2006-04-02 18:08:29 ET Going through the steps: Gone. Gone? Gone! Gone... silence more gone. gone with evil's speed gone. Gone with no explanation. Good God, gone? How? Overwhelmingly gone. Silence permeates. sobbing echos. Gone?

No angel born in hell....

2006-03-31 12:35:56 ET This frayed rope is about to snap... My tiny hands are balled into fists I'm pummeling the apapthy that makes you exist. HA! That was a cute one. "My hands were clenched in fists of rage no angel born in hell could break that satan's spell." American Pie ~ Don McLean

Everyone knows that ska is just punk rock with horns

2006-03-30 03:25:41 ET Westbound Train - Bloomfield Ave. Cafe and Stage, Montclair, NJ - Saturday March 25, 2006 Oh so in all the drama I forgot to mention that Westbound Train still makes me swoon. Drove to Jersey with a friend on Saturday. Got to the Bloomfield Ave. Cafe early. Was nice in Montclair, weatherwise. We were on the guest list so we got in early...hung out with the band, skanked a bit to the openers, ran away from some. Some of them just make your ears bleed you know? At one point I just accepted that I'm too old to skank for long periods of time to "noise". Even a lot of the young ones just couldn't do it. But anyway, The Train saved the day. Beautifully done, they played for about an hour. Obi opened the show by laying down the riot act..."we're a reggae band. This is going to be a dance party. We are all going to be nice to one another and have good time. Everyone knows that ska is just punk rock with horns!" Of course, this sarcasm illicited a groan from the old heads, but it was still funny. And then we danced the hour away...They played some stuff from the new album then Obi realized no one knew any of it so the band swang back to 5 to two, played a little rock steady and some skin-head reggae and ended of course with "Bigger Things in Mind" sing-along-style. Yes, there have been more draining shows. Yes, there have been shows where the crowd reaches a fever pitch, but hell, it was Jersey and Westbound Train was singing to me. All was well. ******************************** Was reminded of this quotal exchange today (Seems just like life): -Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me that needs killing...It's the man. -I love you so much, and I tried to make you go away. I killed you and it didn't help. And I hate it! I hate that it's so hard... and that you can hurt me so much. I know everything that you did, because you did it to me. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. I can't. -Please. Just this once, let me be strong. -Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to do. And we can do it together. But if you're too much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong in this world, then I don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch. And don't expect me to mourn for you. 3 comments

catharsis

2006-03-28 15:14:54 ET Silence ~ Me "Loss has no sound. It is a solo, slow-motion skank, hand to hat on a slippery two-tone floor. It supercedes trumpet blasts and over amped guitars. Loss comes as if in a vacuum. Always present but never audible. Invisible, yet deadly; the carbon monoxide of life's hardest blows. Loss is the abscence of rhythm; the hole that cannot be filled or practiced away. It is the lung compressing abscence of breath. Loss is an empty parking lot, the moon on the ocean, the pajamas from Atlantic City. Loss is silent. Loss is merciless. A silent killer; an indiscriminate slayer of souls. Loss has no sound but grips with vice-like hands. Loss clings and does not let go. A constant companion, Loss swirls and dances. It bears its claws with constant unexpectedness and gouges deep into the soul. Loss has no sound. It is a solo, slow-motion skank, hand to hat on a slippery two-tone floor." Words ~ Me "I once held your soul. I once held your dreams. I am gentle. do not be afraid. I will never hurt you. Your dreams are safe with me. I will cloak your soul in softest velvet Do not be afraid. I will not fail." Lyrics with a hidden message: Breathe (2AM) ~ Anna Nalick "2AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake, "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season" Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes Like they have any right at all to criticize, Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason 'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss "Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist, "Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year." Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles, Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it. Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button, boys, So cradle your head in your hands, And breathe... just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe There's a light at each end of this tunnel, You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again If you only try turning around. 2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable, And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand. and breathe, just breathe woah breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe, Oh breathe, just breathe."

awwww....ooohhh, ow!

2006-03-28 14:54:16 ET The Postal Service ~ Such Great Heights "I was thinking it's a sign That the freckles in our eyes Are mirror images and when we kiss They're perfectly aligned And I have to speculate That God himself did make us Into corresponding shapes Like puzzle pieces from the clay And true, it may seem like a stretch But it's thoughts like this that catch My troubled head when you're away When I am missing you to death When you are out there on the road For several weeks of shows And when you scan the radio I hope this song will guide you home They will see us waving from such great heights "Come down now," they'll say But everything looks perfect from far away "Come down now," but we'll stay . . . I tried my best to leave This all on your machine But the persistent beat It sounded thin upon listening And that frankly will not fly You will hear the shrillest highs And lowest lows with the windows down When this is guiding you home They will see us waving from such great heights "Come down now," they'll say But everything looks perfect from far away "Come down now," but we'll stay..." Also: What a strange website I found here: http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1512314

How about that?

2006-03-27 18:21:34 ET On Certain Nights ~ 10-3-01 On certain nights When I am lying awake, in bed...alone... sheets virgin white ceremoniously starched, pressed, stretched and tugged flat coolly caressing me. I think of you. Even though, I don’t yet know you. I think of you and you come. You come... delving into me. I only know you by the spastic little spasms that make you shudder as you dip into me. Your fingers - memorizing my every curve. My fingers - coming alive -hypersensitive- as I encircle you. We tango in liquid motion; The choreographer’s wet dream goes on for hours wrinkling starched sheets. Even our breathing puffing perfectly in sync. Moonlight finds us entwined...exhausted... you singing softly, lullabies in my ear; me drifting off to dreams. On certain mornings When I awake, in bed...alone... sheets virgin white ceremoniously pressed, starched, stretched and tugged flat coolly caressing me. I don’t yet know you so I consent to dream a little while longer. 4 comments

2006-03-27 18:10:08 ET I Have Loved Him ~ 9-27-99 I have loved him. I have loved him in ways that are unimaginable. I have held his head to my breast and cradled it there. Never speaking a word. The beat of my heart soothing his every pain. I have touched his face in the softest way and stroked the skin there. Healing him. Loving him. I have held him in my heart. I have held in my soul. “The prayers I say at night, are for him.” “The color of my eyes belongs to him.” My very heart is full of his essence. I would pull down the moon and stars if he asked for them. I would hand over the sun and never let it burn him. I have kissed him, soft and full. I have kissed away his pains and kissed away his sorrows. I have seen the joy that lies deep within his eyes. I have seen the scars etched across his heart. I have seen his very soul, bared to me, open and honest. I have seen his heart, there in his hands, “bleeding before me”, as he offered it to me in a silent penance. For the pain he has caused my heart. For the worry he has caused my soul. All this I have known in a darkened room, on a stormy night. When the candles burned bright and the wind hammered the windows, and I was alone. 2 comments

poem by me

2006-03-27 17:55:01 ET Drip into my silence slowly with as much stealth as you can muster. Slide into my night-time reverie and ensconce my memories.

Lyrics I have in my head...

2006-03-27 17:53:46 ET "Raining in Baltimore" ~ Counting Crows This circus is falling down on its knees The big top is crumbling down It's raining in Baltimore fifty miles east Where you should be, no one's around I need a phone call I need a raincoat I need a big love I need a phone call These train conversations are passing me by And I don't have nothing to say You get what you pay for But I just had no intention of living this way I need a phone call I need a plane ride I need a sunburn I need a raincoat And I get no answers And I don't get no change It's raining in Baltimore, baby But everything else is the same There's things I remember and things I forget I miss you I guess that I should Three thousand five hundred miles away But what would you change if you could? I need a phone call Maybe I should buy a new car I can always hear a freight train If I listen real hard And I wish it was a small world Because I'm lonely for the big towns I'd like to hear a little guitar I think it's time to put the top down I need a phone call I need a raincoat

Good Advice

2006-03-26 14:20:38 ET Kiss an Angel Good Morning ~ Myles Heather "Whenever I chance to see, some old friends on the street, They ask me: "How does a woman get to feel this way?" I've always got a smilin' face, anytime and any place. Every time they ask me: "Why?" I just smile and say: You've got to kiss an angel good morning, Let her know you think about her when you're gone. Kiss an angel good morning, Love her like the devil when you get back home. Well, people may try to guess, the secret of happiness. Some of them never learn, and it's a simple thing. The secret I was speakin' of is a woman and a man in love. The answer is in this song that I always sing. You've got to kiss an angel good morning, Let her know you think about her when you're gone. Kiss an angel good morning, Love her like the devil when you get back home. Kiss an angel good morning, Let her know you think about her when you're gone. Kiss an angel good morning, Love her like the devil when you get back home."

:o(

2006-03-26 12:55:03 ET Apparently, it is worth it to cry. It just took a few days to catch up to me. 2 comments

Poem

2006-03-25 07:00:04 ET You dropped the ball. I watched it fall from your hands with amazing speed and grace. The sound it made was silence. It smelled of ash and flame. The shattered crystalline pieces arranged so mishapenly on the ground. We stood and stared and cried in guilt. I pressed the pieces to your hand the tears you cried were shame. Crystalline fossils of yesterday haunt the walls of our memory.

Aw shit.

2006-03-25 06:48:52 ET He didn't show up. I can't believe it; he didn't show up. I waited and waited and waited. He didn't come. How is it possible to do that to someone you said you loved enough to marry? How is it possible to do that to someone who loves you so much? He just took everything I ever gave him and pissed all over it. I'm so used to being dissapointed at this point, I'm not even sure it's worth it to cry. I found this letter buried in my "drafts" box of my email. When I found it it sent a sword straight through my heart. Actual physical pain. It's from last June. I wrote it and I can't remember if I ever even sent it. I just think it's amazing how far we have fallen so fast... It's amazing how he could drop the ball I thought he had such a tight hold on and even more amazing how much of the sentiment in this letter has survived the smashing demise of klutziness. "My Darling, I wonder what you're up to right now. Obviously, I'm just sitting around the house with my big, furry dog at the moment. I do hope that you are feeling better today. I've had a long day... First, I went to church, then I went to my house where I attempted to get the kitchen cleaned up! Ha! What a laugh that was! It took me nearly an hour just to move the refridgerator ( I don't think I spelled that right.) so that I could clean the floor underneath it! Then when I finally got it moved I found that I had taken it off of the boards that were keeping it level...**rolls eyes** needless to day, until I found the level in the shed and had my Dad come to help me tip the stupid thing, it took a while...So, now I have a very clean and balanced fridge and that's about it. Oh, also I have a furry dog slobbering on my feet, but that's another thing entirely. Funny, I don't usually send you emails do I? Well, I am today... So then, I went to my parents' house and had dinner with them, packed up a few things and came back to my sister's place. I figured I should water the plants since it didn't rain today and it was incredibly hot and sunny here. Um, ya, garden hoses are heavy. Well, at least this one weighed a ton! You had to see how absolutely hysterical I looked all tangeld up in garden hose that was way to heavy for me to be trying to lug around. Why I didn't just use the watering can is a mystery even to me...but I eventually got the garden work done and skimmed the pool cause it was gross. Then I threw our towels in the wash and decided that since I was sweating enough to dehydrate me any second, I had better jump in the pool and cool off. Best idea I ever had. The water temp. was well above 80 degrees so it was like swimming in a pleasantly cooled bathtub. I just rolled right over onto my back and looked at the sky. The sun was just starting to get low so I had this incredible view of these really wonderfully opulent altocumulus clouds. The moon was on one side of me and the sun sinking low on the other. I just laid there and stared at the sky. I pretended that I was flying. And, I just thought about how mind-numbing the earth really is. I wish you could have been there to wallow in the moment with me. It was so beautiful. Seriously, it was so relaxing. I could have stayed there forever, but the timer went off on the washing machine and I kinda needed towels so I had to come in. Anyway, that was my day. Now I'm sitting here in my bathing suit and towel and wishing that you were here. I'm getting a sense of how quiet a house can be when the one you love isn't there with you. Not that I'm scared or even really lonely, I have the dog and all, and he's a pretty good companion. I just miss you when you're gone. I'm so looking forward to seeing you every day. Sometimes, it's more than words can say. Sometimes, you really do just have to guess how much I love you and know that it's more than that. It's more than what you're guessing. Sometimes, it just overwhelms me to the point where my heart feels so full and I can't stop smiling. I think you're just wonderful. I'm so proud to know that I get to be your wife. Yours. I get to be the wife of Chris Manley and it makes me so full and happy and content. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate and admire you. I can't tell you enough how one kiss, one word, one look from you can make my heart sing for hours. Just knowing that I get to hear your voice at the end of my day makes my world a little better. And, now with an end in sight...or perhaps, I should call it a beginning, I can't tell you enough how much I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm going to tell you that every day until the day I can't say it anymore. It's a solid, foundational truth and it needs to be said; it needs to be heard, and it needs to be remembered. I love you, my darling. Your girl"

Tog in the machine

2006-03-20 08:19:17 ET Tog in the Machine ~ Me We no longer function as a unit; there's a tog in the machine. Can't someone reach into the gears and pull the fucker free? Indifference is the mask you wear Mine was never close I can not lie to save my soul I miss you more the most. It wasn't all that long ago we set each other free a stronger wind is blowing now I wish we could agree. Time has marched and wounds have healed I'm waiting by the road The dust is high, the air is thick I'm hoping to be told. Have some mercy, lie to me pretend that you don't care I won't believe you anyway The words your eyes won't share. I wait here with my suitcase until the golden hour. It's what the faithful do when lovers hold the power. A second less a second more the clock ticks on in time, The chime will tell what's in your heart; the jury weighs the crime. A faithful heart has waited here; a faithful heart you'll greet. I hold and hope and wait to see if you walk down the street. 7 comments

And God said, "Let there be music".

2006-03-20 03:37:46 ET Rascal King ~ MMB "Well he was fueled by a lack Drew inspiration from a need So many problems to crack And mouths to feed Crooked was the path And brazen was the walk A cocky swagger, up the ladder And could he ever talk The last hurrah? Nah! I'd do it again The Rascal King behind the bars Or the one in front of them The love of God And constant contradictions With just a smile, wink or nod What's stranger fact or fiction? And never ceasing to amaze On a regular basis First hand into his pocket Or first fist into the faces The last hurrah? Nah! I'd do it again The Rascal King behind the bars Or the one in front of them A legendary character When? Only then Where? Only there A hero or a hooligan? Well, that part's never clear Pride or shame, it's all the same Who's innocent or who's to blame? Politics or just a game? Well in the end they knew his name The last hurrah? Nah! I'd do it again The Rascal King behind the bars Or the one in front of them"

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