2003-04-29 20:30:05 ET

1 comment

     2003-04-26 07:57:05 ET


     2003-04-01 20:38:40 ET
i'm sick and everything irratates me, everything, i spent twenty minutes yelling at the TV, then made aynie yell at me because i tried to get her to yell at the tv too....

why is the world at large so completely assinine and inane... have become completely agoraphobic over this issue, i'm a conspiracy nut only because i believe that everyone in this entire world has scheme's and alterior motives...i wish i wasn't born intelligent i wish i was born like all of them out there...i wish i was born blissful and forever ignorant, blind and unable to see the propaganda and lies pumped at us from all angles, i wish i could buy clothes from the GAP and that it would make me happy, i wish i never read a drop of robert anton wilson, or never heard of the discordians, or never moved from colorado to indiana, i wish all this shit because this fucking ride is started to make me sick...i look out the windows, behind me the ghetto with people selling crack to each other i look foreward and the millionaire street of meridian and all the lexus's cruise by, i look where i'm standing and see the students and couples who are crossing over that bridge into there late twenties....and i look at myself and all i see are eye's....GREAT BIG EYE's millions of them covering my body like a pox, open and seeing, percieving, taking it all in, my hands are eye's, my legs are eye's, and all i am is vision,

the only absolute truth in this world is that there is no such thing as absolutes....i've said this a thousand times and i have recieved a thousand odd sideways glances...such an obivious contradiction what is wrong with me...its not a contradiction...its the only truth in this world....there is singluarly no absolutes in this world, not a one, all things are empty reflections in your mind of what lies outside of it, glimpse, blurrs of it in the corner of the eye, everyone is dying to grab a hold of something whole and real, but there is no whole and there is no real, all things are immutable liquid, and the harder you grip the quicker it shoots from between your fingers....

once you gain insight you will curse it, you will understand that you have shortened your path, cut down your circle, there is no freedom in enlightenment, its a cage...a cage high above all things with a perfect view...so you can sit and watch everything unroll infront under you...to far away to connect with, and all the screaming just gains you the reputation of mental unstability....the cusp of buddha mind is a high step of transendence from vision and clarity down into simplicity and present state mind...i can not close my eyes there are to many of them....


     2003-03-28 16:34:31 ET


     2003-03-23 21:20:44 ET
i've withdrawn from normal life completely, i don't have a set sleep schedule, i get some times as little as 4 hours a night for days at a time, and when ever i do sleep it almost completely lucid, i can't enter deep sleep anymore, it always half awake half sensical, and i've given in to it, at first i explored lucid sleeping as a form of mind expansion/exploration but now all i can do is let it run its own course, i'm almost more interested in seeing what my own subconscience has boiling up with in it than in trying to control it....in fact fuck that....i am more interested in seeing what it does on its own....

me and aynie have been having those on again off again spats that only couples can, i find myself wanting to be alone for hours at a time, and sometimes when peoples mouths open up i wish that i could disappear, just be somewhere else....its not that its a scary or frightening situation its just that i could care less what they have to say, i would kill to find a conversation i could get rolled up in, but its now impossible, nothing not even this retarded Iraqi sequeal war can inspire emotion with in me....i want to write and create, but i am finding no desire as soon as i'm seated and prepared, i feel like my feet aren't touching the ground....i'm becoming bubble boy again....

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