2005-12-25 13:15:53 ET


owner of a broken heart.2005-12-21 06:56:19 ET

how fucking absentminded can one person fucking be.

i am so thru with him.

i refuse to be this girl

i refuse to put up with his bullshit anymore.

my heart is made of glass

he knew this.

oh well i have sexy boy b

however sexy boy b is leaving in 3 weeks

2005-12-15 20:19:09 ET

If I am lost for a day
try to find me
but if I don't come back then I won't look behind me
and all of the things that I thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day
December is darkest
in June there's the light
but this empty bedroom
won't make anything right
while out on the landing
a friend I forgot to send home
who waits up for me
all through the night
calendar girl who's in love with the world
stay alive!
I dreamed I was dying as I so often do
and when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window
threw my head to the sky
and said whoever is up there
please don't let me die
but I can't live forever
I can't always be
one day i'll be sand on a beach by the sea
the pages keep turning
I mark off each day with a cross
and I'll laugh about all that we've lost
calendar girl
who is lost to the world
stay alive!
calendar girl who is lost to the world
stay alive!
January, February, March, April, May
I'm alive!
June, July, August, September, October
I'm Alive!
November, December and all through the winter
I'm Alive!
I'm alive....

1 comment

2005-04-18 20:30:06 ET

dont know anything anymore.

i dont know myself anymore.

i am going thru such hardcore shit right now, it doesnt even seem to be real.

am i caught in my own nightmare.

everyone is telling me the same thing. the more i hear it the more i hate myself and wonder how anyone can even look at me.

why cant i be an old woman who has already gone thru this shit life and be in my deathbed.

i thought this shit whud end with everything else, yet it creeps up on me everytime.

how cant i talk to my mom when she just thinks im feeling sorry for myself, why cant she see it goes way deeper than anything remotely in that category.


we finallly got the balls...2005-04-11 10:23:17 ET

and said EVERYTHING we have been wanting to say to one another this whole time and it was funny cuz we were both shocked at things one another said, i told him i fell in love with him the first time i ever saw him and he was liuke " WHAT REALLY??" hehehe.

anyways i dont want to elaborate on any of it yet and jinx it.

a huge part that has been clouding me ever since then is that he doesnt rember any of it, we were both fucking hammed.

biggest mistake.

he told me that its always been me and that he wants to be with me but that he's with this other girl, then he said that i was first before her tho, i said EXACTLY i was FIRST.

anyways i dont want to thinkabout it until i talk to him again, he told me he is moving to town, but i am scared to get into anything, specially with me moving in 6 months, i know for a fact that if it happens it will be strong and deep, and i dont know if i can walk away from that.

i am so confused and fucked up, but i mean if even still after all this time we are both interested, thats got to stand for something.

gah *pulls hair*

i dont know what to do.

i told him that he needs to follow his heart, and that he holds all the cards, and to let me know, but that i need to know becuz its kiling me, i cant do it anymore, its breaking me. and if he chooses the other path that i cant even be friends with him, i mean how can i, i neeed to get over him, and i know thats going to be one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i have neevr felt any of this for ANYONE ever. and we dont even really know each other. fucked up.

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