2005-09-15 20:48:33 ET

"Why can't I just run?" That's the only thought that was going through my mind as I watched the deadbolt on the front door slowly unlock from the outside. It was like the purposeful agony of watching a horror film, you know what's going to happen next but you can't bring yourself to reach over and push the off button and save yourself that momentary cheap thrill.

My entire body began to throb with the increasing loudness of my heartbeat. My entire chest became hollow. Every inhale of air was incredibly cold, I could have sworn there were icicles stemming from my ribcage.

Suddenly I was shoved back into reality. I could feel the blood rushing back into my veins as soon as that barrier between the monster and I was destroyed. I felt as if I took flight when I dove for the door, trying to prevent the intruder from entering and proceeding with whatever motives he had. As I kneeled on my legs I held tight to the door, beads of sweat ran into my eyes and began to mingle with the already existent tears.

A disarray of things swam through my head in the few seconds I had. "Am I gong to die?" "Why couldn't I run, anywhere?" "What has happened to him?" The door was shoved in and I knew the battle had begun.

I sat against the wall, he stepped inside and coolly shut the door behind him. I could see into his eyes, ben though the room was only dimly lit by the street light that shown through the window. His eyes had lost all their passion. Any flicker of righteousness was now totally absent. He was almost soulless, there was voraciousness and an obviously abundant amount of anguish. He eyes were incandescent with ferocity. It felt like an eternity sitting there, searching for some sign of vitality that I could latch onto and pull out so that I could break this new, dreadful shell.

Our gaze was broken when he bent down and placed a tight grip around my arms. I was plucked from my position on the floor and forced into a standing position. For one moment I believed this all might be a joke. He smiled with a slight hint of purity. But my notion was completely incorrect, before I could fully comprehend what was happening his hand had intertwined with my hair and my face had collided with the door handle.

I was shaken up, my mind and heart were competing in a race to see which could pound harder...but amidst it all I was able to keep a clear mind. I knew I would probably die if I couldn't escape this assailants brutal attacks. It would be difficult, but I somehow had to subdue a six foot five, two hundred and seventy 5ive pound man or I could very well spend the night in the intensive care unit. Almost simultaneously as I was thinking this he released me and I had a chance to break away.

"I should kill you", he muttered.

Through the endless stream of tears I pleaded, "Why? Why do you want me to die? Do you really want to hurt me?

And like a true villain he shouted, "More than anything!"

As I took what I believed to be my last quick breath of air and as I tightly shut my eyes, he swiftly thrust his foot into my stomach. I desperately tried to roll over, I coughed hard when I opened my eyes. I looked around trying to confirm that I was still alive. I looked down and in a quick sigh of relief I saw the most delicate pearl of blood drop from my lip and onto the hardwood floor.

He was standing over me, silent and still. Almost waiting for me to move so he could hurt me again and possibly exterminate me this time. But as I bravely edged closer to the carpet and soon the phone I heard the door slam behind me. He was gone.

I whipped the tears and blood away from my face with my damp sweatshirt sleeve and clumsily stammered to my feet. The excruciating pain in my abdomen wasn't going to keep my down. I crawled to the door, locked it, then swiftly crawled to the phone.

I felt like a knight slaying a dragon as I dialed that simple combination of numbers. Hearing the operator on the other line was the biggest relief I could have. For a moment, I considered her my savior. I knew I would be ok.

In the middle of relaying my address to this godsend, I dropped the receiver when I heard that door handle rattle and I saw his figure through the window. I froze like I had before. The scenario was replaying. I had to change the outcome this time.

With specific, dedicated steps I walked to the door, I looked down at the handle. I could see my blood, I turned to the carpet and saw it there too, looking down at my shirt I lifted it up slightly and saw my reddened and lightly bruised flesh. I dropped down against the door and wept. Not because of the pain or because my first love had turned into a heartless brute, but because I could taste my mortality. I took life for granted until it was put in jeopardy.

Eventually the police arrived and he was whisked away, hopefully to a place where he will never get the opportunity to harm anyone ever again.


great fun!!
2005-09-14 16:07:20 ET

go here:

and type something dirty in. ^.^

Positive outlook!!
2005-09-13 20:03:11 ET

If I want to make this relationship work, I need to be positive and just let some shit go.

I do feel that he should hear me out and respect my feelings...

But I love him and I can't be a psycho if I want this to work.


<3 David

I'm going to stab you.
2005-09-13 06:59:42 ET

I feel so betrayed.

I don't know...
2005-09-12 19:16:38 ET

Eck...I have more to write.

I'm listening to "I won't make you" by Something Corporate. First of all, I can't listen to Something Corporate without sobbing, but this specific song is just a heart breaker for me.."Konstantine" does it too me too sometimes.

Something Corporate has a special place in my heart. I lost my virginity to "I won't make you." (weird, huh?). I lost my first true love to "She paints me blue". The first time I cut myself I was listening to "Konstantine".-Something Corporate and I have a history together...

I realize my life is one big melodrama...which a lot of, I create but especially the parts Idon't create, those are hard. Andrew McMahon (along with the lovely Chris Carraba) bring back so many memories.

When I was over weight, when I had stringy/curly/poofy hair or short hair and cut off bangs, when I was a regular "cutter", when I was in a painful and destructive relationship, when I dug fo' reals, when I was nearly a high school drop out...well more of a failure, when I was an abuser...I felt normal.

I feel out of place these days. Good grades, beautiful friends, healthy habits, a clean cut look, being in love, having a good home life, having an acting/singing career that's taking off...just feels odd. I feel out of place, this is all too surreal. I'm more sad now than I was when I should have been a basket case.

What in God's name is there to be upset about? I guess I'm only truly happy when I'm sad.

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