective, I suit myself well enough that I, personaly, feel there aren't many things that I would want that I couldn't achieve.

However, there's this dilema. It is a layer, a sort of internal barrier, but something that feels invisible, so much so that I never think about it. It exists within my life unnoticed, though it seems to touch upon everything that I encounter.

My life is good and I am headed forward in the direction that I want to go in. My friends are so excellent to me, and to each other as I am to them, with intention and love. I have this real support that I can rely upon. Everything else is a matter of execution.

A thing about me is that I don't stop. I don't feel comfortable stopping. I think and do constantly. My friend proposed that this is an anxiety prompted by the lack of internal connection that I allow for myself. She suggested that I stop for a little while each day, establishing a routine involving letting the mind freeflow, like meditation without the ritual. Letting thoughts come and go. I get that type of thing when I'm walking down the street, or checking the sunset, or even looking at art, but I never turn it inwards and let my personal thoughts roam free of analyzation. I think I need to look into this.

Then she also said that I should take some pills, like St. John's Wort, or something to get the balance going. Vanessa has known me for over 7 years, so I listen to her and trust her completely.

I don't know. This is a long post, but this really is something that I need to work through. I feel at the brink of something totally wonderful. I need internal dialogue to let it go with all confidence.


The summer day of aug. 26
2002-09-26 10:29:16 ET

At leat I think that's the date today.

I don't know why the hell I don't arise in the morning and operate like a robot, in a series of steps:
1.get up, 2.take shower,, 4.drink substantial amount of coffee, 5.pursue day as you wish.

Accomplish these five things and all is well.

Instead, I often skip to step 4, then wind up smoking a bowl, afterwhich I proceed to get lost in whatever my hands find first, usually a picture or something on the ground.

Sometimes this straying off path works out wonderfully, like today. Other times, this straying turns to falling. Like the occasional times I get lost in T.V. land, usually on some foriegn channel, or some boring-ass news conference on C-Span. I don't watch T.V. hardely at all. T.V. is bullshit, but you know what I'm saying...or surveys. Or taking 48 minutes to fold clothes.

Me and my family (friends, roomates) got a little puppy. It's a golden-retriever. It's so adorable. It's a really-well behaved dog, which leads us all to wonder what may be lurking under the FLESH OF THE BEAST! No, but we needs to get her some shots. I never wanted an animal until I was like 40 or something (much like children), but seeing this dog did something to my heart. Ahhhhhhhh!

Okay, must back-track missed steps in todays prerequisites to living. Good day to all humans.


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