2006-01-31 15:08:03 ET

It is your silence that slays you in the darkness of your deciet.
It is your silence that has choked the last life breaths from your hope.
It is you who have chosen silence.
4 comments

Getting to know you...
2006-01-30 16:19:14 ET

Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do and try not to be lame and spoil the fun! Just do it. Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it into a new email you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send it to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about your friends.


1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? grey
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? How to Kill a Rock Star by Tiffany Debartolo
3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? no mouse pad....
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? yahtzee
5. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? cow poop and seafood (not necessiarly together mind you!)
6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU GET UP? What time it is?
7. FAVORITE COLOR? blue
8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR? orange
9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? 2
10.BIRTH NAME: Jen
11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? vanilla <---like Mom!<BR>
12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? No, I'm a grandma driver I've been told
13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No, but I do miss my Teddy!!
14. DO YOU LIKE THUNDER STORMS? Yes, with lots of lightning. <---like Mom!<BR>
15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Ford Escort (hatchback...)
16. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? Aries
17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? broccoli...yummy
18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB, WHAT WOULD IT BE? veterinarian <---like Mom!<BR>
19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? reddish-brown
20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL, OR HALF EMPTY? half full <---like Mom!<BR>
21. FAVORITE MOVIE? The Big Lebowski
22. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? always <---like Mom!<BR>
23. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? a rolled up carpet
24. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 7
25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? none, but if I had to choose one I'd say figure skating
26. YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN? the "do as I say not as I do" kind of people
27. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Janelle
28. PERSON LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND TO THIS EMAIL? Mom since she sent it to me
29. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Ketchup.
30. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOGS? Hamburgers
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? sweater weather- winter
32. THE BEST PLACES THAT YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? toughie...every place is as good as you make it.
33. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? A blue shore with rocks.
34. FAVORITE FAST FOOD? Yo quiero Taco Bell!

:o)
2006-01-28 19:28:38 ET

I am adding this to my journal/blog for posterity's sake only. This is much against the will of many people, but I want to remember...

Someone said this to me today and it almost made me choke:

"Listen. A blind man could see...no, no, a blind man with a stick in his eye could see that what you want is Chris...but without the baggage. Too bad that's not likely to happen. And I'm not saying this for my own selfish reasons I'm just saying that it's not likely."

I wonder if he's right about the not likely part...probably...:o)

Oh incidentally, I ran into this boy that I've had a big, sloppy crush on for something like a decade and change. He seemed so happy to see me. He still looks beautiful. We haven't seen each other in almost a year and he complimented me on my new haircut and color! What kind of guy remembers that?! So when I told him that I wasn't getting married anymore (because he asked about it) he got all giddy and goes basically: "So now I finally get my chance". Sometimes I just shake my head at the wonderment of it all.


blah
2006-01-28 07:12:14 ET

As the end of the month approaches I find my self made physically ill...literally. Like barfing up the cocktails ill. I think one of my school kids breathed on me the wrong way. Those children are seriously just like little petri dishes. Anyway, all is well. Have lots to tell and not the time now. Perhaps will update later when I am not supposed to be listening to this professor! Ha!

Whheee! I thought as much....
2006-01-20 15:11:27 ET


You are a true nature girl!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Random Quotes...I'm into this suddenly
2006-01-20 14:31:10 ET

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience." ~ Anonymous

From: That 70's Show -

"I gotta win her back becuase I can't stop the tears, man!" ~ Kelso

"All men take all women for granted all the time." ~ Jackie

"Here's the thing...You're assuming that you're good enough for Donna and you're not." ~ Red


Sky High ~ Jigsaw

"Blown Round By The Wind
Thrown Down In a Spin

I Gave You Love
I Thought That We Had Made It To The Top
I Gave You All I Had To Give
Why Did It Have To Stop

You've Blown It All Sky High
By Telling Me a Lie
Without a Reason Why
You've Blown It All Sky High

You, You've Blown It All Sky High
Our Love Had Wings To Fly
We Could Have Touched The Sky
You've Blown It All Sky High

Up Round I've Flown
Then Down Down Like a Stone

I Gave You Love..."
4 comments

Nonsensical sense from That 70's Show
2006-01-19 16:48:17 ET

From: Eric's Burger Job

Jackie: You know sometimes I'm beginning to think you're a real screw up. You see, one day, I want a house. And kids. And maybe a chandelier. And if you can't give me those things Michael, then this is all a big waste of time. You just, you gotta try harder... Wait, Michael, something feels wet.

Kelso, to himself: Dear Penthouse...

Jackie: No, no, you popped the waterbed!

Kelso: It must've been my roach clip. Jackie, maybe they won't notice.

Jackie: I am in love with a doofus.



From: Kiss of Death

Jackie: Donna, weíre supposed to be friends. Would it have killed you to say, I know you love him, but Michaelís a jerk?

Donna: Jackie, I think my exact words were, I know you love him, but Michaelís a jerk.

5 comments

Which Classic Pin Up Girl Are You?
2006-01-17 17:21:49 ET

Apparently I am:


The Love Kitten

Take this quiz!


http://www.quizilla.com/redirect.php?statsid=18&url=http://www.quizilla.com/[/img" target=_blank>Quizilla | Join | Make a Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
2 comments

Mourning..."I miss you. Not enough to want you back, just enough for it to hurt"
2006-01-17 03:22:53 ET

I've finally been given the permission to mourn. Someone finally validated the death that has taken place. Someone finally said, what I've been thinking..."it's so much more than a breakup. It's a death, really. You need to take the time to mourn this death."

Someone finally said the words I needed to hear. "You couldn't really have done anything but give your all to that realtionship. By virtue of who you are it would have been impossible for you to do anything different."

Someone told me what I know to be true: "The only way you two can ever see this through is if you totally let go of him and all that has happened. He's not your responsibility any more. He's God's. Let God work with him. Let Jesus be the Messiah He is meant to be."

Someone finally verbalized my validity as a human being: "You deserve so much better. He does not even have the capacity to love you the way you need to be loved; the way you deserve to be loved. He does not even have the capacity. He does not know how to love you. He may never have the ablility. You need to let go completely and give it to God. If God has taken away a relationship that meant so much to you and made up so much of who you are, just think of what He is going to replace it with! It's going to be so much better! Where He closes a door, He opens a window."

Seems after my flip out, a few days back I've come shooting out of the end of the proveribal dark tunnel and come squalling into peace. It's a quiet place that I'm in. Death has no holds here. I'm sad, true, but I'm living and breathing is easier each day. I'm moving on, moving forward. Getting it together; and when I feel like crying, I cry. When I feel like laughing, I laugh. Moving forward and working through the mourning is good. I might even write some new poems...for now, some quotes that a friend sent me...a little pathetic but timely just the same.


"I have no regrets. I will never regret loving someone because the feeling of love for five minutes is greater than an eternity of hurt." ~ Kurt Langner

"To continue loving somebody even though there's no chance of that love ever thriving...that's romance" ~Dawsons Creek

"It's sad to think you'll never be mine, it's even sadder to realize I knew it all the time"

"Sometimes i wish i had never met you, because then i could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there" ~Good Will Hunting

HA HA!
2006-01-16 16:44:03 ET

You Are a Boston Creme Donut



You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

[url]http://www.blogthings.com/whatdonutareyouquiz/[/url]
2 comments

Christian Babblings...
2006-01-15 20:30:22 ET

For Me:

Heart of Worship

"When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus"


Casting crowns ~ Who am I

"Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt,
Who am I?
That the Bright and Morning Star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am..
I am Yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin,
Would look on me with love,
and watch me rise again,
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me,

Not because of who I am,
But because of what You've done,
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean (ocean),
A vapor in the wind,
Still You hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
And You've told me who I am...
I am Yours, I am Yours.

I am Yours,
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours,
I am Yours."

Here I Go Again ~ Casting Crowns

"Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

Chorus:
'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love Him
But here I go again, here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life

This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him
That You love him
You love him, You love him

What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard"


For you:

"Voice of Truth" ~ Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
on to the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
On top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Chorus:
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe-

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
Cause Jesus you are the voice of truth
And I will listen to you, you are-

Let It be...
2006-01-14 07:16:37 ET

So wisdom from the Beatles is guiding this day: "Let it Be."

Followed quickly by the Bible: "Have faith."

And then by a gem from the nostalgic Buffyverse: "It's so weird....Every time something like that happens, my first instinct is to run and tell Angel."


Started my grad. courses on Thursday and today. In today's class I get to hand in a short film as a final project. I'm so happy. Couldn't wait to tell his ghost...**sigh** Which made me think about things that consternate me.

Consternated on the following: We said when we met we would talk all about all the things we wanted to say all month. What if I can't remember them and just sit there like an idiot?

2 Songs that made me a little misty today:

Out of My Head ~ Fastball

"Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too"

Fourth of July ~ Shooter Jennings

"Alone with the morning burning red on the canvas in my head
Painting a picture of you
And me driving across country, in a dusty old RV
Just the road and its majesty
And I'm looking at you with the world in the rear view

You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

Those white lines get drawn into the sun if you aint got no one
To keep you hanging on
And there you were like a queen in your nightgown, riding shotgun from town to town
Staking a claim on the world we found
And I'm singing to you, you're singing to me, you were out of the blue to a boy like me

You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along

and I'm looking for you in the silence that we share

You were pretty as can be, sitting in the front seat
Looking at me, telling me you love me, and you're happy to be,
With me on the 4th of July
We sang Stranglehold to the stereo
Couldn't take no more of that rock n roll
So we put on a little George Jones and just sang along..."

Here Comes the Sun...
2006-01-11 18:38:45 ET

Ah ha! Feeling better today.

Spent evening with fellow skaheads, like actually in person.

Listened to Green Day really loud. Is good.

Am a bit bummed that I'm going to have to miss some upcoming shows but guess that's how it goes when you are a poor grad. student. Someone who goes to the 3-floors of Ska show on the 20th, puh-leaze let me know how it goes?! I'm poor and can barely afford bus fair. I had really been looking forward to that show this time around too. **sigh**

I'm driving myself crazy tonight trying to remember the name of a little club in Montclair, NJ where we saw the Slackers, the Soul Merchants and Westbound train. Think it may have been at the Bloomfield Ave. Cafe and Stage. Only can remember that we saw Westbound there on Oct. 25, 2003. Anyone? Anyone? **grrrr**

Looking forward to my Jamaica trip. Marley is already my constant companion. Why not go there right? Ooh and in the middle of March! Yeee heee!


***********************************************************

Let Herself Go ~ George Strait

"He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch.
Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants.
Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note,
And without him there to stop her, she let herself go.

Let herself go on her first blind-date:
Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake.
Let herself go, buy a brand new car,
Drove down to the beach he always said was too far.
Sand sure felt good between her toes:

She let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City.
Came back knocked-out pretty..."

4 comments

"Come back baby, the joke is done, so come on home..."
2006-01-10 17:50:38 ET

Come home. You want it on your terms. So do I. You want to have to fight for me. So do I. Come home.

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but honey you don't have to wander, to make me say, those three words..." ~ Vic.

Every Light in the House is On ~ Trace Atkins

"I told you Iíd leave a light on
In case you ever wanted to come back home
You smiled and said you appreciate the gesture
I took your every word to heart
ícause I canít stand us being apart
And just to show how much I really miss ya

Every light in the house is on
The backyardís bright as the crack of dawn
Thr front walk looks like runway lights
Itís kinda like noon in the dead of night
Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
Every light in the house is on

If I should ever start forgetting
Iíll turn the lights off one by one
So you can see that I agree itís over
But until then I want you to know
If you look south, youíll see a glow
Thatís me waiting at home each night to hold ya

Every light in the house is on
The backyardís bright as the crack of dawn
Thr front walk looks like runway lights
Itís kinda like noon in the dead of night
Every light in the house is on
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone
Every light in the house is on"

Home ~ Michael Buble

"Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And Iíve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
Iím fine baby, how are you?
Well I would send them but I know that itís just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
Iím lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Iíve got to go home

Let me go home
Iím just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like Iím living someone elseís life
Itís like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And Iím surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
Iíve had my run
Baby, Iím done
I gotta go home"

Sound of Silence
2006-01-10 03:14:15 ET

Because I am committed to trying to shuck through this together - meaning: work it out and get back together - and I believed that he was too but it seemed that he was so not; last night I had the equilvalent of a domestic dispute with nobody; becuase nobody was around to hear me yell. It's amazing how hunger and anger can be such powerful motivators to go off the deep end. Last night, I felt myself pulling toward obsessive and it scared the shit out of me. The light of morning and the little bit of sleep that I actually got have left me with the following conclusions.

I woke up this morning to a catasrophe. Wreakage everywhere. I really pulled down the house around me (metaphorically speaking of course) last night. The dust was still settling when I opened my eyes. This morning, a rested brain thought the following things.

You will not become obessessive over this. He is gone and you must accept this because you can not bring him back if he does not want to come back. The silence around me was defeaning as I realized that perhaps it was a good thing that he did not play into my madness. Talking to him last night would have made it 10 times worse and I'm sure that he knew that.

If he is going to see other people, I can't stop him. When I said that I was going to, I was bullshitting. (I can barely fathom the idea through the pieces of my broken heart. It's just too soon.) I made a gamble, I lost. That's ok. Shit happens. I thought that we were in agreement at our last speaking to hold on and try to work this all out, together. I thought that had he decided he did not want to do that any longer, he would have had the courtesy to tell me. I thought that he might wait longer, grieve a little more. I hate the idea that he could be so callous as to go back out there so soon after our broken engagement. It hurts to me the core - sometimes more than I can bear- to think of him with someone else. The only way I knew how to express that was through anger. Tears didn't seem appropriate. But it's ok. What he does while we are apart is what he does. I don't have to like it, but I don't have to be upset by it either.

And then, of course, there is the idea that I'm entirely wrong. When we were still in college, I used to feel like he deliberately would put us in situations that would force me to trust him. I feel like that again. Is that the plan? Don't let me know what you're up to? Don't talk to me and force me to chose if I trust you to be living the straight and narrow when I'm not around; because if I can't trust you to do it when I'm not around then what's the point? That sounds like some point he might try to prove. Maybe he's setting me up. Think about it. I spend all month wondering if he's actually going to call and then wham! he does. There I am, proven wrong. Hrm. That sounds like him too.

I realize that I do not have any idea what I am talking about. Yes, it's entirely possible that he has moved on. That my informant was correct. Then again, it's entirely possible that he hasn't. There is always the hopeful possibility that he's just not calling because he knows that it would only make it worse right now, or because I told him not to and that it's not because he's out galavanting with some other, younger girl.

All tragedy aside...I blew up - I lost my cool, flipped my lid, went WAY over the proverbial deep end - however you want to say it, I lost control and said a whole lot of shit that's been backing up in my mind. Despite having done all this, in my opinion, and seen clearly in the light of day, I haven't really said anything he didn't already know or that I haven't already said. I just said it all at once this time. That being the case, then nothing really has changed. I still miss him. I still wish things were different. I'm still angry. I still want and believe that I deserve an apology and I still hope that he gets it together and comes on back. Added to that, I now am hoping that his getting it together does not include getting with another girl.

If I know him, he's probably gone non-verbal because he believes that nothing he can say I am going to believe at this point. He's probably right. But that shouldn't stop him from trying, because it's like I always told him: actions speak louder than words.

So to sum up: Despite me freaking out, I don't think things have changed all that much for me or him. And despite being livid I'd still like to see him and find out how things are going on his end. So perhaps at the end of the month the phone will ring...who knows...

And so, I chose to live with the knowledge that in spite of all that has happened, I love his sorry self. I chose to believe that he still loves me, and that he knows my anger is natural and legitimate. I chose to believe that he respects me enough to know that moving on right away is probably a bad idea because it shuts out any possibility of us ever working this out. I chose to believe that what he said about "When I'm ready to date again, you are the first one I'm coming for," he was telling the truth. Right now, I chose to believe that nothing has changed. I chose to believe that he loves me and that he misses me. I just wish I knew if I were right? How about a sign? A secret message? Anything? **sigh**

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