suicidal tendencies2002-05-19 23:13:56 ET

hmmmm, i just realized that i really dont like being alone anymore.

tis funnny that it has taken me a year to firgure this out, all this time i have been fooling myself into think i can go on with no contact or socialization with anyone or anything.

but i did get momentary thoughts that i would just make them fade away, its a bit much to handle right now, and i am actually getting really depressed at the fact that i have broken down.

i have failed myself,there is no exscuse for this. i am weak, but whut the fukk am i supposed to do with this new epihany???? its not like i can go out and fix it all in a day.

i need to melt the puddles.

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Smallpox as a Biological Weapon2002-05-16 19:34:14 ET


i am too incredibily tired for any kind of intersting entry tonight, but i was sitting here thinking to myself about, well what i always think about, the end of all living beings and organisms as we now it, i have all these certain theories and even tho i have tried to voice to many people only to have them look at me like some crazed person, i am actually getting sick of it, why is it that i have only been able to talk about it with some people when there are on mind altering drugs???, guess i haven't met thr right people yet.

all i can say is that its only a matter of time that something happens, whatever it may be enjoy the time that you have now, but i will not sit here and try to explain my thoughts about this, for i am not too well at explaining things the way i mean them to come across, but i will say that ignorance is bliss, and this is just the path that alot of people choose to accept and follow. if you like the government and believe that they ae here to 'serve and protect' as many of there slogans say.

then right on for you, if that gives you personal security, go with it, but when a memebr of your family comes home as a clone then maybe you will try to see beneath it all.

well thats all for tonight. i need sleep, 36 hrs is way too long for any human being to be fully functional with no sleep.

night. i <3 s\/\/337 455.

e.i benefits2002-05-14 14:54:21 ET

so did fuck all again today, got my e.i thingy in da mail today, had to call some computer monitered line and do all the shiznitty, so i will be getting my cheaques in a direct deposit soon hopefully, gawd i am soo broke.

fukken tiring day, i find myself sleeping in alot these days, su><0rs, and eating alot, i wonder if something is wrong, haha my mom asked if i was pregnant, i laughed, you need to have sexXx to get pregnant, i am starting to deteriorate (sp?) again slowly, galen should be coming back from ottawa soon enough, he will want me to go hang out an party and things, yet he will just be another one dissapointed, i have no desire to see you people, and the thought of having to see aram is disgusting, and his whore of a girlfriend, they all look and think of me as this messed up little speed freek still, no matter what i say it wont change, so fuck them why should i go hang out with them when all they will do is pre judge me and keep asking me if i am ok, i wanna punch them in there grimaced lil faces!!!!!, fukk i hate this town and everyone in it, why can't there be at least one person like me?, galen actaully pointed out a good theory, he said you kno i bet there is some boi like you here, but like you he sits at home plays on the computer and never goes out in public like you, so you guys have no chance to meet each other, i often wonder about that, but ah well, i may decide to go out for a drink with G, who knows, but seriously i need to get out, but there is nothing of interest for me, i would rather sit at home and do my self destruction then have to sit in a dirty bar and listen to some funky house dj who thinks he is the bomb, cuz everyone in this town knows of nothing else and holds him in their royalty standards. and sitting there watching all the lil whore bitches hooking up with the wannabe bar stars , there are some few random people that i dont mind, adrian is kewl, i really want to go back to victoria, but i know that it is too soon, i will juss fall back into the downward spiral of all bad things.

anyways, if any of you read this, sorry for the pointless jumbled jibber jabber.

/\../\ <----- don't eat spiders!
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