owwies..2006-09-27 09:56:13 ET

so I'm sitting here sorta in pain.
I feel like i have to pee every 2 minutes.. it hurts when i do. i have sharp pains in my pootie and right side.
it sucks.

i think i might have jason take me to the E.R., after he gets some sleep of course.
I cant sleep feeling like this, so i may not go into work tonight.
if not i need to call in now.

puppies.... *grinning*2006-09-24 22:29:04 ET

So I'm soon going to be the new mommy to a puppy. He is part bull dog.

I'm thinking about naming him Malachi.
I dont know why, i just really like the name.

I'm excited!

I think next week I get to bring him home!

this pup is going to be so spoiled and babied. cause hes gunna be my baby. lol.

new place and puppies.2006-09-24 19:20:24 ET

So, I'll be living with Jason.
We are going to start moving my stuff in this week.
This will give us a chance to have his trailer dont by this time next year, and get some property and whatnot.
like i've said before, he still lives at home, to help his mom with his dad.
His mom asked that we dont sleep in the same bed.
Which, sucks, but we can take naps together and stuff. and i have a place to live, so its not that bad.
i'll live with it.

his sister, Sherry's dog had puppies.
I will be getting one!
I'm excited.
It will help calm down this baby fever, cause i'll be babying the puppy. I have to get a boy though, because Jasons dog is a boy and we dont need chiwawa( i know its spelled wrong, but i like spelling it like this), mini pin , mut and bull dog mixed puppies. they would be some ugly little things.
So I told Sherry, I wanted a black and white one, but she has to pick it out, cause i cant.. i will want all of them then.

so things are looking up.

Jason had a show this weekend, so it gave us some extra cash.
He starts playing acoustic shows this weekend and next week, plus sitting in for another band.
So we'll have even more extra moo-lah.

i've began to start having an emotional break down last night, it was really shitty... cause jason and i were in the middle of... ya know.. and i started bawling like a baby.
for about 2 hours if not more I cried, and would laugh then cry and cry and cry, then laugh alittle and then cry.
it was very very very bad timing for that to happen.
it sucked.
and i'm sure another episode is right around the corner.

it just too much had been going to bad for so long... and now things are getting better.. and i cant handle all of this at once, i believe.

i'm glad things are getting better. i think I deserve it.

prozac and paperwings2006-09-19 21:47:53 ET

So I have about....
give or take a alittle ...
...umm about 3 weeks to find a new place to live.

It has been rough.

When my mom hand me looking for a cheaper place for US there were plenty of cheap trailers in Andrews, but mom couldnt live that far cause she takes a taxi to and from work. So i continuted to look for one in G-Town.
Now mom has decided that I need to " grow up" and "get out in the real world".

So now with that said, now i cant find a place to live close to Jason.
To be honest....
...i cant find anything in G-town or Andrews.
Its rough.

And then people are telling me that because I have bad credit, that I wont be able to get into public housing.
WTF!? ..
..i thought that was what public housing was for.
I thought it was for people who are families having trouble affording a place, or people that are po', like me, that cant afford a place.
I didnt think credit matter in these circumstances.

Jason's sister, Sherry, told me to try habitat for humanity.
they could build me a house.
and that would be something i would live in for the rest of my life.
She said sometimes they even have properties just for rent or something like that.

So here in about 3 hours, i will go outside of this hotel, grab a paper..and continue my search.

I'm just close to a long held out break down.
Everyone keeps saying things will get better, they will be ok. And I try to believe this, and I try to be positive....
but its really hard when its just one thing after the other with maybe a 3 day break inbetween things.
Its just hard to be positive, when most things in your life right now are negitive.
I'm trying my hardest to make a better life for myself here, and it seems the more i try the more life pushes back and is like " huh-uh buddy!, fuck you!..i'm life and I'm a fuckin bitch! mwahahahahahaha!"....
... and if it werent for Jason, I would've done gave up and been back in MD along time ago.

I get anxiety attacks now, my nerves are almost always shot. You guys in the MD, really wouldnt know me like this.
I'm constantly upset.
well i was.
I stay with Jason alot now, cause he makes gthat wieght lift off my shoulders.
I'm sick alot, probably from depression.
I'm trying to be happy, I really do try....but its just hard.

I want to get on medicine, so I can suck it up and make things work out.
But people are like " no ,thats bad for you".

I have an appointment on Oct. 2nd. So I think I will talk to my dr. about it then.

Until then I do my best to make it through each day with a big ol' NiCole smile on my face, sometimes with alittle help from Sister Mary Jane.

Something has to give soon.

Whether it be me, or life...

somethings gotta give.

happy..cute..2006-09-17 21:40:10 ET

these things brighten my day

Look here and then click on Pon and Zi
some more Pon and Zi

they are sooooo frickin' cute!

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