Some days...
2005-11-29 03:19:09 ET

Some days I wonder which is easier:

Living through the hellish pain of healing
Or
Living through the trauma of leaving him.


Some days I wonder if:

There will ever be a day when our intimacy doesn't send him into a downward spiral.

There will ever be a morning when I don't awake with tears in my eyes.

There will ever be a day when my heart doesn't feel like I have a chest full of broken glass.

Some days I question:

Is this the right thing?
Can he change?
Does he want to change?
Should I really be sticking around?
How much more can my love take?
Why does this continually cycle?
Am I going to die from this? Sometimes it feels like I might.

Some days I'm angry because:

This addiction took him from me.
This has robbed me of the dream I had for a "normal" life.
This has taken part of his heart from me.
I can't do anything to help except listen.
I can't take this addicition and beat it until it hurts as much as I do.

Some days I am sad:

For the same reasons.
Because the emotionalness of all of this physically hurts me.
Because I don't know if either of us will ever heal.
Because I am afraid of him relapsing.
Because I am afraid of him relapsing.

Some days I simply beg God to make it go away.
Some days I beg for the strength to deal with it.
Some days I plead for courage.
Some days I beg for mercy.
Some days I think that if I could just crack open that I might be able to bleed this away.

Most days, I try to be hopeful.
Most days, I try to be supportive.

Every day I love him.
Every day I make a conscious choice to stay with him.
Every day I make a conscious choice to believe that the future will be better and addiction free.

Every, single, blessed day, I keep praying that I keep hoping and that we keep healing.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've always wanted a man who would give his life for me. And, I suppose, in a way, he very much is - metaphorically speaking...

I never expected to have to lay this much on the line. I'm scared and I feel very much alone despite others knowing about it. I can't believe that our lives have come to this...

Morailty with Remo
2005-11-28 17:31:44 ET

MercyIsFalling03: ok, thanks for dropping a line
MercyIsFalling03: ttys
MercyIsFalling03: sweet dreams
MercyIsFalling03: and let me know how weddingness is going next time too

Jnny7jnny: weddingness is going....
Jnny7jnny: it's currently stalled

MercyIsFalling03: do you love him P?

Jnny7jnny: Excuse me?

MercyIsFalling03: do you love him? tell me, i want to hear it

Jnny7jnny: Is there a particular reason that you need confirmation or do you still just not believe?

MercyIsFalling03: i want to share your joy

Jnny7jnny: I see.
Jnny7jnny: Yes, Remo. I love him terribly and truly. He sends me over the moon...

MercyIsFalling03: great
MercyIsFalling03: because being married is like being naked all the time, naked without shame, knowing that eve isn't so bad, and that running around naked can be a good thing

Jnny7jnny: Sometimes I just don't understand you, Remo. But I know I like you....So it gets me through the confusing parts.

Jnny7jnny: What!?
Jnny7jnny: See what I mean?.....

MercyIsFalling03: it's all a metaphor for being vunerable
MercyIsFalling03: that shed any light?

Jnny7jnny: Ok.

MercyIsFalling03: it's a good thing
MercyIsFalling03: nothing to be afraid of

Jnny7jnny: no no there isn't.

MercyIsFalling03: because his humanity is a blessing from God, and in that creation is a dimension of spirit which for better or for worse forced you to be naked in front of him all the time, your hurts your fears all that's within and acknowledging that they're unconditional love with every glance
2 comments

OH EWWWWW!
2005-11-28 17:05:42 ET

"After intravenously injecting the chocolatey, peanut-buttery substance that had been marinating for a week in a mixture of vinegar, rubbing alcohol and sea salt, I was sick for days. Apparently, there IS a wrong way to eat a Reese's."

2 comments

What can't we face?
2005-11-23 03:27:39 ET

"I've got a theory - it doesn't matter.
What can't we face if we're together?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
Apocalypse? We've all been there.
The same old trips. Why should we care?
What can't we do if we get in it?
We'll work it through if there's a minute.
We have to try. We'll pay the price.
It's do or die. Hey, I've died twice!

What can't we face if we're together?
What can't we face?
What's in this place that we can't weather?
If we're together.
There's nothing we can't face."

through the fire
2005-11-22 03:13:35 ET

"I touch the fire, and it freezes me
I look into it, and it's black
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel
I want the fire back
Now, through the smoke, s[he] calls to me
To make my way across the flame
To save the day
Or maybe melt away
I guess it's all the same

So I will
Walk through the fire
'Cause where else can I turn?
I will walk through the fire
And let it...

'Cause she is
Drawn to the fire
some people never learn
And she will
Walk through the fire
and let it...

These endless days
Are finally ending in a blaze
And we are
Caught in the fire
The point of no return
So we will
Walk through the fire
And let it burn"

Standing in the way
2005-11-22 03:08:52 ET

"You're not ready
For the world outside
You keep pretending,
but you just can't hide
I know I said that Iíd
Be standing by your side
But I

Your path's unbeaten,
And it's all uphill
And you can meet it,
But you never will
And Iím the reason that you're standing still
But I

I wish I could say
The right words
To lead you through this land
Wish I could play the father
And take you by the hand
Wish I could stay here
But now I understand
Iím standing in the way

The cries around you,
You don't hear at all
'Cause you know Iím here
To take that call
So you just lie there when
You should be standing tall
But I

I wish I could
Lay your arms down
And let you rest at last
Wish I could
Slay your demons
But now that time has passed
Wish I could stay here
Your stalwart, standing fast
But I'm
Standing in the way
Iím just standing
In the way"

Take it from my hands
2005-11-15 08:45:32 ET

"She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It would been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel..."
4 comments

"Gonna free fall out into nothiní"
2005-11-09 10:45:57 ET

Oh scared now.
Awful hard figure your next step
when you don't know where you're headed.
Awful hard to trust what you never can quite see.
Awful hard to swallow killing off your dreams.
Don't know why I thought it would be easy,
this running with eyes closed.
Have no idea what is coming.
Hope sadness won't impose.
What the hell is coming?
Couldn't guess it if I tried.
Barreling down the boulevard
Faster than expected
Don't know where we're headed
scared to even try.

"Sheís a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and America too
Sheís a good girl, crazy íbout Elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too...

Itís a long day living in Reseda
Thereís a freeway runniní through the yard...

And Iím free, free falliní
Yeah Iím free, free falliní...
I wanna glide down over Mulholland...
Gonna free fall out into nothiní"



2 comments

letting lose
2005-11-08 10:43:09 ET

Funniest quote uttered by Erin in quite some time...

"I wanna be a crazy rock & roll chick, like the lead singer of the Horrorpops...To be the lead singer of a band, all covered in cool tattoos, with a black Betty Page haircut, and to not give a damn about rent. That's all I want."

~ www.Chesires-grin.com
2 comments

Some appropriate reprints
2005-10-26 03:17:31 ET

Truth 2005-01-03 07:25:10 ET

In the expanse of wilderness I was left to wander not knowing where I would end up.
Hiking on for the years allotted my station I often felt lost.
Many times I was entirely alone with only the silence of the forest for company.
I had been sent out upon a long and toilsome journey of which, to me, the goal was unknown.
Without map or compass I didnít know for what I was seeking or in what direction it might lie.
I had only the most vague of notions that I would recognize it, should I see it.
And then, in the densest of places, I came upon you:
an arrow in the forest, an oasis for the lonely.
Instantly I knew that, though hidden in the depths of the lush forest, you were my way:
straight as a fresh arrow flies when shot from a newly bent bow, it was you I was to follow.
Following you I would find an end, my own fire to keep.
And when finally the clearing for which I had searched long and tirelessly manifested
I discovered a simple truth:
Just as a campfire burns high and wild at first and then fades quickly: so are we now.
And just as that same campfire will settle into the logs burning long and hot and steady:
so shall we be.
And even when the fire seems out the flames still smolder beneath the ashes of apparent ruin.


Tenui Nec Dimittam 2005-01-17 14:12:06 ET

Have decided that trust is not to be fucked with.

"One night, a young boy was forced to climb out on the roof when his house caught on fire. From the ground, his father caled, 'jump! I'll catch you!' All the boy could see was fire and smoke. His father yelled again, 'Jump, son!' But the boy protested: 'Daddy, I can't see you.' The father shouted back: 'But I can see you.'
Trust is vital for a wholesome relationship. When we say, 'I don't trust you,' we keep each other at a distance. We build walls, saying, 'That's far enough: don't come any closer.' Jesus came into a world of suspicious, reluctant, and cynical people. No trust. Every word was commented on; every action was criticized.
What a difference when we say, 'I trust you.' Trust doesn't happen all at once. The deeper we grow. the more we reveal about ourselves. It's a comfort to have one person we can run to when it falls apart - we trust that their love will accept us and give us the room to cry, yell, and scream. They let us get it all aout and stick by us as we put our lives back together and go on living." - Rev. Joseph Sica.

Think about it. Can you get naked with the people you say you trust? Just a thought.


At the museum 2005-02-25 09:48:15 ET

At the museum of all things rare and beautiful,
Behind the viewing glass,
glinting inside the scintillation of compressed anthracite,
winking its sleepy eye; mocking relentlessly,
crouches a dream; woken from polarization.
The shine and circle: a force as gravity
Winking in the facets: a home, fidelity, a child.
Family
Honest, hard work, true monogamy and a pretty white picketed fence.
Mayberry never saw it so good.
One facet winks strength and another values.
A particulary stubborn angle projects relgion, morals:
A patriarchal family grounded in the faith.
Held as Plato's ideal behind the viewing glass
A reminder of what used to be
Standing with face pressed to glass
staring into facets and blinding light
Diving into the carbon fills an empty place
A woken dream relfected in my eyes; motionless on its velvet pedestal
A contemplative hope for the future.










Jess's links
2005-10-14 18:22:03 ET

http://www.jessicatrevino.com/

http://jesstrev.digitalart.org/

http://www.epilogue.net/cgi/database/art/list.pl?gallery=14459&genre=1

http://www.artq.net/ArtistWork.asp?artist_id=SZAPM14035274954835

Some songs just make me crack up
2005-10-14 18:12:51 ET

I Knew The Bride ~ Nick Lowe and his Cowboy Outfit

(I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!)
(I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!)

Well, the bride looks a picture in the gown that her mama wore,
When she was married herself, nearly twenty-seven years before.
They had to change the style a little but it looked just fine,
Stayed up all night but they got it finished just in time.
Now on the arm of her daddy she's walkin' down the aisle.
I see her catch my eye and give me a secret smile.
Maybe it's too old fashioned but we once were close friends.
Oh, but the way that she looks today, she never could have then!

Well, I can see her now, in her tight blue jeans,
Pumping all her money in the record machine.
Spinnin' like a top, you should have seen her go!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!

Well, her proud daddy only wants to give his little girl the best,
So he put down a grand on a cozy little lover's nest.
You could have called the reception an unqualified success,
At a flash hotel with a hundred and fifty guests.
Well take a look at the bridegroom, smilin' pleased as pie,
Shakin' hands all around with a glassy look in his eye.
He's got a real good job and his shirt and tie is nice,
But I remember a time when she never would have looked at him twice!

Well, I can see her now, drinkin' with the boys,
Breakin' their hearts like she was playin' with toys.
She used to do the pony, used to do the stroll,
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!

I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!

(harmonica solo)

Well, I can see her now with her walkman on,
Jumpin' up and down to her favorite song.
I still remember when she used to want to make a lot of noise,
Hoppin' and a-boppin' with the street corner boys.
She used to wanna party, she used to wanna go!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!

I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!

I knew the bride when she used to do the pony,
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
I knew the bride when she used to wanna party!
I knew the bride when she used to rock and roll!
3 comments

Stifiled
2005-09-27 02:50:18 ET

Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen (Becuase it's that kind of day all around.)

"The screen door slams
Mary' dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
Darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide 'neath your covers
And study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers
Throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a saviour to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero
That's understood
All the redemption I can offer girl
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now ?
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow
Back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back
Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh-oh come take my hand
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh Thunder Road sit tight take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar
And I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely
For words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free
All the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets
They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind so Mary climb in
It's town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win"

This was the song I was desperate to hear and the radio wouldn't play...those bastards....
2005-07-07 06:06:03 ET

Fourth of July - Shooter Jennings

"Alone with the morning burning red in the canvas in my head
Painting a picture of you
And me driving across country, in a dusty old RV
Just the road and its majesty
And I?m looking at you with the world in the rear view

Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me ,and your happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn?t take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

Those white lines get drawn into the sun if you aint got no one
To keep you hanging on
And there you were like a queen with your nightgown, riding shotgun from town to town
Staking a claim on the world we found
And I?m singing to you, your singing to me ,you were out of the blue to a boy like me

Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me ,and your happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn?t take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

and im looking for you in the silence that we share

Chorus-
You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me ,and your happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn?t take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along"

Today thou shalt loathe thyself...
2005-06-17 11:16:14 ET

Look What You've Done ~ Jet

"Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone"

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