2003-10-08 15:16:47 ET
I've been doin' my thang, traveling the streets of the LBC, checkin' shit out. I got to the top of this one hotel and digested some high-elevation for a bit. I found a tiny record store with gobs and blobs of records (I bought a used Joy Division CD). I also found the coolest art supply store I've ever seen. They have 3H pencils...I love 3H pencils.
Long Beach is so nice. I bought a Neitchze book called "Antichrist," as well as a copy of "the Communist Manifesto." "Antichrist" is really intense. It's a straight assault on Christianity, and on philosphy as a whole. It's such an unrelenting book. There's lines that I love, such as:
"What is there that destroys a man more speedily than to work, think, feel, as an automaton of 'duty,' without internal promptings, without a profound personal predilection, without joy? This is the recipe par excelence of decadence and even idiocy"
Pretty neat there FRED!
I worked at a food bank yesterday. I've discovered that I want to pursue getting a degree in social work. It makes perfect sense to me. I've been in quite a debacle over what I want to pursue in education, but working at the food bank cleared that up. So I feel really positive about that aspect of my life. I'm happy because this is something that I can start on immediately, by means of charity work. I can gain experience while I help others. Beautiful.
As for the household...it's getting better, in really fucked up kinda ways. It's cool 'cause I get to sleep in Alison's room all alone and comfortable. While she's away taking slumber in places that I totally don't wanna know about, I'm all cozy, dreaming of beautiful things. Sure, it's a bit depressing at times to be kickin' it alone in your ex-girlfriends' bed while she's out all night doing her thang, but let's be objective here: Her bed's comfy, and I don't have to sleep on the floor.
That's really how I'm trying to look at everything that's going on right now, and it's really benefitting me. It's hard as fuck, but I'm determined to not let this thing hurt me, but help me.
Alison seems to respond to me with utter annoyance or apathy and it really makes me upset. And I think I'm the only person that she treats this way. Like, 'what the fuck? Why me? What the fuck did I do to you that's so bad that you talk to me like I'm a pestering child?'
I don't understand and I wish we could talk about it, but that seems impossible.
Whatever. I'm trying to get out a lot. Let my eyes feast and my mind relax, ya know? Trying to maintain positivity. I'm gonna get through this shit just fine.
COMING NEXT POST! Just when Daniel least expected, he finds true love...Coffee and cigerettes! ALSO, don't miss when Daniel goes out on Saturday and gets a little too tipsy at a show/bar/club. Will he score the digits? Or will he be carted off to a nice night in jail? TUNE IN TO FIND OUT!
2003-09-28 18:56:17 ET
Hello thurrrrrr! (Chingy dialect goin' on)
I'm like convoluted. Oh, and by the way, I love the word 'Convoluted.' It's such an involved-sounding word.
Yeah....convolusion. Mixed-up. Scrambled.
I wish I was the type to see straight no matter how thick the fog gets, but I'm not that type. Unfortunately, I get confused, distraut, disoriented, lost...Subject to experience.
I wanna be strong and realize that all this is some emotional bullshit, some fake-ass shit, some delusion that shouldn't be taken as finite reality, but unfortunately, I don't.
I'm going through some relationship mess. Basically, I'm in a situation where I'm with someone who doesn't feel too deeply about me. Like, that's okay, but every once-in-a-while, I need a hug, or a kiss, or something to indicate that the other person feels the slightest bit of care and compassion for me. I'm not getting that...and it hurts me.
Like, whatever. I like ambitious people. And as such, I understand that said 'ambitious people' aren't always the most lovey-dovey peeps, but yo, what the fuck? I mean, come-the-fuck-on! I want a hug! I want a kiss! I want some love, damn it! And I be gettin' none. And it's destroying me!
So yeah, I'm doin my best. The problem is that I am, once again, the guy on the couch. I don't have a place of retreat. If I did, than none of this would occur, but I don't. No place to light candles and turn on my own music and smoke some pot and chill out. My only retreat is the kitchen, and I am workin' on making the most bomb-ass food y'all can ever taste (and as my dad taught me, food cannot taste good if it don't LOOK GOOD, so my visual-cuisine skills are every-increasingly being perfected to a tee!). The kitchen, and the bathroom.
I'm trying to work it out. I'm thinking about taking a martial-arts class, and some charity work. I need to preoccupy myself with meaningful activity, 'cause as it stands, I'm falling, falling hard.
Yo...if anyone wants to call this boy named Daniel, feel free. My number is 562-439-5931.
|Me....as of late|
2003-09-24 16:16:55 ET
Wow. What a transition in life I have made in the last two months. I haven't posted here in a long time. So, I thought I'd hook up a little update for the 2, maybe 3 people interested.
Yeah, so I live in Long Beach. Let me tell you that it is quite relieving to get away from Orange County. Long Beach is much more congested, much more diverse, much more urban, much more cozy, much more real, much more of a place I'd like to be...so much more that OC, with it's enourmous vehicles, enourmous streets, enourmous houses, enourmous shopping centers, enourmous bullshit.
(Peter Tosh [currently listening to]...I love Peter Tosh...If you read this and don't listen to the man, please do. Fuckin' reaggae mastermind...Bobby wouldn't be nothing without this man)
It's very nice. Long Beach actually has a really legit transit system. And the bottom line for me is that I see real people. I see real shit. I feel so good walking down the street with all this visual/mental stimulation. I'm so happy to be on the street, just walking, just thinking.
It's gritty, ya know? But it's full of soul. It's full of actuality. And downtown is really fresh. I like it. I plan to stay here for a bit.
There are other complications that seem to interfere with my melding with this place, but we'll work that out. As for now, I'm just trying to keep it real and live life, know what I mean.
So yeah, peace to all y'alls who reads this. I don't know how much longer I'll be posting here, but don't worry 'bout that shit.
Once again, PEACE!!!
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