2004-07-23 10:05:19 ET spent the weekend trying to not be depressed. i've been mostly curled in a ball when not getting out. monday i spent the day with melissa. we got to hang out with the jack dog supreme. most of the day was spent prancing around with coffee. we grabbed smashyroo and went to pit fire. pizza consumption ensued and it was grand. until this one fly decided it was going to be a total bastard. i was waving my hand over my food and it landed on my hand, WHILE I WAS WAVING IT. a large "WTF?!?" moment occurred. the spider had the guts to do it again with chris. so we decided to leave. went back to the apartment and just hung out it was great. yay. tuesday. i had my therapist appointment which went really well. my mommy got tickets to hairspray. immediately called melissa and inthia. the musical was fab really funny and cute. but lacked john waters twisted sense of humor. it was a total musical theater version of it. and it was good. my mom and the girls really enjoyed it. wednesday xavier and i hung out. went to mel's and got some tasty food. the boy has hallow legs i'm sure of it. afterwards lots of indecisivenes occured. ended up at the sherman oaks galleria, which is a whole bunch of nothing. drove out to northridge mall in hopes of getting a hello kitty phonebook. was completely unsuccessful. then we drove around wanting to see coffee and cigarettes but it was only playing in pasedena. *shakes fist* so we ended up at the beverly center to go see "saved!" the theater was super tiny. probably like 70 seats at most. for a good while we were the only people there. but then six other people joined us. lots of giggling and side comments followed. thursday. plans were tentitive. however. i did go to perversion with n2 in tow. had a great time dancing. the begining of the night was great i felt soo wonderful. i haven't felt that good in a while. it was like my self confidence was up one million points. things were just how they should be. granted i'm riding a high right now. but things are looking up. my grieving is over. lots of strong hugs from friends. which was cute. i really had just an overall great time. del taco afterwards was entirely too amusing. i'm ok.

2004-07-19 01:10:58 ET the puppy is dead. couldn't even make it long enough to be put down, she just let herself go. my parents are fighting. i drank too much tonight. i'm depressed and i'd love nothing more than to just dissappate into mist. (it isn't the alcohol.) but i won't because i have like 8 million weasels. after the weasels, i'm dust. i just want happiness and love. i'm soo sick of putting all of me into relationships and having them blow up in my face. i don't deserve to not be happy. and to not have someone who for once can just admit they love me. what the hell is wrong with people these days. i don't understand it. love isn't a bad thing. but there are so many catch ups about it. and if people would just be honest things would be so much easier. i'm so young and already i feel like just medicating the shit out of me so i can't feel one fucking thing. i hate the fact i was given the largest capacity to love and i never will never recieve/see any fraction of what i give. anything good in this life is short lived, even with it's short life expectancy, if you add me into the equation i cut down 75% of anythings life. i want to be the one that someone would die for. i want to be the person that you can't get out of your head. just for once. time to go wallow in self pity. it's too bad i had such a brief night of enjoyment. 11 comments

2004-07-17 00:50:12 ET dear life, fuck you. a. i'm single. b. i'm wheel-less. (that was a great second blow btw.) c. you give my new puppy parvo. and it might die. the one thing that was suppose to make me feel better about everything else. like not being loved, and then being stranded. and just the over-all feeling of unworthiness. and you are going to take the one positive thing i have left. you know what. you suck. the next time i see you, you better be wearing a cup. cause my boot is headed straight for your balls. go ahead and throw what ever else you need at me. cause right now i've got the immense will to survive. so go ahead, toss it at me: cancer, six months left, all of my friends dying. cause at this point there's no reason to stop right? just get it over with. sincerely, ginny p.s. consider this fair warning. 5 comments

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