2006-01-09 17:05:31 ET

Still, as the anger continues to fade I can see more clearly how wrong I am.

Perhaps I haven't caused enough damage to lose my end of the month chance? And I hope that you're not answering me because it's what I told you to do and you're trying to do the right thing and not because everything I thought is actually true.

Shit
2006-01-09 16:54:09 ET

Oh bugger. I may have just made a horrible mistake...

A horrible, horrible mistake.

I am so, so sorry.

Anger just seems to take over and remove all ability to reason anymore.

I think I'll cry myself to sleep tonight for being stupid.

The 9:30 Club ~ Me

So the outside world goes on.
No doubt youíll dance at the 9:30 Club
Without me
No doubt all those little Christmas named girls who always wanted you
Will dance with you all through the long night.
I donít like that idea at all.
Wish you would wait for me like you keep saying I should wait for you.
No doubt youíll dance at the 9:30 club
Without me.
Spare a little thought for me that night
When you go dancing.
Spare a little wish that I was there.
Spare a little thought for your old flame.
Save your old dance-partner one little dance, when all the rest are gone.
Save her at least one little kiss, when you give the rest away.
Hold on a little longerÖwhen you go dancing
1 comment

**sigh**
2006-01-09 16:24:25 ET

Storm of anger has past.

So sad now.

I always knew it would be her.

How could you start over so quickly?

Didn't you love me at all?
8 comments

Driving along in my automobile...
2006-01-09 03:06:17 ET

So this morning, driving to work, as the words "One sunny mornin' we'll rise I know..." past over the airwaves, a dirt brown, 1983, Chevy Celebrity with a 2tone bumper sticker pulled up next to me. Is this to be taken as some kind of sick coincidence or is this to be taken as some sort of twisted sign of resurrection? The pheonix rising from the ashes as it were? Let's not forget that the Phonenix continually burns and rises...at any rate, it was an odd occurance.

Cake ~ (Thanks, MattHolck, for these lyrics. They are everything I have been trying to say.)

"I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, youíre never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say youíre too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
Youíre never there
Youíre never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candleís fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candleís fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why canít you just show me
Weíre always on this roller coaster
If you want me why canít you get closer?"

The 9:30 Club
2006-01-08 16:03:30 ET

Quote of the Day:

ďI regret every time I raised my voice
And it wouldnít be that bright of me to say I had no choice.
I can kiss your eyes your hair your neck
Until we forgetÖĒ ~ BNL


Things I wish I knew:
1. Does he miss me?
2. Does he think about me?
3. Does he wish things were different?
4. Will I only be hurt again if I decide to wait?
5. Is he waiting?

Answers Made Apparent on 1/9/06
1. Apparently not.
2. I sincerely doubt it.
3. Probably not.
4. Yup.
5. Guess not.

The 9:30 Club ~ Me

So the outside world goes on.
No doubt youíll dance at the 9:30 Club
Without me
No doubt all those little Christmas named girls who always wanted you
Will dance with you all through the long night.
I donít like that idea at all.
Wish you would wait for me like you keep saying I should wait for you.
No doubt youíll dance at the 9:30 club
Without me.
Spare a little thought for me that night
When you go dancing.
Spare a little wish that I was there.
Spare a little thought for your old flame.
Save your old dance-partner one little dance, when all the rest are gone.
Save her at least one little kiss, when you give the rest away.
Hold on a little longerÖwhen you go dancing

Song to play while reading the above poem:

ďOld DaysĒ ~ The Slackers

ďSave a smile for me,
just a smile for me.
Though you no longer love me.

Save a smile for me,
just a smile for me.
You've pulled so much above me.

All these things that I think,
though I'm seldom thinking of you.
And I stare in my drink
and the world turns a soft golden hue. It's true.

Just do one thing for me,
just one thing for me.
I'll ask nothing else of you.

Save a smile for me,
just a smile for me.
Someday, you'll be lonely too.

Now I know not the day
when all love slipped away
never to return.
But as day turns to night,
yeah, I think that you're right
that I'll never, ever learn.

So do one thing for me,
just one thing for me.
I'll ask nothing else of you.

Save a smile for me,
just a smile for me.
Someday, you'll be lonely too.
Someday, you'll be lonely too.
Someday, you'll be lonely...Ē
6 comments

Come Back Baby...But Only If you Really Want to...
2006-01-08 15:50:24 ET

There are lots of lyrics that I wish he were thinking, but these are the words I long to hear. These are the words I wish I could say without fear that itís totally one sided.

ďCome Back BabyĒ ~ The Slackers

ďWhere are you tonight my love?
this I'm asking to the stars up above
when will you be coming home?
cuz I'm afraid to be alone

long before we met that summer
i was sure i would never love another
now i know i was wrong so wrong
my honey why you gone so long

come back baby, come back baby
come back baby, the joke is done, so come on home
distance makes a heart grow fonder
but honey you donít have to wander
to make me say those three words

my head is heavy, my heart is all a pain
and I fear that feeling will remain
go to sleep, go to sleep now I pray you find no harm
and then I'll dream you're in my arms
and I'll keep asking youĒ

More appropriate lyrics to the above themeÖotherwise known as, "Things I Wish Would Actually Happen"...

ďThe ScientistĒ Ė Coldplay

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"

Just An Appropriate Song...

ďA Long DecemberĒ ~ Counting Crows

ďA long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaven'
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I shouldĒ

"Iím lying alone with my head on the phone; Thinking of you till it hurts"
2006-01-07 19:47:35 ET

Tonight's thoughts:

Had this fantasy tonight while I was driving home at 11:45PM. Actually almost convinced myself that when I got to the driveway you would be there; looking pitiful, holding wilted flowers. Then you'd apologize, we'd kiss and make up. Life would go on, the gaping hole in my chest would close up with a magic kiss and all would be well again. Was dreadfully disappointed when none of it came true. Seriously, if I keep trying to drive and cry at the same time I'm going to end up dead.

A Short Poem (and prehaps not very good:

Tonight I will wrap myself in the blue silk you loved so much
and try to technologically reach out to you.
Then, I will lay my head upon the pillow and try to pretend that another man's arms do not comfort me.
Tonight the tears will traverse the same tired valleys they've followed for three ought months.
Tonight I will let my heart race just a little faster to the end of this long, long month and my lips will curl, smiling slightly at the thought of seeing you again.
I will pretend that I won't be disappointed. I will pretend that there may still be a chance for a hollywoodesque ending to this Grecian tragedy.
tonight, I will miss you, but then, that's nothing new.


I wonder if I am really getting across to anyone just how much I'm hurting. I guess I put on a pretty good show but honestly, shouldn't the crying have stopped by now? Shouldn't I be able to breathe by this point?


Incidentally, (only 2 people in the whole world are going to know what the hell I'm talking about, but...)I said I didn't miss it, but I lied. I do. A lot.



Words I really, really, wish he would mean:

A Different Kind of Pain ~ Cold

"Before I let you go
Give me just one more night to show you
Just how I feel
I lost all my control
If it takes my whole damned life I'll
Make this up to you

I'm kinda like the waves that roll their whole life
Towards somewhere crashing it on the shore
That's blown in by the wind that carries the clouds
To hide my wish on a fallen star

A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you
Is someone there to take you away from me

I tried to let you go
I wish I could turn back time and show
You just how I feel
I needed you to know
If it takes my whole damned life I'll
Make this up to you

Before you let me go, I needed you to know"

Words I wish I knew he felt

Tonight I Wanna Cry ~ Keith Urban

"Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way"


Songs that make me Cry (one I loathe to admit, I bet you can guess which.)


Wagon Wheel ~ Cover of Old Crow Medicine Show, song originally written by Bob Dylan

"Headed down south to the land of the pines,
I'm thumbin' my way into North Caroline
Starin' up the road,
Pray to God I see headlights

Oh, I made it down the coast in seventeen hours
Pickin' me a bouquet of dogwood flowers
And I'm a hopin' for Raleigh
I can see my baby tonight

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time string band
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me

Walkin' to the south out of Roanoke
I caught a trucker out of Philly
Had a nice long toke
But he's a headed west from the Cumberland Gap
To Johnson City, Tennessee

And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun
I hear my baby callin' my name
And I know that she's the only one
And if I die in Raleigh
At least I will die free

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me"


All Out of Love ~ Air Supply

"Iím lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesnít really know, doesnít really know

Iím all out of love, Iím so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
Iím all out of love, what am I without you
I canít be too late to say I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long, lonely nights
Iím reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh, so right?

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I canít hold on?
Thereís no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or Iíll be gone, Iíll be gone

Ooh, what are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of"

So Blisteringly Comparative

The Freshman ~ The Verve Pipe

"When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

hey yeah
hey yeah
hey yeah

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen"

The careful art of sleeping alone
2006-01-07 13:26:30 ET

The careful art of sleeping alone

Iíll lay my head beside you tonight
As I have every night since I can remember
But you wonít really be there
Iíll feel you firm and steady beside me
But youíll provide no warmth
The pillow where you sleep
Will remain as cool as ever.

My arms will traverse the endless
Expanses of soft cotton
And find you far away

My hands will claw the sheets
Raking at the miles of empty space
And I will gather only handfuls
Of damp crumpled cotton

Tonight I will have only the
Sense of you Ė sleeping undisturbed Ė
Inside the imposing darkness.

poem and letter never sent
2006-01-07 13:24:02 ET

And weeping she lays down ~ me

And weeping she lays down -
a human sacrifice to the King of Ska.
Each drumbeat mimics the gunshot -
each horn glints the sacrificial knife;
She lays motionless on the two-tone floor,
eyes mere pools of vacuous space,
bleeding silver from her halved soul.

Letter never sent ~ me

Could someone please explain to me how to live now that youíre gone? Maybe I can curl up inside the tempos of our music just to be close to you?
This has to be a sick joke Ė my life, shattered, misplaced, misguided. Who the hell am I going to dream with? Who else is going to listen to records with me; search through dusty boxes for the good stuff? Christ, the streets of New York have never been so lonely and hard. Iíd like to go to the city and lie on the pavement, sacrifice myself up to the god of pain just to feel the cityís rhythms and know that you existed. This is a trick! A rotten trick! Too many corners of Jersey have been left unexplored. Too many culdesacs of new York left unvisited! Philly not yet fully squeezed dry of its cultural juices! There are mountains to be climbed, rivers to be canoed, lakes to swim, hikes to take, songs to sing, bears to run from, pictures to take, poems to write, stars to see, moons to admire. We have dances to dance, roads to travel, concerts to attend, fields to explore, forests to traverse. Somewhere there is an ocean weíve not yet touched! We had the whole of America laid at our feet Ė our very own Thunder Road Ė cotton woods and deserts waited for us; warm Pacific breezes were holding their breath for our arrival. A home was waiting to be filled - with us Ė each room broken in Ė filled with smiles and safety. The whole world is weeping tonight for our lost visits. Who else will do all this?!
Tonight I cry for me and for all that we have lost. I cry for the children we may never beget. I cry for the places we may never see. I cry for the albums our fingers will never paruse. Iím crying for every concert we will attend alone, but together, and for every night our beds will be empty.
I want you home with me. This is stupid and senseless and no one can explain to me why if itís right it feels so bad. I want our life back. You complimented my soul perfectly and now, youíre gone. How am I supposed to live? What do I do with our albums, pictures, and moments saved from a lifetime?
Please darling, get better and find me. You are my everything. Donít let my hope be false. My heart keeps saying Ė he will come Ė he will find me. Please, my Darling Love, heal well; miss me while we are apart, think of me often. Keep my picture on the wall so you can remember. Think of me often so you donít forget and come for me when you can. I loved you always Ė in you I was complete. I loved you when we met. I loved you through this tragedy. I suspect that I will always love you. I know that it is Godís will that we be apart. I pray it is in His will for us to once again be whole. I am but half a person without you. Are you but half a person without me?


Forgive the narcissism, but I believe this song works both waysÖ.

Hell When Iím Gone

"The heat
grows inside of you
and you canít, no you canít
seem to find a way.

You struggle so hard
Just to try and be with me
But you canít seem to find a way

I keep you waiting so long
Ainít it hell when Iím gone?

For many days and many nights you waited
The minutes without me grow so long
When youíre alone
And I was
Yet your feelings for me stay so strong

I keep you waiting so long
Ainít it hell when Iím gone?

Baby, you know that since I touched you no other manís
Touch will do you right
mmmÖLate at night you just think about me
and the way, the way that I hold you
I said the way that I touch you
mmmÖthe caress of my fingers on your soft, soft skin
and thatís how I beginÖ

And I keep you waiting so long,
Ainít it hell when Iím gone?"
~King Django/Josh That/Radiation Kings
1 comment

Old ramblings
2006-01-07 13:19:12 ET

Wrote this on the occasion of our first anniversary. Found it buried in the depths of my laptopÖthought Iíd post it here so it wonít get lost again.

Forever. For life. In good times and in bad; in sickness and in health. Until death do you part. Love. Love is patient, love is kind etc. What does all that really mean? Over the past few days, Iíve been thinking so hard. Thinking about what it means to love. Thinking about what "forever" means. Does it mean, just until I get tired of you? Just until you do something that doesnít fit into my idea of what you should be? For example, does it mean you start smoking so Iím going to bail because it doesnít fit into the mold I made for you in my head? I keep expecting some Cosby world relationship. But Iíve got so many unanswered questions. I know why I love, but I canít figure out how it happened. I can tell you the moment I knew that you were the one, the moment that I fell in love with you but what does that prove? What do you mean when you say you love me? Does it mean youíre willing to live with all the little things that piss you off about me for the rest of our lives? Or does it mean that you love the idea of me, the idea of being in love. And that the moment I break from the idea youíve concocted of what I should be, youíd be gone. Can we handle forever? Why am I even thinking about these things? There may be no reason to be even asking these questions. Perhaps, I want to experiment, hurt you for no reason, just to see if you bleed. To test the depths of what I mean to you, test the limits of your unconditionality. Do you bleed? What do I mean to you? What are your plans for me? For us? Where is this going? I feel like Iíve no right to be asking these questions, yet at the same time, I feel perfectly justified. Am I wasting my time? Itís been a year now and while I feel I know you, there is so much, I have no idea about. Donít you ever feel like you donít know me at all? Youíre telling me that you think you might only be in this to keep some nostalgic connection to college. Youíre telling me that youíre not satisfied. I donít know what I can do to solve that for you unless you tell me. I donít want to be some momento that you tuck away in a box and look at sometimes when you want to remember what life in college was like. Maybe we base too much of our relationship on the intimacies that we are (or arenít) sharing. What do you believe? Is what we have purely a physical attraction? Or is it deeper? Deeper than skin and . . . maybe not, or maybe so. Am I too insatiable for you? Do you find my desire for you too overwhelming? Have I crossed the line, told too much? Should I be keeping my thoughts and urges to myself? Does it turn you off when I express my needs? Are we intimate enough? Physically, emotionally, spiritually? Is it any different being a girlfriend or a wife? Some women say no. Some say yes. If you marry me, can I be the wife you expect? Iím not sure I can. I donít even know what it is that you expect. I donít even know if youíre satisfied with my girlfriending technique anymore. You say, "I could always be more satisfied with you" and I donít know what that means. Iím afraid of the ramifications of forever. Mostly because I donít know if youíre even looking in the same direction that I am anymore. You say that you would leave if I changed. How does that fit into my view of what a marriage vow stands for? Profoundly. I canít live a life where my partner might up and decide to leave the moment I change from the conformity he thought he had. Is love some cosmic joke played on us by the powers that be just to get us to reproduce and populate the world? Or, is it something more? Some God-given gift? And further than that, what of my individuality? Am I to become so lost in you that I forget myself? Is that what you want? Do you get to retain all of what makes you who you are, while I am to forget all of what makes me who I am to fulfill the requirements of the mold you want me to fit into? Am I to done an apron and an apparent lack of ability to think for myself? Give up my hobbies, my thoughts, my beliefs and attitudes? Lay down my inner bitch and submit to what you want me to be? I donít know if I could live like that. But, still Iím suddenly afraid to reach out and fully embrace that girl. She does not fit snugly or even losely into what I believe the idea you have of me is. Would more space between us make you appreciate me more? Would less time spent talking make you miss me more? What am I to you? A servant, a partner, a lover, a girl who you happen to be friends with? Are you okay with the space we share? How did this come to be? What if it is just some deluded attempt to keep in touch with our college years? Maybe a break between us would help us to sort this all out? Is that what you need? Would space and time apart, help you to find out where you want this to go? You have plans for everything else. Do you have a plan for us? Do you ever ask these questions of yourself? Do you love me at all? I mean, I said it first. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe it wasnít time yet. Maybe by saying it first, I coerced you into saying something you didnít really mean? You left once. How do I know that you wonít leave again? I mean, I kind of initiated us getting back together, again, maybe I coerced you into something you didnít really believe in? How was it that you explained us? "A solid foundation built on shaky ground". How accurate that was. How accurate that is. I feel like Iím teetering on the edge of monumental forever bliss and thereís no safety net.
10 weeks turned into a year and yet I find myself sometimes desperately missing the days when I thought it would all be over too soon. Maybe itís because I thought our time was so limited that I savored every single moment, every breath that we shared. Now, I can barely remember what we did yesterday, but I can tell you in detail every nuance of some obscure day last April. I can remember exactly the way the sun felt on my back when we sat outside working before Chorale rehearsal. I can remember the exact look on your face when you papers blew away and you had to go chasing after them. I remember exactly what you wore the day you came to see our last Spring concert and exactly the way you smelled when you embraced me before leaving the chapel. I can remember watching your strong arms write while you sat on my dorm room floor keeping me company while I prepared for student teaching the next day. I remember how tired you were those last few weeks. I remember things like this, because I didnít know if there would be more moments and I wanted to keep all that I could while I was able to get it. The changing of the seasons brought so much to remember back then. If I said that I missed you, would you understand? Would you understand if I said that I missed the day we took a break to get Chinese? I can relive those hours by closing my eyes and suddenly the sun is there and I can feel the grass beneath my bare feet. Will I ever walk barefoot through the grass with you again? It all seems so simple when I think about those times, like a kodachrome picture. Some grainy snapshot of the people we used to be and they are strangers to me now. Perhaps I love you too much. Perhaps Iíve put too much of myself into this already. Is this old, is it stale? Are you bored with me? With us? Am I worth your time? Are you ready to give up?

1 comment

So very very true
2006-01-06 03:13:53 ET

Borrowing this from futonrevolutionist, because she lets me, and I like it.

I Hope You're Unhappy - Farside

"I must have had a dream about you
Cause I woke up in the worst of moods
And when I looked at the clock my day was already ruined
I'm glad that you like your new place
And I hope your new job works out well
I'm getting used to my kitchen and sleeping by myself

And as we talk and reminisce
I barely mask how deeply I'm depressed
And though I can't complain
I think I just might
Cause it can't get much worse


And I hope that you're unhappy to be alone


I'm at my suit job everyday
And Farside's writing a new LP
And though I still hate school I've almost got my degree
I keep myself so busy now
Cause I don't want to be at home at all
Cause everytime that I'm there I'm crushed that you haven't called


And then I dwell and reminisce
About the time I bought the angel dress
That you wore for me
And the sun went down
And you swore you were mine


And I hope that you're unhappy to be alone
I don't want you to cry anymore than I cry, just at least as much


I know your children will be beautiful
But I don't ever want to know that they exist at all
So let's not talk and reminisce
Cause it won't clear the cobwebs in my chest
When I clench the phone and I grind my teeth
And I know that I'm alone


I hope, I hope you're miserable
And I hope that you're unhappy to be alone"
2 comments

silly, silly, silly...
2006-01-05 03:10:15 ET

Yesterday I was asked one of those questions where the person doing the asking doesn't really realize the implications of what he's asking. I choked on my response to that question because I didn't feel like going into it. But really, it's been bugging me. So here's the answer to the question: "What can I do to ease the burden?" (This is not the answer to the actual question, you already know that; but to the one I heard in the subtext.)

You want redemption? You want to make good for your past sins? You can marry me. You can get better. You can actually give me the life that I was promised. You can stop being a liar. You can superglue the pieces of my heart back together. You can pick up every shattered dream and you can put back every single tear I ever cried over you. You can make it so that you are actually the person you pretended to be. If you can make it so that none of this ever happened, that would ease the burden. Thank you. I don't think you can do that; at least not now. So, please...focus on yourself, which is actually rather ironic, and just help with what I asked.

Perfect soundtrack for this post:

Unlove Me ~ Julie Roberts

"Unloose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Unlive the night you kissed and hugged me

Undream the dreams that we both shared
Unfeel the feelin' that you cared
Before you leave me, please unlove me

Unlove me
Unmake all the memories I can't forget
Unlove me
Let me go back to the way I was before we met

Back to the days when I was strong
When it wasn't sad to be alone
When I was happy-go-lucky
And I didn't know how good it felt
To hold you and feel my heart melt
Show me a little mercy and unlove me

Unlove me

Untie all the strings between you heart and mine
Unlove me
do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time

Before you pack your bags and leave
One thing I wish you'd do for me
Take a little time to just unlove me

Unlose this hold you've got on me
Unlock this heart that can't get free
Before you leave me, please unlove me
Show a little mercy and unlove me"
7 comments

Ghosts
2006-01-03 08:46:12 ET

I live in a house of ghosts.
I live in a house of torment.
I can not escape the breath stealing abscence of you.
You are everywhere.
You are in the memories that can not be burned from my mind.
You are in the shower's steam, the dirty windshield;
the smell of my own perfume.
You are in the suntan lotion bottle we took to Atlantic City.
You are in the sunglasses atop my head.
Each song on the radio echos a memory.
You are in the blistering newness of my hiking boots;
in the strawberries I ate for desert; the toast I ate for breakfast.
You are in the anger that floats daily through my mind
and in the tearing sadness that fills my heart.
I live in a house of ghosts.
I live in a house of torment.
I can not escape the breath stealing abscence of you.
You are everywhere.
5 comments

Sun worship...
2006-01-03 08:38:10 ET

I'll Follow the Sun - The Beatles

"One day you'll look to see I've gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Some day you'll know I was the one.
But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Yes, tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun."

So Long
2005-12-22 03:17:15 ET

"So Long Astoria" - The Ataris

It was the first snow of the season
I can almost see you breathin
In the middle of that empty street

Sometimes I still see myself
In that lonesome bedroom
Playin my guitar
And singing songs of hope
For a better future

Life is
Only
As good as the memories we make
And Iím taking back what belongs to me

Polaroids of classrooms unattended
These relics of remembrence
Are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster
Than the smell after it rains

Last night while everyone was sleepin
I tripped through my old neighborhood
And resurrected memories from ashes

We said that we would never
We were really just like them
Does rebellion ever make a difference

Life is
Only
As good as the memories we make
And Iím taking back what belongs to me
These relics of remembrence
Are just like shipwrecks
Only theyre gone faster
Than the smell after it rains

So long astoria
I found a map to buried treasure
And even if we come home empty handed
Well still have our stories
Of battle scars, pirate ships and wounded hearts,
Broken bones, and all the best of friendships

And when this hourglass
Has filtered out
Its final grain of sand
I raise my glass to the memories we had
This is my wish
This is my wish
Im takin back
Im takin them all back

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