2006-02-09 14:58:48 ET Not sleeping at night and then trying to sleep when all you can do is think about all the things you didn't do this week isn't a system that really works. It just makes you confused and anxious when you wake up. ick 3 comments

Fresh

2006-02-09 00:44:56 ET I have made some asjustments to my page. Wish I could exhert that much energy organizing my environment. But noooooooo. I am having trouble figuring out if I want to put my beliefs about relationships on a shelf so I can experience something different. I don't feel like monogamy is scary. I am not afraid of a commitment especially if it is someone I intend to keep around as long as possible anyway. Monogamy to me means jealousy, soul mate, lover, long term, "in" love, infatuation, obsession, dry mouth, sweaty palmed agony. Not to say those things do not occur in non monogamous relationships. They do, but it feels theoretically icky for me. The word even crosses my mind and I raise an eyebrow and my nose wrinkles a little. So why would I even be willing to try it? It's unfair for me to pass judgement on something I have never exactly experienced. It gets a bad wrap because of the social stigma involved. I don't think that me wanting to sleep with people other than my partner is being selfish or greedy. Wouldn't it be selfish to expect that someone only has eyes for you? Or is it selfish to suggest that someone despite the numbers and reports of unhappy monogomers to want a sexual and emotional development they have never tried, but rejected it as I have rejected monogamy? No. I refuse to feel guilty for being critical of something that has never brought me enjoyment. I refuse to feel shame for examining couplying as a sick and twisted game enforced to make sure the next gen. of workers is popping out of women who live in kitchens. Maybe thats all ultra-left. The thought of conceding to that makes my stomach twist and my mouth turn down. A definite ick feeling resides in the villain like green monogamy monster, to me. Exclusivity is no partnership, its an ownership of feelings unexpressed. It's the expression of the seriously twisted reality of human relations. It's full of heterosexism and the nuclear family. I do not want to be a part of these things. I seriously refuse to believe that I am being naive and immature unwilling to commit to an "adult" relationship. I have not seen many couples act very adult with-holding information and bickering about everything from colors to how someone eats. As much as I sometimes would like to believe I could attempt this, no where in my head or body does it tell me that it is a good idea. still..... who even fucking knows. why is a broad sexuality so narrowly defined by the constraints of socially acceptable? 1 comment

Political frustration

2006-02-03 10:26:46 ET I am jealous. Politically. I think perhaps for the first time. and it sucks just as much as being jealous sexually. fuckin' a. 3 comments

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