pics from the par-tay    2002-09-28 18:10:21 ET

(sorry that ones too big to fit on my page)

this is me and INSOMNIA

and this is my COOL ROOM


 NY SK MEET - BIO PARTY (not your typical introspective emo entry)    2002-09-28 15:56:21 ET
ok so last night we had an awesome birthday party for BIOMECHANIC. there were so many people i was forced to revert to my alternate personality, DRUNK BY DESIGN just to entertain them all! i had 2 Bacardi Silvers (my favorite drink, period) and 1 1/2 rum& cokes. i am told that i passed out.

arsenic, thermonuclear, furax , insomnia, STORM, Doktor242, Biomechanic (for like, half an hour), VENADIUM Con-Dom and Operation Clean Sweep (noise ppl from GBA) ... and other friends that arent on SK net and therefore don't get named...

Arsenic's pictures (which KICK ASS) can be found at

(incidentally, im the one wearing the tie and the tv w/static is my room)

I HAVE NEVER HAD THIS MANY PEOPLE AT MY HOUSE. ever. we got an effeminite pink cake made and they put ARMY MEN all over it covered in BLOOD ICING. it was a BATTLEFIELD. i wore my business shirt and tie. the beautiful STORM wore a tie too! and i got to semi-DJ after Bio left HIS OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY to go to GBA (which consists of loading up a playlist on WINAMP, or if i'm feeling very adventurous, opening TRAKTOR)... I passed out from like 2-3.. BIO came back & we sang happy birthday to him... I was happy because nobody i HATE showed up as was originally planned... and in the morning we had pancakes and watched cartoons! we got soooo rowdy the night before it was amazing! imma scan the pics (they are developing across the street as i type. ) and RED ROBOT left me a special LOVE NOTE after fleeing the scene of the crime in the morning!

and i even am 2/3 through FINISHING MY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT! what is that you ask? well I am being taught the basics of synthesis. and i have to come up with 3 new/original sounds/patches.. from scratch, like how we made the pancakes this morning! i made 2 today and the first one especially sounds really cool! my music teacher DOKTOR242 will surely be proud of me!

Now we are again at Web2Zone.. i always end up back here somehow... i wanted to go to MI7 at pyramid but it is 21+... so instead i go to God Blast America with Biomechanic. its better than BATCAVE. plus it is 4 blocks or so (drunken stumbling distance) from my house...

this weekend promises to be almost as good as the 'week i was unemployed, part 2', when all i did was play VIDEO GAMES at web2zone.

I promise i will return to the usual fare of introspective depressing journal entries later... probably like wednesday or something... ok imma go hop across the street and see how the pic's turned out...

dbd. over and out

p/s. bio owns me

 dont just read the quiz results read the entry under it too =)    2002-09-24 07:26:45 ET

Which Angelina Are You?

 dear diary. yesterday i went to the zoo...    2002-09-24 07:13:43 ET
oh did i say the zoo? i meant the Kings County Hospital. But i felt more like i was waiting in line for a witch doctor, or a veteranarian... it turns out what i have is very, very bad tonsilitis!!! ew!!! and i had to wait 6 hours in line to find that out! its because i went to a ghetto state funded place because i am po' folk. i havent been where i am long enough to get benefits or paid for sick time so that just means less money and bigger bills

"the rich keep getting richer every day, and the little that the poor man got, it shall be taken away.. do you hear what i say?" -bob marley

Of course i dont think that listening to Hocico's Signos De Aberaccion in the waiting room helps you be any less antsy...

so its been this ongoing dialog in my head, and i'm not sure if its just because i work with grown ups, whether or not the white picket fence is for me. its a scaled up version of my conflict between my attraction to dysfunctional relationships and my attempt to fit into functinal ones. the other day when i was taken to Rye Playland.. we were on a ride, and i looked behind me, and i saw this woman.. who looked very much like me.. it was kind of eerie.. but obviously several years older. and she had her son with her on the ride, no dad around. just the two of them. they both had fair skin, dark hair... and it almost felt like time folded in on itself, i'm sure in a way it did. there are so many potential futures out there and maybe one of them is the one where its years later and i only care about the opinion of one person and thats the little guy next to me. now it would take about $60,000 of surgical tinkering for me to even be able to have kids.. so i'm not about to get 'knocked up' or sucker some poor rivetboy into filling in the gaps that daddy left.. no siree bob i've seen enough of my male friends get in trouble this way and besides I HATE KIDS and the world is OVERPOPULATED (my exp. at Kings County Hospital only re-confirmed this belief,and that its the stupid people doing all the reproducing for the most part). the only reason it ever crosses my mind is because i know i can never have it. so i thought about it, and i came to a conclusion.

i dont want the normal life. i dont want the picket fence. but if i was in academia, or sociology, or psychology.. i might very well make it my primary study, as the cultural illusion of the 'normal, perfect life' has clearly had a profound psychological impact on me. do my thesis on it, perhaps? there are always two sets of values in play, and its important to recognize which values are your own and which have been inherited from the environment around you... I have a lot of beliefs that are different from middle class SUV driving starbucks drinking America. Does that mean I hate it? to a certain extent, yes. But my family was from another country, and i have dual citizenship, and could live somewhere else if i wanted, but choose not to. I'm too American. I may be knee deep in a subculture that is itself a backlash to the Monoculture (my term for our culture, ginked from Brian Wood) , but that still means I'm a by-product of the Monoculture. and I'm not sure how many dreams are mine, and how many belong to the Monoculture. Because, in a way, that's what culture is. a mutual, consensual dreaming. a shared paradigm. In a powerful relationship, there is a culture of two and i guess its that comfort zone i miss. i dont need the monoculture to tell me that, that culture of two is a timeless reality that predates the Monoculture thousands of years. thats why they keep writing stories about it and the stories keep selling. So coming to think of it i'm not even sure how many of these ideas about not wanting to be alone are mine to begin with... in my moments of extreme bitterness i call the whole concept of romance 'The Big Lie' as it just seems to be people chasing after two seperate (and usually conflicting) dreams, just causing cruelty to each other and nothing more.
and my friends that know me very well know that i see saw between total cynicism and total hypnotic belief in the Big Lie. I wouldnt be a real human if i wasn't a hypocrite. i guess its just drawing the line between reality and expectation... and as Doktor242 said, 'understanding the other person's expectations AND making allowances for them' which is something i rarely do.. usually i just walk into the rain proclaiming that i 'dont believe in umbrellas' and then wonder why i have a cold... and if none of this makes sense thanks for reading it anyway... i'm probably still delirious..

but heres the bright side.. i've lost 10 pounds in 4 days! and i havent been to the gym once! w00t

_SicKly iS sEXy__


 Day 4 of Quarantine    2002-09-22 14:20:06 ET
made some new aesthetic changes to the page... new pictures etc.. w/doktor242 waiting for Insomnia to go on break... besides my being sick some things of note have been happening lately...
i'm writing again... actually got gutsy enough to show off some of my short stories to doktor242... who'se been taking care of me w/Insomnia nonstop...
bad news.. i have to take out my labret piercing for now... i'm so sick that my body has rejected the piercing like it was... well like it rejecting food... i can always get it re-pierced later. so at least writing has been giving me something to do... i got hocico's signos de aberaccion as a get well present... last night was the third night ive spent tossing and turning and soaked... my temperature was around 102 or so i think.. but i was so cold i took two showers in steaming hot water just to feel normal, and i was in bad shape this morning too...i'm beginning to feel what must be the first hunger pangs all week, im such a baby when i'm sick. i nearly called my mom just to hear her voice just because i was scared and didnt wanna be alone...heart problems run in the family too, my cousin dropped dead at 19 lifting weights, my sister was just diagnosed w/the same thing as me (arrhythmia, abnormal rhythm of the heart, explains why im the only one of my friends w/a penchant for drum and bass)... so my heart was doing probably between 130 and 140 bpm lying perfectly still, it was scary. but i dont have money to see the doctor and have to wait until my company benefits kick in.

so much going on in the personal life.. it would only cause drama to relate it here. but the moral of the story is that i need to start downsizing lorraine inc., and soon. too many fucking people on the payroll. cut it down to priority people (ie the people that would take care of me if i was sick, yeah ive learned a bit about who my friends are)... i dont know.. i have been trying really hard to have a normal boyfriend and be happy... we went to playland, he cooks for me, he's cute... but i'm beginning to wonder if i've become accustomed to dysfunctional situations. when i can't find a flaw in someone i begin to wonder if they're real. and what i'm really looking for is someone i can 'slob out' with, i think its disturbing when someone spends a half an hour making themselves pretty for me.. its cute at first. but when someone is totally flawless.. has never done drugs, never had the range of experiences i have, i worry.. that they will judge me for where i've been, even though it's shaped a large part of who i am and helped me achive a maturity far beyond my 19 years.

i think that my maturity can be largely attributed to my ability to 'see the glass as already broken.' i lost a lot, very early on.. and lost it hard, and learned that things only run harder when you hang on to them. perhaps this would explain my preference for doomed/and/or/inaccessible relationships.. it liberates you when you see something as already dead, its when you start to hope that you can find a small sign of life, or begin to believe that something is growing out of the ashes thats worth fighting for... but this is a direction that i can go no farther in without naming specifics and as always, i pick metaphor and blamelessness.

i had an odd experience yesterday. i got the live journal address of some girl i had always held quite the distatste for. i dont even know why; i can't relate to girls anyway but this particular one had shown herself to be particularly juvenile, picking fights at club, etc. and i swear that the fact that she's happily going out with someone i was once quite infatuated had nothing to do with it... well i got sent her live journal address as a joke.. as a 'hey here's something to laugh at.' so i started reading, and three quarters through the second entry i forgot whose journal i was reading and that i was supposed to hate her. i don't hate her. i actually relate to her, and if we didnt hold petty club grudges towards each other.. if she was someone i hadn't met yet.. i probably would have posted some sort of lengthy reply/comment.. so i told the 'boyfrend' that she wasn't crazy, and i thought it was stupidity that our subculture is an environment that would set us apart and against each other... though to blame it on the subculture is ridiculous.. i dont expect to ever really become friends with this girl, we're both too prideful... but i guess i kind of know what the boi's i know see in her after all... we somewhat resemble each other.. and i guess its all a matter of the same matter not being able to occupy the same space at the same time...

oh and i saw something really sad today. i saw one of my friends from Batcave sleeping in the park, homeless ..and i couldnt do anything about it. because i've known him long enough to know that he's done it to himself and that he's been given other options.. and i know that there's no real way i could help him anyway, hell i can barely help myself up the stairs nowadays but i still felt bad... well thats enough boring entries for today, later kidz...

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