gets write up at    2006-06-27 04:19:05 ET
so infamous among architects is , a cesspool of vicious,
unedited, spiteful and malicious gossip. we all secretly read it, we
all secretly wish to be on it one day, even if it's speculation on which
elective surgeries we have had. point is - no such thing as bad
publicity on The Gutter.

so imagine my surprise, my never the twain-shall-meet compartmentalized
surprise, when gets a shout on on The Gutter - albeit a
small one.

see the entry for today

Monday, June 26th.

"Our [raver]<- [link to!] days being so long gone, the
few memories we'd retained having long since idled out to the great
white beyond, we haven't yet laid our three eyes on the latest P.S. 1
courtyard installation. More than that, we just plain don't like
boroughs. But, lucky for us, an intrepid Reader has suffered through
trains, planes, and bubbly poles to bring us a report of this year's
architectural shitshow: "<BR>

Ah, the great white beyond.





"At least nobody at PS-1 wears trucker hats anymore. "



I'll soon be garnering a bit of my own publicity stunt with a student
blog at .

I'd like to be something of the Warren Ellis human meme of the
architecture scene, awash in the glow of my own infamy. No offense,


 next is the final leg    2006-06-11 06:37:34 ET
it occurs to me that since he is odd and I am even, he will have the privelege of getting "1".

as i said before, every one of these has a specialmeaning for us
19 and 20 are my favorite so far.

i've rediscovered Depeche Mode's Violator. The last time I'd heard it this way, it was ten years ago.

The sweetest perfection
To call my own
The slightest correction
couldn't finely hone....

I stop and I stare too much
Afraid that I care too much
And I hardly dare to touch
For fear that the spell will be broken...

[ Things you'd expect to be
Having effect on me
Pass undetectedly
But everyone knows what has got me...

Takes me completely
Touches so sweetly
Reaches so deeply
.. I know that nothing can stop me ]


 great minds think alike [ and fools seldom differ ]    2006-06-09 04:43:30 ET
okay so i know it's pretty silly that I only use this journal for one
purpose... for other goings on turn to le_futurisme ,
but as i said before, this is a safe place to discuss a
matter very important to me.

the skinny: i am in a long-distance relationship with someone i have
known online almost a year, been best friends with for over six months...
and psycho-physically involved with for ... not even three. We've only
been in each other's physical presence for three and a half hours in our
lives but neither of us care [ saw the prodigy @ Nation in DC
together ]. I was told by a number of people that after I got off the
train in New York, i was 'glowing' for the rest of the day.

so i am on the verge of how you americans say... 'to seriously commit'?
please nobody go congratulating me on
LJ or anything... i've already been through the anxiety cycles regarding
this, and it is what I want. this sounds like a 'young, impulsive' thing
to do but i got my own apartment when i was 16, ran away to new york at 18,
worked as a banker for 3 years, clubbed my brains out, dated enough
people to fill a classroom, and broken enough hearts to fill a lecture
hall. I've been dating nonstop for 10 years, I am a fucking veteran to
what I want in a partner, i was just waiting for the sense of recognition
that i feel now, which is to say, recognizing/remembering what it was i
wanted and outlined to begin with before i gave up and started chasing
numbness. this recognition is mutual.

i've been meditating on the importance of 'otherness' as such in a
relationship. is it crucial? theres always people who will tell you that
someone can't bee too much like you, or else it would be 'boring' but is
that what people who have never found someone like them tell themselves?
one of my bosses who just got out of a 30 year marriage, when asked if it
was possible to be *too* similar... replied with an emphatic FUCK NO.

here's a list of his interests, cross referenced to mine (bold), which
were in my profile above.

i dunno... you think it'll work?

one thing we dont share is that he's a bit more private.. whereas i want
to yell this to the hills... i think this is a decent compromise...

the progress: i will not be going to Indiana to drive him back to the
east coast. we [because it is we now] bought a plane ticket that will
get him back on the East Coast. There will be a 3.5 hour layover in
Philadelphia, which I am taking a greyhound out to go spend time with him
for. (the 24th.. a saturday).. after that i will just stumble around
the city deliroius and glowing for about 8-10 hours before returning to
New York City... his connecting flight will put him in Portsmouth,
Virginia where he has a home and a job already set up. I will be
spending every 3 day weekend, holiday, and spare stretch of time I can
with him. I just want to see him happy, happier than he's been stuck in
the Midwest. He never belonged there. The person who broke him and
left him there is a fucking idiot, but her loss is my [lifelong] gain.

the bottom line now is how to integrate into each other's lives without
disrupting the others' completely. he claims he wants, like me, to spend
his life building things. i would love to have this life together.
already i see the seeds of it in our information exchanges and crits. its
almost too good to be true. i think i couldnt take him to new york with
me, its too 'me'. it wouldn't be fair. we should be equals and both in
new and totally strange water.

i dont want
to be that girl that drags him out somewhere on someone else's dream.
it has to be his. i'm going to stop second guessing him and just trust it
after a while...

but thats where all that is...

i hope he doesn't get mad at me for posting this on a semi-public place.

its just hard to keep this degree of joy to one's self.


 but who's counting?    2006-06-02 10:45:12 ET
We have been counting the days until we see each other again

We've only been in each other's physical presence for..3 hours
but I've never been more certain of something as I have of this.

For five days, I will fly out to the midwest (thats the plan anyway)
and extract him back to the East Coast, where he belongs.

To pass the time we have been counting the days, using a visual
vocabulary that has developed between us over the past half year.

this is what it looks like
i am even and he is ... odd

All through this, even when I was too blind to see what was happening,
he was my best friend. [it still hurts so much to say those words]I
would rather break my heart into a million pieces than jeapordize that.
I can only say that I'm grateful to myself that I let myself live to see

I never want it to become only about "the thing itself". I'm constantly
reassured by our parallelisms that it won't. I've skated on the edge of
that before and it's dangerous [we all remember what happened *last
time*]; it's possible to find a beautiful dialog between the person you
imagine, and the person that they are, having the twain enrich each other as the gap grows closer and closer.

The hope is that the familiarity will only deepen the mystery. I've never
had coincidence and parallel scream so loud to me as it does now. Maybe
once, and were it not for that once I would probably have jumped straight
into this without thinking twice about it. I'm not afraid of losing him
to the inevitable. I'm afraid that I've just been imagining this,
projecting it out of my hurt. I know that's simply not the case though.

We're both undergoing MAJOR transition periods in our lives. We are
leaning hard and I ultimately want to do whatever will be the best
for both him and me, because we deserve nothing less.

Throughout it I will continue to be there for him as he has for me.
Boy/girl nonsense aside. As someone dear once said... "To do otherwise
would be unthinkable."

np: gusgus - polyesterday
[kruder + dorfmeister / abductions + reconstructions]

 an Ideal Summer Night    2006-05-28 15:04:17 ET
me: ok so now that I've had my Thai
me: only one thing
me: no
me: no two things
me: well maybe three
me: would make me happy tonight and
me: they must i mean *must* occur in this sequence.
me: 1. we make love
me: 2. i get a beer (Sam Adams)
me: 3. and play wipeout fusion, with you cuddled very close to me

[_______] is no longer idle at 9:54:48 PM.

me: and, no, you're not going out with a guy :P


np: S'apex - Surge
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