Goths...    2002-05-18 17:42:47 ET
Today I had my violin lessons at morning and fortunately I got the beautiful goth (I said in the previous journal entry) as my teacher today. Oh damn, she's all an artist, I think I'll draw her one day, definitiely she deserves such beauty. The way she teaches is so profesional compared with the other teachers. Mmh well, I think I'll go drawing again some picture I haven't finished.

 Somehow feeling not good.    2002-05-17 21:10:51 ET
Again, lost in lonelyness. What can I feel? What can I do? What can I see? What may I feel for you?

Two days ago I was really really depressed... if that's the definition of how I was feeling. I really wanted to kill me. Make art or suicide. I wanted to be gone, like if I had never existed. But then, a friend came... or was it me how unconciously searched for her? I don't know. She smiled and gave strength for live... a little. We had a nice talk about classical music. She talked to me about how she play in some events with her band of classical music and how she give lessons of painting for little kids. She's an angel. The simple chat with her made me feel comfortable for a while ...her smile.

Today things have been as usual I guess. I don't feel no more suicidal again but I'm not a happy person still. I spent like an hour or two painting at oils again. The painting is almost done, I just need to buy more turpentine because I ran out of it.

In this lonely darkness I think of many things. The beauty of darkness itself. The desperate feeling for warm shoulders sorrounded by cold. Tomorrow, or better said, in some hours I have my violin lessons. I'm still pretty amateur on it. There goes a teacher who's 18 years old and is such a beaituful fine goth. Ah, her eyes make me stupify, my hands tremble somehow acording to her movements. She ought to be a goth. Her fine clothes are pure goth. I love all goth beauties. The real goths, not the bunch of whores pretending just to be bad girls. Ah, they're living art.

I could write more about anything, but this is a journal, so I guess, I should leave something... for another day.

 Do I deserve even something?    2002-05-13 18:58:33 ET
Today I went to some Math & physics contests, just to see how would I be... oh fuck I'm such a lame.
I don't know why I like those subjects... I think because it has "order and control" and due to I'm such a paraoind, (dement sometimes) I serach for that, I guess.
But lately, due to feeling such a crap person, I've be trying to relieve my mental pain through art, through admiring what I don't have (or am not), so I've been so distracted about the congnocible world that I really really sucked ass those tests.

So, trying to fit in the science world is so pathetic now, but trying to get into the art world would be like a suicide now days... though I think of that every morning and every nigth. Besides even at art I suck. I take too long drawing at something really small. And my new violin classes... oh I feel like a dumb, I don't have a nice ear for that, but I still like it. So, if I try to go to the artistic side I'll have too much culture to learn, and I'm so "uncultured" about anything: people ask me something and I "I don't know, whatever"...

Oh, it's 11pm here and I haven't eaten anything the whole day! Anything but a chocolate bar and two cokes! damn, will I survive for tomorrow? Should I go to eat something now? mmh... I've written quite something now, huh? well whatever...
1 comment

 Yummy    2002-05-11 17:59:09 ET
Oh! Thanks to one of the links SiS recomended me right now I'm watching some excellent pictures that will make me pleaserd to draw them!!!
The bad thing is that their too many and I want them all! I suppose I'll have to be to patient. Mmh...

 Albinoni - Adagio    2002-05-10 22:08:06 ET
I'm dead.

Hours ago I went to a classical music concert. It was BEAUTIFUL. How they played made feel the most worthless scum on earth, again. So many thoughts, so many visions, so much passion, so much music, so much beauty there. I recognize, again, that I don't deserve life, not for what I am but what I can't do.

·I feel sorrounded by hipocrite, stupid, ugly and pathetic people and I feel sad because I'm alone.
·I feel sorrounded by elegant, intelligent, beautiful and admirable people and I feel sad because I'm not.
·Hell is painted as being sorrounded by demons, burning in flames, feeling phisical pain and hated by those you know.
·But hell is felt as being alone, dying cold, going paraoincly insane and bogging in the search for love.

Great pleasures of shadows. We wish what we envy. I lament for what I can't concentrate and I like. Why do write this if I know it doesn't matter for anyone? Howcome we always celebrate the begining of something ignoring its end? Because of fear of course. Lock the Univers and what do we have? nonsense ideas of a living entity. Is this the response of why I'm always distracting? because of fearing and at the same time searching the truth of something? ...distracting... that's why I love beauty. So my helpless mind, again, what only can do, for now, is admire you, beauty, wherever you are, ...pleasures of darkness.

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