|why.doesnt.death.take.me.||2004-10-16 23:37:39 ET|
dont you fucking HATE it when.
people tell you things. knowing that unless they go thru with it.
it will totally and completely break your heart.
my "best friend" was suppose to move back here and speant the ENTIRE winter/spring/summer with me. then move back to bc in the fall. and then she calls and tells me she isn't anymore. god i need her to get thru another long ass lonely cold winter up here. or i will literally die. its fucked when you depend on someone so much even when you dont see them. i dont think she will ever underatdn how much i need her or how she breaks my heart over and over again. its fucked how i make up these own little sotries in my mind and scernmarios.
anyways. time for bed. work early in the morn. why are all the pretty girls the ones who are always fucked in the head. u kno i wish i was a huge 400 pound hairy ugly girl.
i think i whould be way happier for some reason. or even just to have someone to love me. thats all i need is love and support and to completely let myself open up to someone. open my heart and let them encompass me with their's.
will i always be this lonely? depressed. feel this unwanted and unloved? i am getting a little sick of crying myself to sleep. 24 yrs of doing it is getting a little too much.
and even tho i feel as tho alot of my self destructiveness has come to a halt. i kno that there is so much more of it inside of me. wanting to escape.
it was so much easier when i was numbingmyself with drugs. i mean i have been a hardcore closet addict of everything since the age of 12. there is so much shit NO ONE knows or will even understand about me. i am sick of people judging me. or think im copping out and feeling sorry for myself. meybe i am just bound to be a whiney little emo bitch forever. but i mean even the most hardcore emo's have ppl to love them. i am sick of having the most hardcore addictive personality. i am siock of having adhd. i am sick of being alone. i am sick of being depressed. i am sick of being human.
was it this hard for our parents? or grandparents. or were they so busy that they didn't have time to feel these things?
you kno i think thats totaly it. our generation is nothing but games and internet and music.
so how am i suppose to deal with this? i will never EVER be suicidal. but i think in a sense i am. i mean what else is self destruction. but a slow moving sucicide. i want nothing more than to go back to the city and fall back into my old ways. i had such a btter time them. sure the lifestyle i led numbed me to feelings and i just pushed everything aside. but i think its far better that way. sure unrealstic. i cant hide forever. but even when im in the open its worse. it doesnt improve at all. people always tell you to face up and deal with your problems. well i do and nothing happens.
i am done. thats it. i am sick of putting my trust into people. when all they do is stomp all over me. and completely let me down. im starting to crack so much that i have no room to allow anymore.
i fell as tho a couple more times and im DONE.
anyways. im goin to bed. night all.