NSP2002-08-16 01:12:41 ET


best friend taken away in p0 p0.


searchig for a trustworthy person to have stuff sent to then sent to me in CANADA.

just like make - up and clothing. Accessories.

ok thamkz bye.

2002-08-14 20:56:43 ET

oh my.

i am soo dehydrated i am sick.

plus i have a cold. i need to stop weeping on the tiles.

i am hoping to venture out tomorrow. seek some self medicating.

2002-08-12 06:49:16 ET


that is all.

so many details. does not matter. thankz bye.

2002-08-08 22:58:18 ET

i found this.

why am i soo emtional over stoopid little things.

why do i never put emotion into the things i should.

why do i care more for others than they do for me?

why do i cry everyday, when i claim that i have no feelings?

where does it all root from?

why am i soo selfish and manipulating?

why do i have no self ~ esteem?

why am i the biggest hypocrite.

why do i show sooo much anger on the suface, when on the inside it rips me apart.

why can't i ever just swallow my pride.

why can't i ever finish something.

why can't i ever like myself.

why can't anything ever be good enough.

will it always be like this?

will i ever find that one thing that will make me smile.

will i ever feel like the way i did when i felt the sun on my face for the first time.

will i ever stop wallowing in self pity and regret.

will i ever take life as it comes and stop analyzing every moment and detail.

will i ever find that friend that i am to my friends.

will someone open my eyes , like the way i open peoples eyes?

why do i always have to be the one to help, and not be helped?

or maybe people try to help me and all i do is push them away.

why do i put up with peoples bullshit.

why am i the complete opposite of something i am.

how ironic.

why even ask why?

just do what you want to do, if you are as selfish as you say you are then just do it already, and stop wasting ppls time with your boring monotoneis bullshit, that is sooo trivial and you make out to be sooo dramatic, get over yourself and your problems and then maybe you will be worthy to fill some meaningless void in my head.

i can't stand you and alll your bullshit that you make you and your life out to be sooo bad and horrible, when there are soo many other peolpe out there that have it alot worse than you do, take advantage of what you can while you have it, you don't , do you really want to be misirable everyday, trying to fix everything.

you are going to blink one day and it will be 30 years later , and you will be an old woman, and you will be exactly the same only you will be the oldest looing 50 yr old woman in the world, from all that self desrtuction and stress and dwelling, that you will realize it all meant nothing and that you have missed out an a whole world of possibilites and love and happiness, becuz you were too busy trying to understand things for what they were, instead of enjoying them for what they could be.

you will be soo angry at yourself and all the pain you have caused yourself all over nothing, and that now it is too late to start all over again, your body aches, your brain is worn out, you are all alone no kidz, no love, just you pension cheque, that you have nothing to use it but to wither away in your house with your plants and your pets.

you start to become senial and go crazy, and then one day your neighbors start to notice your house to smell....not becuz they care but becuz the garabage hasn't been takin out in a couple of onths, and that you haven't been yelling at their teenage kids to turn down their music everynight at 6pm on the dot.

becuz that is the time it is considered by law a "disturbance"

they knock on your door and it opens they walk in and the stench is soo intense that it makes their stomachs reject the supper they just had.

as they walk into the kitchen they see you lying on the floor, body eaten by your starving cats and dogs that haven't been fed, decayed matter strewn across the house, skin greyed by the sun.

you look like a prop of a body they would use in a horror movie.

the police come as so do the coroner. they look for your next of kin and all they find is a single phone nyumber.

they notify this person that was at the number of the events that have occured in the past few weeks, and this person has no clue what and who you are talking about.

but then it hits them, they are talking about this woman you used to know, waaaay back in the day, in your youth, and at one point you were somewhat of friends.

but what you dont realize is that you were everything to her, she has never met anyone in he whole life that she felt could trust, who she truly loved more than anyone else in the entire world, and that at that moment when you stopped bein in contact with her it destroyed her more than you will ever know, and that you never realized you could have that effect on a person.

but at that moment of that phone call you saw a glimplse into her world, and now you remeber her and have sorrow for her death.

and you are the only one in the world that knew her, and didn't hate her.

you go to her funeral and you are literally the only person their, you feel sad and sorry for this person and are angered at how no one could have loved her the way you once did, and that you once thought she was also the most wonderful person you knew and loved, and always thought out of everyone you knew she was one of those people that would have a huge funeral.

but things aren't always as they seem now are they?

i know this will not make sense to alot of you and confuse you if anything, but take it for whatever you will, it will mean something completely different to each and everyone of you, hell it means 10 different things to me.

"don't let your life wait for other people"

why can't i ever take my own advice?

peaCe. i'm out!

2002-08-07 22:03:47 ET

oh my.

someone come and sleep with me tonight.

i am absolutely scared out of my mind.

that movie is so intense and freeky.

*eep* i need someone here with me.

and my mom isn't home. +(

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