2006-04-02 02:03:08 ET

I have lost an hour by being awake.
I suppose I will get it back in 6 months.
1 comment

dreams and devels
2006-03-30 13:50:11 ET

In the past couple of months I have been having very weird dreams.
Last night I had a dream that Alex's twin brother, Kyle, was dead. And that he had been dead for a couple of months. We were talking about how he was dead but could not figure out when he died. He had just seen him in portland a couple weeks ago but it was clear that we were both under the impression that he was dead before we went up there. When I woke up I realized the reason my subconcious was convinced that Kyle was dead before we were in Portland(which was real) was b/c I had dreamt his death several months earlier and not remembered until today.

I have had repeated dreams about Alex. Dreams where everything is good and I am not insane. These dreams make me feel very sad when I awake to find that this is not the case and will not be the case for some time.

Two or three nights ago I had another dream that Tyler and I had begun to sleep together again and that it was very similar to the last time we went through that. We just sleep together, we don't hang out or talk really. We just have sex.
Which is so weird to me because we were friends before that. Sex just interferes at times.

I wish I could be sure of my reality and my subconcious. I also wish someone could wave a magic wand over me and fix my head. Make it clear and unmuddled.
I was right a long time ago when I decided I needed to fix myself because no one else can make me happy if I am not already.

haha see this
1 comment

welcome back self
2006-03-28 20:54:26 ET

I need to spend a considerable amount of time by myself.
I need to separate and catalog my thoughts.
This is required for me to ever have a relationship that doesn't end with the cutting of all pedestrian ties.

still... I find it considerably hard to believe that I am as crazy as some see it. Wouldn't everyone see it that way?
at least everyone I am close to?

At least I now know I had it right when I said that I needed to fix myself before even attempting to develop close relationships with others.
This is a place I have been before. Last time it was a lonely distorted place. But now it feels good.
I'll get my hands really dirty this time.

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