2014-02-08 14:56:00 ET
For the past 5-8 years, I have been in a suicidal funk of varying intensity that I am finally clawing my way out of. I mean, I really really hated myself. A lot. I felt and thought that I did not deserve to be friends with or have the love of people that I loved because I am such a piece of shit. Still think that sometimes.
That being said, I tired of GIVING A FUCK how uncomfortable that makes people including some who call themselves my friends. Not talking or writing about it is causing me more damage than however the fuck it makes other people feel. If I am going to make progress, to change my bad mental habits and self abuse then I need to process. That means speaking truth to my own feelings instead of saying "I'm fine" or my (apparently) classic keep-your-fucking-distance "Pretty alright." Cause you know what the fuck? I am actually way more intelligent, interesting, kind, sharp and hot than I give myself credit for. Starting to also realize that when I am an asshole, it is usually because I do not like myself very much to begin with. If I stop thinking terrible things about myself, then perhaps I can be more positive outwardly as well.
Definitely, I am having one of those very rare moments in my life where I sorta believe that I am not a piece of shit. Better to record it while I can before the monster in my brain returns to repeatedly inform me that the world will be a better place when I am dead. It would not be. My parents, partners, comrades, current friends and even friends lost to disagreement and mistakes would all be pretty sad. Still, even as I write this... I think really? would they? they don't care, which is fucked the fuck up and ridiculous. Of course they care! What the fucking hell!
When Occupy was happening, for all of its flaws and wonderfulness (I will not be exploring that here), I was still taking prozac, a mood stabilizer(which I actually never should have been on, ugh) and still was unable to sleep without the aid of drugs. I couldn't feel it. The biggest protest movements of my adult life when people all around me suddenly were super interested in my opinions about the world when not months before they had rolled their eyes when I spoke of politics and I COULDN'T FUCKING FEEL IT. Sure there were moments when I felt a lot- intense protest moments when I was on the line separating us from the police or at the front of the Scott Olsen solidarity march when the veterans took the streets against the cops orders/wishes. Still, most of it I basically felt 'meh.' Like something was missing. It was, my fucking emotions. I remember the moment I decided to stop taking psychiatric medication when I was having sex and it just felt like I was acting. Like... I was a programmed robot designed to seem just like a human woman. Nope. Fuck that.
That was a little over two years ago that I finally came off of all the shit that was supposed to fix my brain but just made me numb to the world. More than any street drug (never done coke or herion, my guess is they're worse) the mood stabilizer was the worst detox/hangover ever. Grossest, painful, fuzzy brain bull shit. I started taking food based supplements instead. They work but they can be expensive and are usually not covered plus I lost my insurance because I was covered by my family until age 26 but not after. Just recently I became covered through the medicaid expansion but I've developed a lot of cynicism when it comes to "metal health professionals" which I feel have done little that is professional or helped me achieve "mental health."
I fell back into my bad habits despite living with close friends. I stopped leaving my room unless I absolutely had to, I wasn't eating enough because I didn't have the energy to feed myself, I wasn't taking care of my dog, I was endlessly watching crap television in a poor attempt to numb myself or at least channel someone else's feelings so I didn't have to face my own gruesome, dark self loathing. Ever single one of those things pushing me deeper. Even though I felt a bit better when I was eating enough/right, exercising and taking the supplements, I was still quick to tell myself I was a piece of shit. That everything that did not work out was my own fault. That I did not deserve what I had and I certainly did not deserve better. My friendship with those close friends is ruined. I place most of the blame on myself. I definitely fucked that shit up. Another subject to be explored another day... I did learn again that, due to alienation or the thing about capitalism that forces us to act/be inhuman, I really can not expect people to be able to be there for me when the desire for death overwhelms me. Especially when it interferes with their livelihood. For that, no one is to be blamed. I am working on learning my limits, how to navigate the world as I know myself to be rather than how I want to be. That I am awesome even though I often hate myself more than I love others. That everyone has their own shit. They can't deal with yours unless their open to it. Most are not. That's ok. Someday, maybe, we will all have less shit and better resources. I can only fucking hope.
2010-06-04 15:10:07 ET
It's official I'm back from the fucking dead. I know I declare this every so often but I believe this time its different.
Summer is on my doorstep and I intend to waste lots of time drawing, staring into space, drinking at the river and hiking with my hypothetical dog. Maybe I'll actually learn how to play music and speak spanish.
I started a summer to do list and I think it's pretty good
start a comic (for real)
attempt to play drums
read a book a week
Sew hella shit back together
Get rid of everything i don't use. I have way too much fucking shit. It's driving me nuts. I don't even like most of it. I just keep it because it might be useful someday. EVERYTHING MUST FUCKING GO.
Make lots of art
Maybe be a "counsler"(?) at zine Camp
Camp as often as possible
listen to more music.
I started this list before the BP spill in the Gulf of Mexico. So I guess another summer project I have is figure out how we make the shit for brains oil slick fuckers pay for what they have done to OUR planet. I am so fucking pissed about this. The well is currently pumping out 1,000 fucking gallons of oil into the gulf and they THINK it MIGHT fucking end in August.
Are you mother fuckers serious? I hope you can't sleep at night and that you spend the rest of your fucking life in a maximum security prison.
look at what they have done.
I feel so sick about this. This changes everything people. The capitalists pigs have finally done something so catastrophic that it can't be covered up. My bet is that they'll want to use our fucking taxes to fund the cleanup instead of the huge profits BP and any oil company makes.
Not to fucking mention that it will probably change the color of the ocean which will have serious consequences when it comes to climate change.
i mean holy shit people. If this was ever a time to end capitalism it would be right fucking now.
whew. So besides all that bull shit, I've been doing pretty great. I'm starting to get my shit together and it feels good.
Another highly depressing thing is that my Dad has "undifferentiated head and neck" cancer. I'm just trying to be optimistic about that.
ps- if you like really fucking good hip hop check out Mia X. She's from New Orleans
2009-09-18 23:10:31 ET
Okay, I'm back for more. I missed this place. Many things have changed. I have lived in Portland, Oregon for a year now. Early August I helped start a LGBTQ rights group and that is eating my social life alive. But, I tell myself, it will pass and someday soon I will have more time.
Guitar/Bass class. I will probably not do well b/c it involves practicing.
Drawing comics- I shall post them on the web. Possibly print some.
Making Pins for PERC (Portland Equal Rights Coalition) - I know, silly fucking acronym. But people seem to remember it and fuck it, I like campy shit.
Social Movements- Seem to be advancing. Nothing is inevitable, but I believe we are going to see some shit like the 60's pretty soon, starting with a demonstration here, sit in there and riot everywhere. Hopefully the labor movement will get its shit together. The National Equality March on October 11th will be a fair size if not huge.
Jesus Lizard is playing here very soon.
I am going to Washington DC for the National Equality March. I'm thrilled!
not so exciting-
I lost 20ish lbs this summer because I didn't have time to eat.
I think my stomach shrank as well, so I can't eat as much without feeling horribly nauseated.
In this depression masses of people will go hungry in this country while the Rich feed at the trough of "big go'vt". However, this creates a climate in which we can rebuild the foundations of the left that have been destroyed in reaction to the movements of the past.
We have a black family in the white house built by slaves but I met a man last week who was arrested for being black in the wrong place at the wrong time. Luckily, he's pretty pissed and I think he isn't going to take this lying down.
School begins Monday.
I feel pretty close to a fair size nervous breakdown.
But, everything is still pretty awesome. I love my partner and my room mates even though the are a little messy. I am starting to learn how to be more open about myself. People, it turns out, scare the shit out of me. They give me incredible anxiety. Or I give it to myself. It depends how you look at it. Somehow I need to train myself to not care what anyone thinks about me, without turning into a complete and utter dick. Which I am already in many ways.
I have decided to become a high school biology or health teacher. The idea of becoming a nurse became really really depressing to me since I now work in a Skilled Nursing Facility. For those not down with the lingo of the health care industry that means I work in hospice care (they die all the time, one of my fave's died last thurs) and it's basically an "nursing home". I like the old people a ton. The work they expect us to preform in an eight hour period of time is insane and I usually don't get to take my two 15 min breaks. I should, but I worry about the patients safety. I do not feel comfortable walking off the floor when I know no one is looking after my hall. 11 people depend on me to go to the bathroom, brush their teeth, eat dinner, be cleaned up if they soil themselves, make sure their hydrated and get them snacks.
It might not be the right job for me, but I think I can handle it. It sucks a lot less than being a construction worker. At this job I don't feel (well... as much) fear about being openly bi.
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