2011-03-08 05:30:31 ET

does matt not speaking to me mean he's really stopped loving me?

it feels like it...

2011-03-04 03:26:25 ET

I know the lesson I was supposed to learn here. As much as Matt pushes me away when things get hard, I push him away with my constant second guessing of him.

I actually questioned him loving me even when I was there. I could never believe him enough. When he gave me real compliments I asked why. I'm not beating myself up here either. My best friend even noted that I do this.

I was so scared Matt would fuck me over like other guys that I second guessed everything he ever said and did for me. I always asked why. I could never just believe him.

We're both guilty. And i"m sorry for my part.

I hope I get to see him again to tell him this...

hair2011-02-26 15:12:44 ET

going lighter red gradually...today was just about getting the black out. going out tonight. should be a good time. hopefully soon i'll stop being the depressed phantom version of myself...

I'll never find somebody2011-02-24 16:40:46 ET

who could tell me everything about every kind of sword. Who loved Lord of the Rings as much as I do. Who would rather go to the comic book store on a date than do something cliche. Who bought me flowers on a bullshit anniversary just to see me smile. Who can see straight through me. Who makes me feel like nothing can touch me when they're holding me. Who sees sex the same way I do. Who I could talk to for hours and not get bored. Who could read my mind. Who showed me things in life I never would have seen before. Who brought me on the sweetest first date I've ever been on. Who actually listened when I said i preferred video games to chocolates and flowers. Who bought me art books for Christmas because he knew they would make me happier than the diamonds all the other girls were getting. Who made me watch movies I refused to watch before because he convinced me how great they really were. Who made me love to read. Who was so intelligent it was scary. Who got so excited when he beat Hades in God of War 3 that he did the tauren dance in his living room. Who's words "it will be ok" got me through the day sometimes. Who would sit on the phone with me for hours while I cried because I was in a new place and didn't know anyone and tell me that he loves me and it will be ok. Who made me believe in love all over again.

..and sadly tonight destroyed my faith in all humanity and love for the foreseeable future. I will never believe a guy when he says he won't hurt me, is different from the others, or he loves me. Those are all things I've come to see in my life are complete lies.

2011-02-24 15:23:03 ET

Matt just told me it's over for good. And wouldn't tell me why. When I asked why he acted like I had just asked him the stupidest question in the world.

How did I go from having a future with this amazing man 2 weeks ago to being faced with this monster?

He stopped loving me....he stopped loving me...maybe he never did...
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