It just hurts now, nothing else    2004-02-09 07:10:44 ET
Well I've been up for the better part of the week. With maybe about 7-10 hours of sleep total. But thats nothing. I was talking to some people that used to be my friends in school. It was Saturday night they were over and I got a call yesterday from one of them because she was absolutely worried about me. That was the night I had the dramamine trip. Apparently for the part of the night she was there I was hiding in the corner ranting about something to myself and hysteric. Unfortunately I remember that part of it. She asked me if I was actually serious when I first told her I had some schizophrenic tendencies. I just sat there in disbelief. Is it just me? Do I give off the intent that I am a liar? I then continued to ask why someone would lie about that. Her only response was that some people thought I was lying about that particular tidbit, and they just happened to be friends with her and she believed them. Now I wonder how many people think I've been living a fucking lie. I'm not and never have, I don't speak to people so they don't find this shit out but she was one of my best friends for about 5 years. Last night was the first time I can remember that I sat awake at night and actually started to cry. I don't know what to do apparently nobody believes shit that I say and to find that out. I desperately need out of this town. I am taking a road trip somewhere withing about a year. I know I will make it to my destination and I will leave there, but I'm no longer sure I want to come back here or start over somewhere new. It's time to think about quiting everything.

Damnit I'm having a really hard time lately and I shouldn't be. My manic moods are coming back and theyre becoming very uncontrollable. I'm done with my rant

 I guess I was mistaken    2004-02-08 23:33:21 ET
I just sat down and reflected on my weekend. The only good thing that happened was tonight. I made a huge mistake, I think I'm in trouble this time

 Happy place    2004-02-08 23:15:26 ET
Man, this was the best night that I can remember for a long time.

 Dang reality blows...    2004-02-08 07:32:18 ET
As of saturday nights events I'm not sure if any you should take any of my advice much less listen to my ranting. Just a fair warning for all of you who would venture into my mind. I'm not always home interesting no? Now tell me can the insane realize that he is insane or is just another one of his delusional hells' that he is living in?

 Stupid, stupid, stupid    2004-02-07 23:22:49 ET
My weekend has been nothing but stupidity for the most part. Last night me and a buddy decided to go out and get some dramamine. We heard you hallucinate pretty good off of 2 bottles of it. Well I'm still at a loss of what to say it did to me. I don't remember a god damn thing! My friends said they'd never seen me that scared and they were afraid I might take off or something because it must have totally fucked with my thought process. I say this because I couldn't come up with a coherent response to anything they asked. DO NOT TAKE THIS DRUG! It damn near killed me and not in the least bit fun. I don't like my life and nor do I care what happens to me. But this? It was the scarriest experience I've had thus far. I do drugs, quite a few actually and I think even the harder ones I do are quite a bit safer than over the counter drugs. I watched my other buddy go into seizures from it... trust me you don't want to go out this way. Your death reflects your life and I refuse to have the last memory that my friends have is of a drugged up incoherent fool.

Tonight there was another party up by my house. As I was coming home I saw one car go off in the ditch. I pulled the girl out made sure she was okay, also to see if she was drinking, she wasn't drinking so I sent her on her way hoping she wasn't one something else... But these little assholes rolled their 91 ford explorer. I stopped cuz I couldn't get around thier little accident. Once again made sure everyone was okay. Well all of them were piss ass drunk. Hmmmm not letting them get away. I told them I was about to do the biggest favor in the world for them. I was goin to call thier parents instead of the cops for 2 reasons:
1. I didn't feel like getting all the way involved
2. I was fucking tired I wanted a nap
Well one of these children decided it would be fun to harrass the "goth kid", as he put it. Well he did just that and told me if I didn't give him a ride into town he would kick my ass. At this moment we are like 10 miles away from anything resembling civilization so I told him to sit down and wait for mommy to come. He apparently didn't find it as funny as I did so he came at me, big challenge there side-stepping the drunk while tripping his ass. That worked well and I let him lie on the ground I no longer cared about him. Well the parents showed up and told em what was goin on they took my name and number just incase. They were very appreciative of it and I took off leaving them to their offspring. I mean is it really that hard to call and say I'm fucking drunk I'm not coming home?

I'm tired of this crap weekend after weekend why can't you learn to stay put if you're that drunk. It's not that hard and it's waaaaaaaaaay less expensive than getting in a wreck with your mommy and daddies' vehicles.

Wow never thought I'd see that both my stories had a moral? What the hell?

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