2005-12-19 03:31:53 ET

And weeping she lay down...

Westbound Train
2005-12-13 08:37:57 ET

Because I Can

"Standing on the border
Looking out into the great unknown
I can feel my heart beating faster as I step out on my own
There's a new horizon and the promise of favorable wind
I'm heading out tonight, traveling light
I'm gonna start all over again

And buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (Because I can)
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know (Because I can)
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Gonna climb the mountain
And look the eagle in the eye
I won't let fear clip my wings and tell me how high I can fly
How could I have ever believed
That love had to be so blind
When freedom was waiting, down at the station
All I had to do was make up my mind

And buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (Because I can)
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know (Because I can)
I will face the world around me
Knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in love again
Because I can

Well, I have walked through the fire
And crawled on my knees through the valley of the shadow of doubt
Then the truth came shining like a light on me and now I can see my way out

I'm gonna buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
See how far I can go (Because I can)
I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
And talk to someone I don't know
I'm gonna buy a one way ticket on a west bound train
Gonna have my breakfest with some pink champagne
I'm gonna sail the ocean, I'm gonna spread my wings
Gonna climg that mountain
gonna do everyting"

Remo must have been told...If not, then God is whispering in his ear
2005-12-10 06:31:28 ET

MercyIsFalling03: you're walking along, all alone, and suddenly out of know where, a remo comes towards you at violent speeds with open arms

MercyIsFalling03: *HUG*

Little Yellow Notes of Sanity
2005-12-09 16:39:38 ET


Hanging on to Kelly's little yellow post it notes for dear life. They hold the snswer to everything. "You did the right thing. Things will get better, I promise. You will get through this." They're all crumpled now, but still my life support.

Thank God, for her. Every time I go to pick up the phone I see her face and know that I just can't.

I really, really, really want to call him right now. I want to call him and make everything right. Say how sorry I am, that this has all happened. Pretend that none of this ever happened. Just tell him about my day and listen to his. I just want to hear his voice right now, just the way things used to be. I want things just how they always were. I want my life back.

Every dream I ever had has been completely obliterated. I'm just so freakin' sad.


When do I get to go home?
2005-12-09 12:45:58 ET

Heard this song. It made me cry. Then again, what doesn't? Miss him so very, very much.

Home ~ Michale Buble

"Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"

Thoughts while trying to eat
2005-12-09 12:41:39 ET

So, calmed down a bit now that a few hours have passed.

Woke up very, very hung over...and looking forward to the case of Lager Jen is bringing. No school today...as was predicted. Spent morning shoveling out car as it was buried.

He called today. Kelly would have bitch slapped me, had she have been here when I decided it was a good idea to answer. When I heard the ring, I felt that old familiar sinking feeling in my stomach. Almost burst into tears, but managed to answer. He wants to know why I can't believe that this hurts him as much as it hurts me. At first, I couldn't answer. Now, after thinking all day, I realize that the answer is simple. I can't believe it because nothing he ever said was true. Why should this be true? He never treated me like he loved me, why should I believe that he's dying inside? I mean, really why should I have to teach the man who suppsoedly loves me to hold a door or let me out of a row first or, help me with my coat? I mean, for crying out loud. Don't manners show love? And those simple things he never really got right just got frustrated when he decided to be a dishonest, cheating, snake-in the-grass, dream-stealing mother-fucker. What the hell was I thinking?

Exactly how am I supposed to feel when he comes out with his new therapist talk and tells me that "I'm not getting better so we can be together, I'm getting better so that I can live in the world like a normal person." That's great I suppose. But what the hell about me?! When do I get my turn to be fucking happy? Didn't I give enough without being asked to wait another eternity for a man who may or may not get better? I love him, there's not doubt about that, but frankly, I deserve better. And there has to be better out there!

There are little remnants of him all over my house. Old receipts from places we've been or record shops we went to, cards, letters, flower petals, presents...Some idiot put the same, cheap, generic soap that he uses in my shower, so now whenever I go into the bathroom, I have to smell him too, like breathing isn't hard enough.

Going to give him the ring registrations when I see him tomorrow. Can't sell the damn thing without the papers and he might as well get some money for it.

Really, who gets the cat? I just don't know what to do about her.

He tells me that he's told his father, he hasn't told mine yet and I can't wait to hear that story.

I wish I really knew what his new "friends" told him to do. I wish I knew what he said to his father and what his father said back to him. His friends probably told him that he was better of without me. I have no idea what his father would have said. I wish I knew the answers to these questions.

Oh God help me. I miss his sorry ass so much. It's really evident when I re-read what I've written, how quickly my emotions are cycling....

I miss him...I loved him...I say "loved" because I no longer feel safe telling him that I love him. He's hurt me too much and too deep and I really don't know if he's going to grow into a man who's strong enough to come looking for me later on...I hope he does. I'd like to give it another try, but that's just me, little Miss Forgiving...What the hell is wrong with me?

What should I drink tonight? The constant tears have stopped for the moment, maybe because I've been keeping so busy. I dread the night-time. I have to sleep. I have to sleep knowing that his warm body is never going to be next to mine, that's he's never going to reach out across our bed for me, knowing that I'm not going to feel his warm, soft kisses for a long, long time. I have to try to sleep without my nightly phone call...without telling him about my day and listening to his. Thank God, I have good friends that I can call at any hour of the morning or night...

I have to see him tomorrow....what else can I say? I have no idea how I feel about that all I know is what I feel right now. Every heart beat whispers the same words and it hurts to breathe.

I miss him...I miss him...I miss him...I miss him...I miss him...I miss him...

Break Down Here ~ Julie Roberts

"Mile marker 203
The gas gauge leanin on the edge of E
I'll be danged if the rain ain't pourin down
Somethin smokin underneath the hood
It's a-bangin and a-clangin and it can't be good
It's another 50 miles to the nearest town
Everything I own is in the back in a Hefty bag
I'm outta cigarettes and I'm down to my last drag

I'd sure hate to break down here
Nothin up ahead or in the rear-view mirror
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin
God help me keep me movin somehow
Don't let me start wishin I was with him now
I've made it this far without cryin a single tear
I'd sure hate to break down here

Under fifty-thousand miles ago
Before the bad blood and busted radio
You said I was all you'd ever need
Love is blind and little did I know
That you were just another dead-end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams
Baby leavin you is easier than bein gone
I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong

It's to late to turn around
I'd sure hate to break down here"

stupid stupid stupid
2005-12-09 06:01:30 ET

Found more of his hidden shit....fucker told me he got rid of it all.

2005-12-08 19:00:53 ET


Made first outing since the breakup, am now home from a Christmas party where I was surrounded by good-looking men. Drank just a bit too much. Feeling slightly woozy. Know it will help me sleep better.

Kelly just called. No school tomorrow. Big storm a' comin. Wish there was school. School makes me not have time to think. She kept sending little notes over all day...or dropping off candy. With notes attached telling me that I did the right thing. Reminding me that if everything I told her was true, then I definitely did the right thing. Telling me that for the past 2 days, she's envied me because she wishes that she had been strong enough to do it herself a year ago. Now the divorce is killing her and it would have been easier to do then. Seriously, without her, I don't know what I'd do. It's hearing the words: "We got your hack. I'll stand by you no matter what happens." Make such a difference. Helps me get through the day.

Worries I have, things I'm thinking of: Hope he didn't fall right back to his old ways as a way to deal with this. Is he still going to his meetings? It's so not my problem anymore. Don't really give a shit right at this moment, but am curious. Don't really give a shit right now, because I do not in any way own his problems. Nor, do I have to carry his fucking baggage anymore. Feel curiously lighter as burden has been removed from my shoulders. Hope the fucker didn't go drown himself in that shit some more. But then, don't really know how strong he is, as I don't really know him at all.

I think that I could learn to live again. Was frightened to find that I liked regaining my independence as evidenced by the Christmas party this evening.

Decided that I can still take the cross country trip this summer. And am going to take a nice tropical vacation come February. If I can't have a honeymoon at least I can party on an island. Oh, sad that the honeymoon has to be canceled...shit...that sucks. I waited all these years, just to wait some more...fucker...

Thoughts: There must be a man out there somewhere who, despite your predictions, wants to and will make all my dreams come true. Someone who from the very beginning isn't going to fuck it up. Some man one day is going to place a beautiful diamond on my hand, just like the one I've always wanted, and he's going to marry me and make all the rest of my dreams come true. he's going to be strond and handsome. A rock to rely on all the time. He's going to cherish me, like I never thought possible and I'll be able to see that becuase he'll show me with honesty and in other ways. I just wish it had been him. Is that even still possible? Is it? I mean really? Is that even within the vicinity of possible?

Feeling angry now that those lies took all this from me. Feeling angry and numb at the same time. Feeling angry that I teach kids all day and then came home and had to take care of yet another child. Angry that he never grew up. Hoping that he does it fast. Becuase I deal with kids all day, I don't need my husband to be one too. That would make me resentlful.

Want to say: When your therapist says it's good and safe for you to be with me, come find me. Know, that he'll never actually go see a therapist and work out his baggage. Sad that he won't.

Aw, this really sucks. I hurt all over. I'd just like to beat him till he feels this bad. Fucker. Can't believe he did this to us.

I guess Kelly was right, I really am going to go through changes, within minutes. Thank God, for her. Thank God for her telling me to thank God for unanswered prayers. I know I did the right thing. He needed more time. I have to have done the right thing, despite this trauma. I have to have. Still hope he sells that horribly bad karma ridden ring.

Questions: All I really want to know, right now at this moment, is: Does this hurt him even 1/2 as much as it hurts me?

**Sigh** Will sleep ever come to this poor, poor soul?

"See,one day I want a house and kids and maybe a chandelier and if you can't give me those things, Michael, then this is all a waste of time." ~ That 70's Show

Trying to breathe
2005-12-08 05:57:53 ET


Been apart somewhere in the vicinity of 4 days.

God, it hurts to breathe.

School is such a blessed distraction.

Maybe will go to Wilkes-barre with Kel on Saturday.

So nice to have an understanding friend. Couldn't have asked for a better placement. People here are so nice.

Slept better last night. The Tia Marie and pure exhaustion helped.

Wonder if he's in 1/2 as much pain as me.
I did everything I could. I just couldn't give anymore. Wonder if he knows it's his fault. Wonder if he cares how much I tried. I tried. God, I tried so hard to keep it together and in the end, I just wasn't strong enough. Wonder if he feels the weight of the world, now, just like I did for all those months. Does he even know that it's all on his shoulders now; his turn to carry the burden of trying to make it work? I wonder if he'll even show up like he said it would. (Major points for his character if he does...) I hope he does.

I can't believe how much we've lost...it just doesn't seem fair.

Dealing with the gut wrenching pain most of the time, some of the time just completely numb. Wonder if that's how it's supposed to be.

Can you die from a broken heart?
If I die, and I think I might, when the cut me open, I swear that they will find just shattered bits all floating around inside.

I hate living like this. It hurts so much, every day. My first instinct when something goes wrong is to run to him. And, now this...I can't. It sucks.

I wish he really were the person I thought he was. I loved him so much.

If I can just keep breathing through the pain, I might make it out on the other side.

I hate to think of life without him. It seems so empty and void of happiness, but then, that is without the person he pretended to be. Can he ever really be that person? Can he ever really make my dreams come true.

Maybe he should sell that ring; pay off his debts, save a little, get his life in order and call me when he's on his feet. What a huge order....

Just have to wait and see

I could just die.

2005-12-07 15:16:48 ET

Quotes and songs going through my head as I try to sleep

Jonathan: Stop saying my name like we're friends! We're not friends! You all think I'm an idiot! A short idiot!

Buffy: I don't. I don't think about you much at all. Nobody here really does. Bugs you doesn't it? You have all this pain and all these feelings, and nobody's really paying attention..?...You know what? I was wrong. You are an idiot. My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it. Sometimes more than I can handle. And it's not just mine. Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening...

"I donít know a dream thatís not been shattered
Or driven to itís knees
Oh, but itís alright, itís alright
For we lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the
Road weíre traveling on
I wonder whatís gone wrong
I canít help it, I wonder whatís gone wrong." ~Simon & Garfunkel

The Golden Age of Aviation - Donald (The Lucksmiths)

For argumentís sake letís pretend we could stop arguing
Over which of us is wrong and why it isnít you
Weíre barely awake before your headís up in the clouds again
Thereís nothing you like more than having nothing much to do

Stood akimbo
Staring out the window at the sky

All afternoon youíve been buried in a biography
Of an aviatrix lost at sea, never to be found
Holed up in your room, holding out for an apology
But gravity will get to you eventually

Youíll come down from upstairs again
With all those model aeroplanes

And the novelty wore off
When the pilots still wore goggles
But your eyes look skywards
And your mind still boggles

Iím going grey but you look younger than a year ago
When you put your hair in pigtails and you put your hand in mine
Weíll be OK - Iím happy when youíre here
But oh, your smile can seem as far away as once upon a time

You canít help it
Hopelessly nostalgic

A passing interest in the past
But I think itís going to last a little longer
Iíll hold on to your hand as tightly as I can
But modelling glue is stronger

The novelty wore off
When the pilots still wore goggles
But your eyes look skywards
And your mind still boggles
Through frequent flyersí disappointments and disasters
The golden age of aviation never lost its lustre

Fool In The Rain Lyrics - Led Zeppelin

"Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can't wait for the night
I hate to think I've been blinded baby
Why can't I see you tonight?
And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning
Why don't you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, it's all right.

And if you promised you'd love so completely
and you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?
And you thought it was only in movies
How you wish all your dreams would come true--Hey
It ain't the first time believe me, baby
I'm standin here feeling blue
Yeah I'm blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
I'll watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then I'm turning around
The clock on the wall's moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
I've got no reason to doubt you baby,
It's all a terrible mess
I'll run in the rain till I'm breathless
When I'm breathless I'll run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool's kind of careless
I'm just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found."

Out of My Head - Fastball

"Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too"

More Lucksmiths

"And, yeah, we're a mess
But let me just stress
That we're both at our best in a tight spot
And whatever comes next
If we leave the nest
Don't settle for less than what we've got
And right, here's what's left
And we've worked with less
I just don't get where the lines stop
Keep your cards pressed up close to your chest
And they'll never guess the hand we've got

Blacklist anyone who tries to attack this
They can say what they like but the fact is
They know nothing about us"

ticking by the minutes till something starts to feel better...ha! What a joke!
2005-12-07 14:14:01 ET

7:10PM - Just got back from Church. Kelly is waiting for me to call her. She probably thinks I died. All I can think about it how crushingly dissapointed I am. I wonder what he's doing now. Some many parts of this are "the hardest part" - I wonder if this is killing him, like it's killing me or if it's just giving him amunition to get better. I wonder if he's fallen back on old habits to ease the suckiness of this.
I hope he's alright.
Church was hard to muddle through...I suppose my prayers were answered. I prayed for the grace to get through this so that we could have a faithful, happy marriage. It's so hard to accept that the only way that can come is by being apart...
It's going to be hard to sleep again tonight. I just know it.

Well, "you and me and the bottle makes three tonight."

2005-12-07 11:16:20 ET

Maybe this time is exactly what we need.

Maybe this time apart is exactly what will bring us together.

Maybe this really is a good thing. Maybe this time is going to take us somewhere else. Maybe this time is what he needs to get his head screwed on right and put his baggage in order. I have no idea what the future holds but I guess it all comes down to this:

I've already given all I can give. I made a Herculean, heroic effort to make this work. I can't do anymore. I tried. Good Lord, I tried. I carried that load until it crippled me. Now the ball is in his court and he's already stepped up. If he really loves me. If we are really "meant to be", like we've said so many times before, then maybe he'll actually swing the bat...Get his shit in order and come looking for me. I don't know where I'll be, but maybe he'll come looking...And if he does we can maybe, just maybe actually start all over. All over with everything shiny and new...Wouldn't that be swell?



I hope I'm not delusional now.

"There are 6 billion people in the world and sometimes all you need is one..."
2005-12-07 10:45:04 ET

Took the day off of work today.
Stayed in bed till 9AM.
God, I really needed the sleep.
My eyes hurt.

So many things I'd like to say to him right now.

It's so painful, the empty silence. Knowing that the phone isn't going to ring. We spent every night for the past 2 1/2 years (This Feb. would have been our 3 year anniversary.) talking to each other. It's just all so sad.

I still have so many hopes. So many things I wish could happen. There's a small whisper in my heart saying "hold on. Keep holding on..." I don't know if I should listen to it or not. There are so many, many questions.

Recently, someone told me...you can choose. You can either take the time, a few years or so, and get over it, or you can do what needs to be done to not have to get over it." So much of me hopes that that's what he does.

I actually hope that he's in as much pain as I am...at least that way something might get done. I can't hold on forever.

Who gets the cat?

The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools" said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls."
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.

- Paul Simon -
"Wednesday Morning 3A.M.", 1964

"Our Love Became a Casualty of My Family Tree"
2005-12-07 05:52:57 ET

"I went home feeling so unbearably alone I actually thought there was a possibilty I could drop dead before the night was over...
And I had to elicit the aid of every power source in my body to resist the crushing urge to run after him. Becuase when I caught him, I would have told him the truth - I would have told him that when he came in, all I wanted to do was rest my head in the curve between his shoulder and his neck, breathing in his scent, listening to him chant his crazy dreams in my ear. But I didn't move a muscle. My feet were glued to the floor by the past and there wasn't a prayer in hell that was going to pry them loose.
Sara called me a few days after Jacob left and told me he was staying with them, in case I was worried.
'I'm not,' I said. I was lying, Again. I'd become quite a master prevaricator...
'This is stupid, you two belong together,' she said. 'Jacob's really getting his head back on straight. Everything will work out. I know it will.'
'I'm glad one of us is optimistic.'...
When I tried to spell out the whole mess for Kat, she told me that even if I was unhappy with jacob, which we both knew was a big, fat, juicy lie, it coulnd't be any worse than what I was without him. She spat me the hocker of advice I usually spit at everyone else.
'Blanca, you can't commit suicide so as not to be murdered, right? That's the worset way to die, right?'....
Los Angleles without Jacob made me fee like dust. Los Angeles without Jacob was a giant mortar and pestle that ground me down finer and finer until I started to become nothing but powdery particles about to float off into a vacuum...
I cried so hard that the tears stung my skin like cat scratches down my face. Only it wasn't tears, but the sandy fluid of the Pacific that scraped my cheeks as the water gushed up and over my lids..." ~ Tiffani DeBartolo

I miss him...Heaven help me...I miss him...

So sad...
2005-12-05 11:59:41 ET

"You'll Think Of Me" ~ Keith Urban

"I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot BETTER
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday"

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