2006-01-31 15:08:03 ET It is your silence that slays you in the darkness of your deciet. It is your silence that has choked the last life breaths from your hope. It is you who have chosen silence. 4 comments

Getting to know you...

2006-01-30 16:19:14 ET Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just do it. Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it into a new email you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send it to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends. 1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? grey 2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? How to Kill a Rock Star by Tiffany Debartolo 3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? no mouse pad.... 4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? yahtzee 5. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? cow poop and seafood (not necessiarly together mind you!) 6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU GET UP? What time it is? 7. FAVORITE COLOR? blue 8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? orange 9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 2 10.BIRTH NAME: Jen 11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla <---like Mom!<BR> 12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? No, I'm a grandma driver I've been told 13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No, but I do miss my Teddy!! 14. DO YOU LIKE THUNDER STORMS? Yes, with lots of lightning. <---like Mom!<BR> 15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Ford Escort (hatchback...) 16. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Aries 17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? broccoli...yummy 18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD IT BE? veterinarian <---like Mom!<BR> 19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? reddish-brown 20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL, OR HALF EMPTY? half full <---like Mom!<BR> 21. FAVORITE MOVIE? The Big Lebowski 22. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? always <---like Mom!<BR> 23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? a rolled up carpet 24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 7 25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? none, but if I had to choose one I'd say figure skating 26. YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN? the "do as I say not as I do" kind of people 27. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Janelle 28. PERSON LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL? Mom since she sent it to me 29. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Ketchup. 30. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOGS? Hamburgers 31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? sweater weather- winter 32. THE BEST PLACES THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? toughie...every place is as good as you make it. 33. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? A blue shore with rocks. 34. FAVORITE FAST FOOD? Yo quiero Taco Bell!

:o)

2006-01-28 19:28:38 ET I am adding this to my journal/blog for posterity's sake only. This is much against the will of many people, but I want to remember... Someone said this to me today and it almost made me choke: "Listen. A blind man could see...no, no, a blind man with a stick in his eye could see that what you want is Chris...but without the baggage. Too bad that's not likely to happen. And I'm not saying this for my own selfish reasons I'm just saying that it's not likely." I wonder if he's right about the not likely part...probably...:o) Oh incidentally, I ran into this boy that I've had a big, sloppy crush on for something like a decade and change. He seemed so happy to see me. He still looks beautiful. We haven't seen each other in almost a year and he complimented me on my new haircut and color! What kind of guy remembers that?! So when I told him that I wasn't getting married anymore (because he asked about it) he got all giddy and goes basically: "So now I finally get my chance". Sometimes I just shake my head at the wonderment of it all.

blah

2006-01-28 07:12:14 ET As the end of the month approaches I find my self made physically ill...literally. Like barfing up the cocktails ill. I think one of my school kids breathed on me the wrong way. Those children are seriously just like little petri dishes. Anyway, all is well. Have lots to tell and not the time now. Perhaps will update later when I am not supposed to be listening to this professor! Ha!

Whheee! I thought as much....

2006-01-20 15:11:27 ET You are a true nature girl! Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? brought to you by Quizilla

Random Quotes...I'm into this suddenly

2006-01-20 14:31:10 ET "Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." ~ Anonymous From: That 70's Show - "I gotta win her back becuase I can't stop the tears, man!" ~ Kelso "All men take all women for granted all the time." ~ Jackie "Here's the thing...You're assuming that you're good enough for Donna and you're not." ~ Red Sky High ~ Jigsaw "Blown Round By The Wind Thrown Down In a Spin I Gave You Love I Thought That We Had Made It To The Top I Gave You All I Had To Give Why Did It Have To Stop You've Blown It All Sky High By Telling Me a Lie Without a Reason Why You've Blown It All Sky High You, You've Blown It All Sky High Our Love Had Wings To Fly We Could Have Touched The Sky You've Blown It All Sky High Up Round I've Flown Then Down Down Like a Stone I Gave You Love..." 4 comments

Nonsensical sense from That 70's Show

2006-01-19 16:48:17 ET From: Eric's Burger Job Jackie: You know sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up. You see, one day, I want a house. And kids. And maybe a chandelier. And if you can't give me those things Michael, then this is all a big waste of time. You just, you gotta try harder... Wait, Michael, something feels wet. Kelso, to himself: Dear Penthouse... Jackie: No, no, you popped the waterbed! Kelso: It must've been my roach clip. Jackie, maybe they won't notice. Jackie: I am in love with a doofus. From: Kiss of Death Jackie: Donna, we’re supposed to be friends. Would it have killed you to say, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk? Donna: Jackie, I think my exact words were, I know you love him, but Michael’s a jerk. 5 comments

Which Classic Pin Up Girl Are You?

2006-01-17 17:21:49 ET Apparently I am: The Love Kitten Take this quiz! http://www.quizilla.com/redirect.php?statsid=18&url=http://www.quizilla.com/[/img" target=_blank>Quizilla | Join | Make a Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code 2 comments

Mourning..."I miss you. Not enough to want you back, just enough for it to hurt"

2006-01-17 03:22:53 ET I've finally been given the permission to mourn. Someone finally validated the death that has taken place. Someone finally said, what I've been thinking..."it's so much more than a breakup. It's a death, really. You need to take the time to mourn this death." Someone finally said the words I needed to hear. "You couldn't really have done anything but give your all to that realtionship. By virtue of who you are it would have been impossible for you to do anything different." Someone told me what I know to be true: "The only way you two can ever see this through is if you totally let go of him and all that has happened. He's not your responsibility any more. He's God's. Let God work with him. Let Jesus be the Messiah He is meant to be." Someone finally verbalized my validity as a human being: "You deserve so much better. He does not even have the capacity to love you the way you need to be loved; the way you deserve to be loved. He does not even have the capacity. He does not know how to love you. He may never have the ablility. You need to let go completely and give it to God. If God has taken away a relationship that meant so much to you and made up so much of who you are, just think of what He is going to replace it with! It's going to be so much better! Where He closes a door, He opens a window." Seems after my flip out, a few days back I've come shooting out of the end of the proveribal dark tunnel and come squalling into peace. It's a quiet place that I'm in. Death has no holds here. I'm sad, true, but I'm living and breathing is easier each day. I'm moving on, moving forward. Getting it together; and when I feel like crying, I cry. When I feel like laughing, I laugh. Moving forward and working through the mourning is good. I might even write some new poems...for now, some quotes that a friend sent me...a little pathetic but timely just the same. "I have no regrets. I will never regret loving someone because the feeling of love for five minutes is greater than an eternity of hurt." ~ Kurt Langner "To continue loving somebody even though there's no chance of that love ever thriving...that's romance" ~Dawsons Creek "It's sad to think you'll never be mine, it's even sadder to realize I knew it all the time" "Sometimes i wish i had never met you, because then i could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there" ~Good Will Hunting

HA HA!

2006-01-16 16:44:03 ET You Are a Boston Creme Donut You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. What Donut Are You? [url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatdonutareyouquiz/[/url] 2 comments

Christian Babblings...

2006-01-15 20:30:22 ET For Me: Heart of Worship "When the music fades All is stripped away And I simply come Longing just to bring Something that's of worth That will bless Your heart I'll bring You more than a song For a song in itself Is not what You have required You search much deeper within Through the way things appear You're looking into my heart I'm coming back to the heart of worship And it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it When it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus King of endless worth No one could express How much You deserve Though I'm weak and poor All I have is Yours Every single breath I'll bring You more than a song For a song in itself Is not what You have required You search much deeper within Through the way things appear You're looking into my heart I'm coming back to the heart of worship And it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it And it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus I'm coming back to the heart of worship, And it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it And it's all about You, It's all about You, Jesus" Casting crowns ~ Who am I "Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth, Would care to know my name, Would care to feel my hurt, Who am I? That the Bright and Morning Star, Would choose to light the way, For my ever wandering heart, Not because of who I am, But because of what You've done, Not because of what I've done, But because of who You are, I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow, A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean), A vapor in the wind, Still You hear me when I'm calling, Lord, You catch me when I'm falling, And You've told me who I am.. I am Yours. Who am I? That the eyes that see my sin, Would look on me with love, and watch me rise again, Who am I? That the voice that calmed the sea, Would call out through the rain, And calm the storm in me, Not because of who I am, But because of what You've done, Not because of what I've done, But because of who You are, I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow, A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean), A vapor in the wind, Still You hear me when I'm calling, Lord, You catch me when I'm falling, And You've told me who I am... I am Yours, I am Yours. I am Yours, Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I fear? 'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours." Here I Go Again ~ Casting Crowns "Father, hear my prayer I need the perfect words Words that he will hear And know they're straight from You I don't know what to say I only know it hurts To see my only friend slowly fade away So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life With Your fire in my eyes But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words What am I so afraid of? Chorus: 'Cause here I go again Talkin 'bout the rain And mulling over things that won't live past today And as I dance around the truth Time is not his friend This might be my last chance to tell him That You love Him But here I go again, here I go again Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son If he will just believe; he will never die But how then will he know what he has never heard Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life This might be my last chance to tell him That You love him This might be my last chance to tell him That You love him You love him, You love him What Am I so afraid What am I so afraid What am I so afraid of? How then will he know What he has never heard" For you: "Voice of Truth" ~ Casting Crowns Oh what I would do to have The kind of faith it takes To climb out of this boat I'm in on to the crashing waves To step out of my comfort zone Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is And He's holding out His hand But the waves are calling out my name And they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The waves they keep on telling me Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!" "You'll never win!" Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth Oh what I would do to have The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant With just a sling and a stone Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors Shaking in their armor Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand But the giant's calling out my name And he laughs at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed The giant keeps on telling me Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!" "You'll never win!" Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth But the stone was just the right size To put the giant on the ground And the waves they don't seem so high On top of them lookin' down I will soar with the wings of eagles When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus Singing over me Chorus: But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!" And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me) I will choose to listen and believe- I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth I will listen and believe I will listen and believe the Voice of truth I will listen and believe Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth And I will listen to you, you are-

Let It be...

2006-01-14 07:16:37 ET So wisdom from the Beatles is guiding this day: "Let it Be." Followed quickly by the Bible: "Have faith." And then by a gem from the nostalgic Buffyverse: "It's so weird....Every time something like that happens, my first instinct is to run and tell Angel." Started my grad. courses on Thursday and today. In today's class I get to hand in a short film as a final project. I'm so happy. Couldn't wait to tell his ghost...**sigh** Which made me think about things that consternate me. Consternated on the following: We said when we met we would talk all about all the things we wanted to say all month. What if I can't remember them and just sit there like an idiot? 2 Songs that made me a little misty today: Out of My Head ~ Fastball "Sometimes I feel Like I am drunk behind the wheel The wheel of possibility However it may roll Give it a spin See if you can somehow factor in You know there's always more than one way To say exactly what you mean to say Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind? How could I have ever been so blind? I was waiting for an indication It was hard to find Don't matter what I say only what I do I never mean to do bad things to you So quiet but I finally woke up If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too" Fourth of July ~ Shooter Jennings "Alone with the morning burning red on the canvas in my head Painting a picture of you And me driving across country, in a dusty old RV Just the road and its majesty And I'm looking at you with the world in the rear view You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be, With me on the 4th of July We sang Stranglehold to the stereo Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along Those white lines get drawn into the sun if you aint got no one To keep you hanging on And there you were like a queen in your nightgown, riding shotgun from town to town Staking a claim on the world we found And I'm singing to you, you're singing to me, you were out of the blue to a boy like me You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be, With me on the 4th of July We sang Stranglehold to the stereo Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along and I'm looking for you in the silence that we share You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be, With me on the 4th of July We sang Stranglehold to the stereo Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along..."

Here Comes the Sun...

2006-01-11 18:38:45 ET Ah ha! Feeling better today. Spent evening with fellow skaheads, like actually in person. Listened to Green Day really loud. Is good. Am a bit bummed that I'm going to have to miss some upcoming shows but guess that's how it goes when you are a poor grad. student. Someone who goes to the 3-floors of Ska show on the 20th, puh-leaze let me know how it goes?! I'm poor and can barely afford bus fair. I had really been looking forward to that show this time around too. **sigh** I'm driving myself crazy tonight trying to remember the name of a little club in Montclair, NJ where we saw the Slackers, the Soul Merchants and Westbound train. Think it may have been at the Bloomfield Ave. Cafe and Stage. Only can remember that we saw Westbound there on Oct. 25, 2003. Anyone? Anyone? **grrrr** Looking forward to my Jamaica trip. Marley is already my constant companion. Why not go there right? Ooh and in the middle of March! Yeee heee! *********************************************************** Let Herself Go ~ George Strait "He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye. Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night. But he had no idea, when he hit the road, That without him in her life, she'd let herself go. Let herself go on a singles cruise, To Vegas once, then to Honolulu. Let herself go to New York City: A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty. When he said he didn't love her no more, She let herself go. She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch. Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants. Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note, And without him there to stop her, she let herself go. Let herself go on her first blind-date: Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake. Let herself go, buy a brand new car, Drove down to the beach he always said was too far. Sand sure felt good between her toes: She let herself go on a singles cruise, To Vegas once, then to Honolulu. Let herself go to New York City: A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty. When he said he didn't love her no more, She let herself go. To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City. Came back knocked-out pretty..." 4 comments

"Come back baby, the joke is done, so come on home..."

2006-01-10 17:50:38 ET Come home. You want it on your terms. So do I. You want to have to fight for me. So do I. Come home. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but honey you don't have to wander, to make me say, those three words..." ~ Vic. Every Light in the House is On ~ Trace Atkins "I told you I’d leave a light on In case you ever wanted to come back home You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture I took your every word to heart ’cause I can’t stand us being apart And just to show how much I really miss ya Every light in the house is on The backyard’s bright as the crack of dawn Thr front walk looks like runway lights It’s kinda like noon in the dead of night Every light in the house is on Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone Every light in the house is on If I should ever start forgetting I’ll turn the lights off one by one So you can see that I agree it’s over But until then I want you to know If you look south, you’ll see a glow That’s me waiting at home each night to hold ya Every light in the house is on The backyard’s bright as the crack of dawn Thr front walk looks like runway lights It’s kinda like noon in the dead of night Every light in the house is on Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone Every light in the house is on" Home ~ Michael Buble "Another summer day Has come and gone away In Paris and Rome But I wanna go home Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Oh I miss you, you know And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you Each one a line or two I’m fine baby, how are you? Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough My words were cold and flat And you deserve more than that Another aeroplane Another sunny place I’m lucky I know But I wanna go home I’ve got to go home Let me go home I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything was going right And I know just why you could not Come along with me But this was not your dream But you always believed in me Another winter day has come And gone away And even Paris and Rome And I wanna go home Let me go home And I’m surrounded by A million people I Still feel alone Oh, let me go home Oh, I miss you, you know Let me go home I’ve had my run Baby, I’m done I gotta go home"

Sound of Silence

2006-01-10 03:14:15 ET Because I am committed to trying to shuck through this together - meaning: work it out and get back together - and I believed that he was too but it seemed that he was so not; last night I had the equilvalent of a domestic dispute with nobody; becuase nobody was around to hear me yell. It's amazing how hunger and anger can be such powerful motivators to go off the deep end. Last night, I felt myself pulling toward obsessive and it scared the shit out of me. The light of morning and the little bit of sleep that I actually got have left me with the following conclusions. I woke up this morning to a catasrophe. Wreakage everywhere. I really pulled down the house around me (metaphorically speaking of course) last night. The dust was still settling when I opened my eyes. This morning, a rested brain thought the following things. You will not become obessessive over this. He is gone and you must accept this because you can not bring him back if he does not want to come back. The silence around me was defeaning as I realized that perhaps it was a good thing that he did not play into my madness. Talking to him last night would have made it 10 times worse and I'm sure that he knew that. If he is going to see other people, I can't stop him. When I said that I was going to, I was bullshitting. (I can barely fathom the idea through the pieces of my broken heart. It's just too soon.) I made a gamble, I lost. That's ok. Shit happens. I thought that we were in agreement at our last speaking to hold on and try to work this all out, together. I thought that had he decided he did not want to do that any longer, he would have had the courtesy to tell me. I thought that he might wait longer, grieve a little more. I hate the idea that he could be so callous as to go back out there so soon after our broken engagement. It hurts to me the core - sometimes more than I can bear- to think of him with someone else. The only way I knew how to express that was through anger. Tears didn't seem appropriate. But it's ok. What he does while we are apart is what he does. I don't have to like it, but I don't have to be upset by it either. And then, of course, there is the idea that I'm entirely wrong. When we were still in college, I used to feel like he deliberately would put us in situations that would force me to trust him. I feel like that again. Is that the plan? Don't let me know what you're up to? Don't talk to me and force me to chose if I trust you to be living the straight and narrow when I'm not around; because if I can't trust you to do it when I'm not around then what's the point? That sounds like some point he might try to prove. Maybe he's setting me up. Think about it. I spend all month wondering if he's actually going to call and then wham! he does. There I am, proven wrong. Hrm. That sounds like him too. I realize that I do not have any idea what I am talking about. Yes, it's entirely possible that he has moved on. That my informant was correct. Then again, it's entirely possible that he hasn't. There is always the hopeful possibility that he's just not calling because he knows that it would only make it worse right now, or because I told him not to and that it's not because he's out galavanting with some other, younger girl. All tragedy aside...I blew up - I lost my cool, flipped my lid, went WAY over the proverbial deep end - however you want to say it, I lost control and said a whole lot of shit that's been backing up in my mind. Despite having done all this, in my opinion, and seen clearly in the light of day, I haven't really said anything he didn't already know or that I haven't already said. I just said it all at once this time. That being the case, then nothing really has changed. I still miss him. I still wish things were different. I'm still angry. I still want and believe that I deserve an apology and I still hope that he gets it together and comes on back. Added to that, I now am hoping that his getting it together does not include getting with another girl. If I know him, he's probably gone non-verbal because he believes that nothing he can say I am going to believe at this point. He's probably right. But that shouldn't stop him from trying, because it's like I always told him: actions speak louder than words. So to sum up: Despite me freaking out, I don't think things have changed all that much for me or him. And despite being livid I'd still like to see him and find out how things are going on his end. So perhaps at the end of the month the phone will ring...who knows... And so, I chose to live with the knowledge that in spite of all that has happened, I love his sorry self. I chose to believe that he still loves me, and that he knows my anger is natural and legitimate. I chose to believe that he respects me enough to know that moving on right away is probably a bad idea because it shuts out any possibility of us ever working this out. I chose to believe that what he said about "When I'm ready to date again, you are the first one I'm coming for," he was telling the truth. Right now, I chose to believe that nothing has changed. I chose to believe that he loves me and that he misses me. I just wish I knew if I were right? How about a sign? A secret message? Anything? **sigh**

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