Thanks to Travisz for remembering what they actually said... this
was right in the middle of a great set... in front of motion i think?
i was too emotional to remember anything but total awesomeness

"it's great to be here in New York...

unfortunately we've heard of some sorrowful news about one of our biggest fans here

we were told how he passed away recently .

he had a ticket for tonight and now he unfortunately can't be here

but he's here in spirit.

for Chris...

this is for you
wherever you are now, may you enjoy this show forever
thank you"

-Richard 23 on stage at Irving Plaza November 21st 2005

They dedicated Quite Unusual to Chris.

God... how fitting... how unreal.

Thanks to Jon Prusick for alerting the band via Myspace... and for
whisking us past the guards and up the flight of stairs in a feat of pure
cahones that ended in the sighting of Daniel B behind the mixing
boards and holding the line until Travis and Amy could make it up the stairs...

Prusick definitely was the hero of the day

The band, though understandably tired, was very compassionate...
Patrick Codenys even handed out Coronas as we waited for Richard23 and
Jean-Luc... I always knew I wanted to have Richard23's babies [well, i
came to that conclusion one day watching 242 videos with chris who
assured me that this was a 'perfectly normal' phase to go through.. he'd
been through it too =P ] but now i think i want to have Patrick's too...
he gave me this great genuine-real-human-being hug... and now my
hoodie REEKS of Front242!!! sweat and LOTS of german cologne... AWESOME.
I'm never washing it again! Suddenly wish i'd have 'dolled up' for the
show but i havent had the energy since... Here's the pictures from Amy's

I had some pictures of Chris on me... I knew that they heard the news but
it's different when you see the face.. I showed him my favorite picture of Chris.. which had been courtesy of melissa... the picture itself more
Nitzer Ebb than 242 but still] and Patrick thought he met him at the VNV
show earlier this or last year when they DJ'd.. makes total sense since chris WOULD have stalked them... Eventually we got the band members to
sign the back of the picture; we're going to give the picture to his mom,

Chris was the most amazing person ever. In a way the hype we gave each
other enriched the experience when we got to know each other as people. Sort of like spiraling in love but stranger and more complex... It made
the dream and the reality a multilayered texture that i will remember for
the rest of my life, however long that is.

I think I said "this is all a very interesting nightmare but when do i
get to wake up?"

Nightmare or no, last night belonged to the dream... And why not..
Anything involving Chris is usually a surreal adventure. And how utterly
life affirming, even in my darkest hour...

"I should have woken up at once, but this was no
concern of mine, so I kept on dreaming...

The way the morning broke was quite unusual - more than words can say..."

 i miss chris    2005-11-17 15:52:40 ET

it has been two years and about eight months since i've last written an entry here.

so much has elapsed.

moved out of nyc temporarily, lived in DC metro area, did a year of architecture school in baltimore, worked my ass off and killed it, got my heart broken (or what i thought was heartbreak at the time) spent some time in london and berlin, got up to NYC doing my thing legit on a full ride, spent years looking forward to being back home with my best friend, thinking everything would be the same... but it wasn't...

as you probably all already know, my best friend Chris / Doktor242 died in his sleep November 4th. It's been more than two weeks since the last time I saw him but I have not forgotten a single detail of him as I feared I would. I can even hear his voice in my dreams, perfectly. I loved this man more than I have ever loved any other human being. As close as we were (as close as two human beings could get), I am still surprised at stories that I hear about him... I've gotten to hear plenty in the past few weeks and they still all seem so precious to me. Chris still to this day surprises me.

Chris and I met at work at a bank. We were both doing new accounts and customer service in nyc, blocks from one another. meeting him in real life added a special bond... we didnt have to hunt each other online... (even though as it happens i'd been estalking his screen name for about 6 months before i happened to meet him)... oddly enough we hardly ever frequented clubs together... we preferred 'real time' interaction... we called how we met the 'creation myth' because there were so many weird circumstances surrounding it that it had to be fiction. sometimes i think the story of us and the elevated position we each held in each other's lives (most important human... EVER) obfuscated the reality of our humanity, and caused us to have unattainable expectations. we even shared many of the same flaws (not to mention clothes, obscure music, conversational styles and speech patterns... etc). we always marveled at how it never 'went away' even when i spent time on the other side of the country or the world. we were still one...

and yet we must not have been, or i would have seen this coming, perhaps? i'll never know.

and it's just ironic that my last entry here goes on a tirade about 'soul mates'... it seemed like right then i was fighting it so hard... it seems to read 'i'm young and i have the world at my feet.. why the f$#k should i give it to someone else?'

i read my previous entries here and am stricken with how haphazard (read:happy) i was. how childish.

i distribute online expression differently these days.

That's the real stuff but it's no party over there right now, i'm warning you.

thats for idiot networking

that's my work... not recently updated...

most stuff on here will probably be a light hearted attempt at joining the land of the living...

on that note:

Recently came up with the best expression EVER:

post-mortem cockblocking

for example

X: Lorraine, do you want to go out with me before club saturday

ME: [heavy sigh]... It's just.. I dont know.. Since.. you know.. I just don't feel like going anywhere.

X: Dammit.. you know sometimes I feel like Chris is cockblocking me from the grave!!!

Well.. it's good to know my best friend is still doing his job...

Beleive me, to the victims of post mortem cockblocking... it's a very real phenomena!!! >:]

so.. who's out there?


 no such thing    2003-02-22 15:29:59 ET
at web2zone. waiting for the insomnia to go on lunch break. then study +-*/ for an hour and head to club.. good old club.. went to funhouse last night.. quite honestly i could have done without the experience except that me and death condition saw someone getting a hand job.. and the music was good for a bit.. but it kept turning into raved out garbage... we left for diner, where me and Storm and Insomnia had a bleary-eyed but nonetheless stimulating conversation.. im so tired i can barely remember about what.. i was supposed to hang w/doktor242 today but the bastard cancelled on me... which is just as well, because i got to sleep in till 5 pm.
some sort of change is happening with me that has to do with people. and like most lasting change, its taking its sweet time.. i'm beginning to care again. i'm beginning to reach an equilibrium with the people that are important to me. my empathy is returning, as well as my generosity (the real kind). i was always flitting in between the idea of running away to FL, ive been ever since coming up here. its very easy to attribute great qualities to a life you're not living. but i dont think i could. maybe to go to college and finally do something with myself. maybe.. but the truth is, there are people i care about. i have done what i set out to do when i left Florida, which is... make a life. i have a few intense friendships, which i could count on half of one hand.. which my heart is actually taking root in.. when they're in pain, i'm in pain.. physically. their shortcomings are my shortcomings, their victories my victories. and i have quite a large number of peripheral friends and acquaintances who are only my acquaintances because i dont have the time to make them otherwise. but are all intensely beautiful, interesting amazing people. certainly an odd outcome for someone that considers themselves a loner... sometimes i'm forced to compartmentalize relationships, this could happen for many reasons, one of them being that most of my friends don't like each other but even that i'm becoming ok. with. but the fact i'm beginning to care again.. is precious.. i dont want to jinx it by saying it.. but i feel like i'm waking up in a sense.. from a nightmare where, as khalil gibran put it, 'you will laugh, but not all of your laughter, and cry, but not all of your tears.'


funny thing: why is it that with all the buildings i admire.. the ones that instill emotion in me.. i look up the architect who designed them. and the guy is invariably an asshole. A petulant, uncompromising, asshole prone to prima donna fits and beating $200m clinets with t-squares. Is there something about these buildings that hints at their ambition, is there something about ambition that turns people into monsters, and more importantly.. is there something about this that i like?

a fragment of memory returned to me the other day.. a story told to me by some relative trying to demonstrate that i wasnt the only kid in the family to get a rebellious streak..i forgot all about it until yesterday reading Ayn Rand's 'fountainhead'.. see.. my dad is a structural engineer. my grandfather, an architect. and back in the day they got in a conflict so heated, that my father slammed the drafting table down on his father's hands, breaking every bone in them and putting him out of work for six months!! its so funny the things we remember and repress, put away and forget about..


i'll end this on a question:

society presents us, through the media, through literature, through its various means of transmitting values, with myths. some of these myths are powerful and taken for granted in our programming.. and theres something that may be in my programming that i want to get rid of.. only its roots too far in my brain to pull out without causing serious damage.

it is the myth of the 'soul mate'. you know. the One. the answer to every great loneliness whose presence seems to lurk behind the favorite songs, the twilight feeling.. it feels sometimes the very reason for all my ambition.. i didnt know i had it so bad until recently.. i really believe this #@$@! how did that happen.. i believe it enough to do the ultimate crime, to ignore who people really are and try to project on them the image of the One, while ignoring that i'm doing this.. or rejecting them because some aspect doesn't match, doesnt fit.. the One would share my hunger. my taste for beauty. the One would have it so bad he would turn his life upside down to find what he's looking for. the One is looking for me.

now is it just me, or is this some of the most irrational stuff ever printed? admitting to yourself that you actually hold beliefs like this is tough.. and maybe i should throw it away, give up the dream and accept people for who they are.. because this hunger is killing me, is forcing me into acts of cruelty.. and i dont know if its right or wrong.. the only thing i can think that makes sense is that i'm too young to know for sure.. my dad just found what i think is 'the one' for him.. and it took him years.. and they dont share everything in common, just the important stuff.. nonetheless i'm glad to see him happy.. but i'm too uncompromising.. if something isn't perfect i toss it out the window and don't care if the wolves eat it. it may appear that i am immorall and shiftless but really its just a hyper-extended perfectionism. when i determine something is fucked, its fucked and thats it, and theres nothing that can be done, and what happens doesn't matter..

i'm sick of this horrible perverse loneliness making me hurt people.. but i dont know how to make it stop.. so thoughts, kids.. do you believe there is the One? do you believe you found it and lost it? do you believe you could have it right now and not know?

my compass of rationality, which usually points to magnetic North, is careening in all different directions, and i wait alone in the blizzard for the world to right itself and the vertigo to stop.


 CAUTION: this post contains no depth whatsoever..    2003-02-17 12:03:58 ET
hahaha looking back over my writing it lookse so goddamn CHEESY sometimes.. sometimes i'm on point.. but sometimes i'm melodramatic...

we interrupt 'deep thoughts by DBD' to bring you..

the long awaited weekend report...

Friday i was all like 'screw valentine's day' and after cutting some strings i went to Nowhere, Brooklyn and made music with Doktor242... long live the novation nova..

SaturdayCROSS PLATFORM was fucking AWESOME for the last night, even if no-one had showed up i would have been happier than a pig in slop b/c of how well the DJ's did... but almost everyone showed up.. almost.. which was good enough.. it was bangin' downstairs!!! not as packed as Cybertron but we didn't pander to idiots by playing dumb techno!!! ironically, this was the best night downstairs we ever had but i lost money because of upstairs doing badly.. but the night we made the most money (aka enough to cover flyers AND cab's w/equipment) was the night we had three ppl downstairs (Wintermute and DP included!!!) so it all balances out... i have to say i have learned alot trying to do something like this; i knew the format was slightly different and its not your usual accessory to an industrial night.. usually industrial nights are paired up with 80's or bad goth nights.. so i wasnt sure how industrial kids would take idm/dnb/triphop.....but now i know what's possible (with the right venue, of course) and the right atmosphere.. i honestly am boycotting the batcave from now on. they threw out my flyers every time i put them out.. which is just childish.. if you really run the 'best night' you shouldnt have to resort to b/s tactics like that.. the music is terrible. the atmosphere is negative. i am officially boycotting batcave from now on. i will hang out with ppl, i will go to q's.. i am contemplating boycotting pyramid b/c the mgr is such a dick.. I'm even giving up the NCC show in 2 weeks.. oh well. they just run off their DAT anyways and i can get their kurzweil patches and sit at home trying to figure out their songs..

but jesus christ saturday night was fun. thats what i really wanted it to be like; i got attitude from the club manager because (he's a dick) but also because there were so many ppl downstairs that it was making upstairs look bad.. so ppl pop their heads in and all they see was upstairs.. which i heard was empty for a while... and then they wouldnt come in club.. which i understand.. but seriously, thank you for everyone who came out, a super fucking thanks to my dj's aaron spectre and G-DAM (you guys fucking RAWK), Bio, prusik and doktor242... bio you fucking rocked... everyone give me or d242 their set lists so i can post them.. im going to make a dj demo cd of my own slickest segways etc.. just a sampler of what you would have heard at a typical CP night.. haha the manager was so pissed about ppl being there that he cut power at 245 when there were still mad ppl downstairs and i didnt get to spin; but i don't care and for only 3 nights running... to have one night that good.. and its been mad snowy and whatnot..

sundayi went to contempt , stayed out till 4 hanging out with someone i never thought i'd get a chance to know.. (lol its all about the industrial uber elitist yahoo group!!! yah!! got hit on HARDCORE by a famous techno dj who i will keep anonymous.. but he def. came across as an asshole.. and i was trying to get rid of him for awhile.. i didnt know who he was.. didnt catch his DJ name.. so i was just like 'eh its just an anonymous creep telling me he's famous' he was all like 'i BROUGHT techno to the NYC scene' i was all like 'first off you creep, if i had a dollar for everyone who told me this..' little did i know he was actually telling a half-truth.. then i was all like 'well if you're responsible for this then its my duty to STAB YOU. hahaha im really not saying who this was but it was really fucking funny.. i stayed out really late & had to walk home in 3 feet of fcking snow, fortunately work called off.. mine and justine's.. so guess what
monday (today)

it is closed for business, but not so closed that myself and INSOMNIA cant be here on the inter-web listening to converter.. dicking around eating candy and drinking soda... i dont feel bad b/c we're snowed in, i already wrote for a good 2 hours today.. theres nothing else to do.. i may go out to CBGB's art gallery to see someones band that i met last night.. i'm supposed to give him a copy of reason2.0- for the Maelstrom graintable synth but my copy is scratched.. his band is called Eisdrive i think?

i havent slept at all.. not since 2 days ago.. i'm pulling an izzy.. but i'm having fun.. me and insom took pic's in the snow.. and i'm all hyper.. so yah.. i just wanted to take a break from the deep journal entries.. still studying.. still working on the book.. still going to go for architecture school.. but goddamn do i deserve a break.. thanks to everyone for making the last cross platform night fucking kick ass.. i love you all...

 erased. over. out. (revisited)    2003-02-15 07:10:42 ET
one day as i am dying i will grip like a madman to a single crumb of faith. A single crumb on the white tablecloth of infinity. That somewhere, in the labyrinth of the world's Fallopian tubes, there waits a creature unborn. Who, years after my plug has been yanked out of its socket, will kiss the pages i have left behind, the words, the love, the madness.

And proclaim me as their valentine.

Happy Valentine's day, Henry Miller of Brooklyn, New York. You once wrote that you were terrified your words would never reach anyone, never spark a fire inside, but die like forgotten embers. I am writing to tell you that your fears have become utterly, utterly meaningless. null and void as the american dream I have seen the emptiness of Myrtle Avenue, i have had the tides of humanity threaten to drown me worse than any wave that ever pounded me into the ground in Florida, i have damned myself in the prison of human flesh time and time again only to come out and be called 'lucky devil' by awestruck villagers. Every time I touched a piano it got worse. And what is the prison of flesh, i ask you. what are the countless nights of clubs and ounces of poison and thousands of dollars and miles of sidewalks if what i was searching for the whole time, i could find alone in the office, hunched over words on paper. i'm not saying that i'm going to become a shut in. I'm not even going to pretend dramatically to 'stop posting'. it has been no higher sense of nobility that has kept me from being online, just an obtuse computer. but i have to say that i understand a little more why i went out all those nights, why i missed out on all that sleep, why i took so many prisoners only to find them empty vessels and set them free. i have caught a glimpse of what i was looking for. a longer glimpse than usual. i could write about it forever but there are so many other things to write about besides my own petty victories.

and in other news, it is over.

if you dont know what i am talking about, don't ask and consider yourself lucky. if you do know, and you are my friend, you will please allow me the dignity to bury my dead in peace. i sincerely apologize to all involved who got involved in what can only be described as a terrible farce.

yesterday i took up a dead man as a valentine, and set free a living one to finish writing a book he started five years ago. Neither author nor audience knows how it will end, but upon meeting the characters in flesh and blood, I have determined that i am no longer needed within those pages. Not as i have been.

I can no longer be the source, or even part, of another living being's self-hatred. Mine is eating me alive. I can only hope there is something left of me to operate on in April, that Dr. M- recognizes the last remaining scraps of the creature that took off from Orlando International over two years ago. and that he can reconstruct the remains into something stronger, less fragile, more pure.

and that he gives me a lot of fucking morphine while doing it.

So happy valentine's day, kids... and here's to the things that truly bind us. From getting goosebumps while driving and listening to Worlock, to being hallucinatory with sleep deprivation at diner, the way that broken glass shines under the streetlights.. the soft sounds of someone sleeping next to you...and all the words on paper.. all the words online... to all the words that were spoken, and all the words that still remain unspoken, perhaps forever..

this ones for you. and im out of things to say.


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